When is it time to face facts?

[Courtney]

Thanks! I feel pretty good about what I did, and I figure it's a big step in the right direction. A bunch of our friends have been very supportive of this and have offered up any help we need. One girl who wasn't even the wedding party offered to help us call up people to let them know not to make the drive. Another told us that he'd be there whenever we needed, even though he didn't completely understand my disorder. It was very comforting, to say the least.

 

[Dolyphinm]

Wow I just read through this whole thing in the past hour...good lord.

Courtney, your possible MIL sounds like my grandmother that all of us asides my dad tries to distance ourselves from. She's just such a negative force. Always saying horrible things about people including her dead husband and dead sister. She also wanted both of her boys to be Catholic priests...they both got married and had kids. My dad doesn't seem to see this negativeness. She has badmouthed my mother for wanting to see her own mother on holidays since she used to live only 20 mins away. It was and is still absurd.

Maybe you could see if he does indeed go out with them, when he gets home ask what he said to them. Chances are if he's angry he did stand up for you, but maybe didn't want you to see it, or still wanted to have the benefit of the doubt that his mom can do no wrong and finally got the wake up call.

Good luck with everything. I can say I am glad my boyfriend's parents seem calm.

Just remember to keep worrying about, and your quilled babies.

 

[3CsMommy]

"She can have him back" made me crack the heck up!

I hope whatever goes down between Adam and his parents doesn't blow up in your face, whether that be you staying together and re-planning the wedding, or calling it quits for now. I also hope he's got the guts to stand up to his mother, since it seems she's taking control freak to unhealthy levels. I'm one of those people that's better off without my parents too close (there's a long family history of substance and physical abuse on both sides), and I definitely think there's a point where your parents should come in (a very close) second to your Significant Other. Yes, they're your parents, but your spouse is the person that will be helping you help your parents in their last days. If the respect isn't there between *all* of you, something needs to be re-examined.

And I still think you deserve chocolate.

 

[BooBoo*TheKiddo*]

That's what I figured too. I'm just going to stay quiet and let him make his own decisions. If he chooses to bend to them, and make me go away for the day, I'll take that as a hint and that will be that. It's in his court now, to prove that I'm a priority in his life. If he wants to allow his parents to call the shots, that's good for him. His stuff will be packed and waiting when he gets home.

I wouldn't pack his bags if he goes with them them or has you to go away for the day. see what he has to say when you get back. Maybe getting away for the day could help you...maybe go shopping or go hang out with a friend. Who knows, he could surprise you.
Or if you don't want to leave the house, tell him that if they want to see him alone then they can go out somewhere.
Just my opinion

 

[smhufflepuff]

I wouldn't pack his bags if he goes with them them or has you to go away for the day. see what he has to say when you get back. Maybe getting away for the day could help you...maybe go shopping or go hang out with a friend. Who knows, he could surprise you.
Or if you don't want to leave the house, tell him that if they want to see him alone then they can go out somewhere.
Just my opinion

I agree... I wouldn't pack up his bags. Not yet... maybe someday, but not because of his mom and dad wanting to see him or him wanting to see his mom and dad.

If you look at things from the perspective of "something really big just happened," then it would probably be a good idea to take some time to adjust to the "big thing;" not place ultimatums which would just lead to things moving faster and bigger. You don't want this accidentally spinning out of control. Take your time; adjust a little.

 

[Courtney]

I probably won’t pack his bag, but I want to see what his parents say about me when I’m not around. I already told him that if his parents can’t learn to respect me, I don’t want to marry into the family and carry that name. Family is about mutual love and respect, and if I can’t have the love part too… I want the respect. If I can’t have that, I don’t want to carry the name.

We’ve been trying to adjust to this new shift in the dynamic and it’s been… interesting. He’s not used to someone who will stand up for herself, and I’m not used to seeing him as a doormat. I’m used to seeing him as the strong one, and suddenly, that’s completely reversed and I’m the one who is telling him things will be okay and reassuring him every half hour. I have to say – I’m not fond of it. I’m sure I’ll adjust over time, but for now… I’m feeling very disenchanted.

 

[Parkerspetchins]

Well, no one is supposed to play the doormat in a relationship lol. This new role of yours has to be a little daunting for someone used to playing the lead (wow, lots of theater references here lol). Give him time to adjust and try not to judge him harshly, it's a change for him too ).

 

[ABBY W.]

Yeah, I can understand his reaction. Guys have very fragile egos, and saying you don't want to get married was likely quite a blow to his. It was also probably a reality check and now he is feeling scared and unsure because he thought things were one way when they were actually another. Basically, his world has been rocked.

Keep being kind to him. It's actually important for your relationship for you to learn how to comfort and take care of him, and for him to learn how to be vulnerable and to lean on you. In any long term relationship there will be times when either person is going to need that nurturance and support; a parent's death, a job loss, a serious illness, etc. It's important for you both to know how to ask for, accept, and give that support to each other, if you're going to be successful long term.

 

[Courtney]

Oh, I know. I just don't think I like this side of him. I went out last night with some friends, and he called/texted every hour to see where I was or check up on me. I don't like when people are clingy and it really feels like he doesn't trust me. I've never given him a reason to NOT trust me and I was doing was going to a car meet with some friends. Yesterday, he emailed me once to tell me he loved, texted me twice to say the same thing, and then brought me a huge bouquet of flowers plus candy to say the same thing. This isn't normal for him. LOL.

 

[Nancy]

In your fragile state of mind I'm sure he'es worried and concerned about you. I wouldn't read anything into his checking up on you right now.

 

[Courtney]

To be quite honest, Nancy... he's the one cracking now. I actually feel pretty good after what went down on the weekend. No stress, happy... just the residual effects of not eating. I've been eating all freaking day, haha. I'm off to the doctor in a few hours, just to check things out... but I feel better than I have in about 6 months.

I think Adam is just a little taken back that I went out by myself last night and didn't invite him along. I didn't walk in the door until nearly 1am, which is new for me. I'm sure he'll get used to it in time.

 

[tunes]

Courtney - I'm going to be blunt here, because I think it needs said. You weren't the only one who didn't get married. I realize that you're feeling your freedom and "sowing your wild oats" and all that, but there was another heart bruised by your calling off of this wedding and you need to start considering his feelings as well.

Adam never did anything to hurt or betray you. His family did. You need to remember that so you don't take it out on Adam and walk all over him with your new found freedom. He's gone from being in what he felt was a loving relationship where he was getting married, to his girlfriend suddenly ignoring his feelings and going out until 1 a.m. I can only imagine how confused, hurt, and worried he is.

You're sending mixed signals and you need to not do that. Either you want to move on from Adam, and you do. Or you want to work on your relationship to make it better, and you commit to that. It's a grown up world, not high school. You don't get to sit on both sides of the fence. Please consider how shocking this must have been for Adam in the decisions that you make.

I'm happy that you're happy, but when you continue to hurt someone that you once (or still do) care about, that happiness comes at a cost.

 

[Lynn & The Chins]

Peggy, that is very good advice.

 

[ABBY W.]

I agree completely. Very well said, Peggy.

 

[Mt. Zion Chins]

I completely agree with Peggy also

 

[BooBoo*TheKiddo*]

Oh, I know. I just don't think I like this side of him. I went out last night with some friends, and he called/texted every hour to see where I was or check up on me. I don't like when people are clingy and it really feels like he doesn't trust me. I've never given him a reason to NOT trust me and I was doing was going to a car meet with some friends. Yesterday, he emailed me once to tell me he loved, texted me twice to say the same thing, and then brought me a huge bouquet of flowers plus candy to say the same thing. This isn't normal for him. LOL.

Maybes he's afraid of losing you at this point so he's wanting to extremely make sure he tells you that he loves you enough or something.

 

[wktam]

Let me get this straight, you just called off your wedding to him and you expect him to "act normal"? Isn't that asking a bit much of anyone?

 

[Courtney]

Courtney - I'm going to be blunt here, because I think it needs said. You weren't the only one who didn't get married. I realize that you're feeling your freedom and "sowing your wild oats" and all that, but there was another heart bruised by your calling off of this wedding and you need to start considering his feelings as well.

Adam never did anything to hurt or betray you. His family did. You need to remember that so you don't take it out on Adam and walk all over him with your new found freedom. He's gone from being in what he felt was a loving relationship where he was getting married, to his girlfriend suddenly ignoring his feelings and going out until 1 a.m. I can only imagine how confused, hurt, and worried he is.

You're sending mixed signals and you need to not do that. Either you want to move on from Adam, and you do. Or you want to work on your relationship to make it better, and you commit to that. It's a grown up world, not high school. You don't get to sit on both sides of the fence. Please consider how shocking this must have been for Adam in the decisions that you make.

I'm happy that you're happy, but when you continue to hurt someone that you once (or still do) care about, that happiness comes at a cost.

Oh, I definitely understand what you're saying and I'm happy you were blunt with me... but wouldn't it be more conducive on his part to TELL me what's going on with him instead of pretending everything is fine? I told him what was going on with me, and he swore to me he understood and was perfectly fine. If he's not, I can't help him until I know what's going on with him. I guess that's where my confusion is coming from. I can't read minds.

I understand he's a little surprised that I went out without him, but he does the same thing and I encourage it. We're two separate people and we need our own time sometimes. Maybe I'm just not grasping the fact of why he figures I need a curfew. I don't try to force one on him, so I'm not 100% certain why he feels I should have one. He texted me every hour I was out and about midnight, he started sending messages that swung from "hey, just checking on you" to "when are you going to be home? You said you'd be home between 12 and 1, and it's 12:30 and you're not home! You should be home by now!"

Growing pains, I suppose.

 

[ABBY W.]

Perhaps you need to have another talk. Ask him how he's feeling. Give him the chance to express his concerns. Be kind, and try to understand where he's coming from. I think he is trying to tell you how he's feeling with his actions. Some guys just aren't that verbally expressive. A lot of guys are less inclined to talk about their feelings. It's just not the "guy" thing to do.

Again, his world has been turned upside down. He's probably feeling unsure of a lot of things. You need to listen to him and reassure him.

 

[Nancy]

What happened with his parents? I thought the issue was with the way his family, especially his mother was treating you. Now it is seeming more like you are not ready for a commitment and need to be off doing things on your own without Adam.

With the state you were in when you posted originally, I don't blame Adam for being concerned about you and wondering when you were coming home especially with you doing something that you admit was out of character for you. His calls show concern for you and your state of mind.

It sounds to me like you have some personal growing to do before you are ready for a serious commitment. Maybe you need to "sow some wild oats" as Peggy put it and if that is the case, you can't expect Adam to play the doormat while you do as you please.

I'm sure you feel huge relief at the wedding being canceled but I think you need to do some serious soul searching and decide if the issue was truly all about his family or also the fact that you are not ready for marriage at this point in time. There is nothing wrong with deciding you are not ready. People your age are continually growing and changing and people do grow in different directions.