When is it time to face facts?

[Remyma0408]

Big :hugs:

 

[jmdebb]

I've never been married so no advice can come from me, but I did want to say I hope everything works out and you can start feeling better real soon.

jean

 

[RDZCRanch]

I'm sorry but I can't agree with the people that are saying this is all about YOU. You still have to remember that there were other people involved in this and while it's nice that you are less stressed and able to enjoy yourself and relax now, Adam is still in the picture.

I know that if I were in his position I would be very hurt right now and confused and worried for you. He thought he was getting married and now he isn't, that alone is enough to make a man question himself. Then you start to enjoy your "new found freedom" which is probably making him wonder if you didn't want the wedding because you were sick or because you were sick of him. I'm sure this "clingy" side of him that seems to be pushing you away is because he feels like he got too comfortable and isn't treasuring you like he should and now he's trying to make up for it.

Don't just throw out your relationship right now because of the relief from losing the pressure of the wedding. I agree with what everyone else has said...go to counseling and get everything out! Even if you both decide to go your separate ways you'll learn more about yourself and you'll come out of it stronger and with more knowledge.

 

[Courtney]

Adam and I decided last night to end the relationship. He tried to bully me into apologizing to his parents again to "smooth things out" and I refused because I didn't do anything wrong. Even though his parents were the ones slinging insults, he figured I should suck it up and apologize. When I refused, he called me bitter and said it would never work if I wasn't willing to meet them halfway. Last I checked, meeting halfway would involve them making some effort too...

It's probably for the better.

 

[tunes]

I think that's where this was headed all along, and it's probably for the better. By that I mean you can both start moving on with your lives. He won't have to be clingy, you won't have to feel resentment. His parents were never going to change and unless you were willing to live with that for the rest of their lives, then this was not going to be a great situation anyway.

At least now you have resolved the issue of whether to maintain a relationship or to let go.

 

[FiaSpice]

I think it's a good thing you made a clear decision so he's not lingering and you don't feel bad. I wish you all the best with the new road ahead of you.

 

[Courtney]

I think that's where this was headed all along, and it's probably for the better. By that I mean you can both start moving on with your lives. He won't have to be clingy, you won't have to feel resentment. His parents were never going to change and unless you were willing to live with that for the rest of their lives, then this was not going to be a great situation anyway.

At least now you have resolved the issue of whether to maintain a relationship or to let go.

That's what I figured. I was with Adam for 4 years and I bent over backwards to make his parents like me. I don't think I ever did anything to make them NOT like me, but this entire wedding debacle really brought out true colors. I spoke to my parents, who love Adam like their own and didn't want to get in the middle, but they gave me lots to talk about. My dad is a very wise man, and he told me, "Are you willing to be fighting this battle your entire life if it doesn't get better?"

I wasn't, and that wasn't fair to Adam. He can't see how his parents treat me and he's still convinced that I'm over-reacting. He's positive that I should be willing to swallow my pride and apologize, and that his parents shouldn't have to. They said some very hurtful things to both of us, and if he's willing to sweep it under the rug, that's fine with me. I just respect myself too much to let myself be bullied.

 

[ABBY W.]

I absolutely agree with you. It sounds like he is not ready to put you first, and that is not acceptable in a marriage. I am glad you were able to reach a mutual decision.

 

[Remyma0408]

I'm glad you're doing what you feel is best.

 

[FiaSpice]

I just respect myself too much to let myself be bullied.

Well said!

 

[Laurie]

Courtney, some suggestions for you. Go out and buy some books. Don't Call That Man!, They Call it a Break Up for a Reason-Because it's Broken, and What To Do When Your Relationship Ends. These are all books that will help gear you for what's ahead.

My next suggestion, don't date for a while. Seriously. Don't do this get back up on the horse thing. You are a very young woman who was with the same man for awhile and at a young age.

If I had it all to do over again I wouldn't even contemplate dating til 30 and having kids til I was 36 or 37! Seriously!

Spend some time with yourself, get to know yourself, learn to like yourself.

If you don't you'll make the same mistakes again and again.

Trust me I know!

And no matter what, Courtney, do not call Adam, don't try to be friends with him, don't do anything with him at all. You're going to want to, again, trust me I know, but it will only be detrimental to you both.

Good luck with your future! It looks bright I can tell.

 

[FiaSpice]

Lan63 said some wise word there and I know about that.

 

[Nancy]

I think counseling would be of huge benefit to help you get through this and so you don't end up in the same type of relationship next time.

Hugs

 

[Courtney]

I have been speaking to the counsellor person at work. She's meant for students, but she offered to help me out as well.

Adam and I had a chat last night about things and we're on good terms. He's accepted the fact and we both agree it's probably for the better right now. It was actually one of those 'good' break ups... we're on speaking terms and we're actually still living together at the moment while I shop for a new place. Since we have so many mutual friends, we're going to be civil to each other and let a platonic friendship develop on it's own as time goes on. We've seen some pretty gruesome breakups amongst our friends, and the last thing we want is to be on bad terms and alienate the other.

 

[BooBoo*TheKiddo*]

Glad you two can still be friends. That doesn't happen often

 

[ABBY W.]

I would be very careful with the "just friends" approach. If either one of you still has romantic feelings, which I am sure at least he does, it can end up destroying your relationship entirely. You can only be just friends if you BOTH truly only want to be just friends. This is just my opinion, but it might be wise to take a break entirely from each other for a while, to let those feelings settle and get used to not being a couple. Since you two were together for so long, it might take some time to "re-frame" how you see each other.

 

[Courtney]

Well, we're not trying to be friends right now. We're trying to be civil for the sake of our friends. We would like to be friends in the future, but there's no pressure on that. Either way, we're spending some time apart. We'll play it by ear and see how the cards fall.

 

[Easterpiggy]

I would be very careful with the "just friends" approach. If either one of you still has romantic feelings, which I am sure at least he does, it can end up destroying your relationship entirely. You can only be just friends if you BOTH truly only want to be just friends. This is just my opinion, but it might be wise to take a break entirely from each other for a while, to let those feelings settle and get used to not being a couple. Since you two were together for so long, it might take some time to "re-frame" how you see each other.

I have to agree be very careful with the "Just friends" thing. I havent been through it but I have seen it go south. waaaaayyyy south

 

[AlbertaGirl]

Courtney, I'm sorry things didn't work out between you and Adam, but better to decide that now than in three months after you're married. It always sucks when a relationship ends, but it sounds as though this one won't be too messy. I wish I had been able to stand up for myself the way you have when I was your age - it would have saved me a lot of heartache!

 

[Courtney]

Hey all. Sorry to bump an old thread, but I wanted to give you all an update on how things have gone for me since the Great Divide.

Personally, I love where I’m at in life. I really enjoy the single life and I’ve been living it up. I’m not an outgoing person by nature, but I’ve been throwing myself into all kinds of new social situations to meet new people and it’s really paying off. Luckily, my anxiety disorder seems to be under control at the moment, so I’m not having too many issues in public places. I’ve been doing a lot of things for me that Adam never liked, like dying my hair purple (surprisingly well-received in the office) and getting myself a smiley piercing (it’s in my mouth – upper frenulum). I go out on a whim, and have been making plans on the fly. I have no one to consider except myself (and the hogs), and that’s a pretty sweet notion.

On September 1, I moved into my own apartment and I love it. The entire building is about 4 years old, and all the suites are really modern and upgraded. My place has 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, ceramic tile and carpet throughout, in-suite laundry, a balcony (I’m on the 3rd floor) and a really nice color scheme. I’m in love with my bright red bedroom. It’s in a really great neighborhood for me too – I use public transit and the LRT (subway) station is practically in my backyard – 3 minute walk from my front door if I take my time.

Health wise, things seem to be on an even keel. Since the breakup, I’ve been sleeping much better and my eating habits have picked up again. I eat pretty much all day, every day and I’ve gained back nearly all the weight I lost. Somehow though, I still fit into my teeny jeans that I had to buy when I was at my most unhealthy point, but whatever. I haven’t had a panic attack since the breakup, but I carry my pills with me anyway, just in case. I think the fact that I’ve been forcing myself to go out and meet new people is really helping me to be remain relaxed in crowds. Just the other day, I actually went to a pub with a friend and didn’t start shaking or sweating. It was a small victory.

On the dating front, I’m just having fun and scoping things out. It’s been so long since I’ve been single, and I’m not used to eying guys up and judging them like meat in a butcher’s shop. Heh. Just kidding. But I am watching to see what’s out there and being very selective. Since I’ve been single, there have been a few guys who have shown interest, but I’ve been careful to tell them that I’m not looking for a relationship. Casual dating is one thing, but I like my freedom and I’d like to maintain that for a bit. This break up really forced me to sit back and think of what I really wanted in a guy, and I’m holding tight to that checklist and not compromising. One of the guys who is pursuing me is a nice guy most times, but he’s got a very stubborn and controlling nature. He has very rigid standards for girls and he’s unwilling to compromise at all. I cut my hair the other day and he told me straight up that he could easily find a girl with long hair. I told him to go for it, just because I’m that much more confident now. We’re not even dating, and the fact that he told me that speaks volumes. He’s also very opinionated about hair color, length, makeup, tattoos, piercings, style, etc. and has told me a few times that I’d look “hotter” if I grew my hair out, dyed it black (it’s purple), wore more revealing clothing, more makeup, did my hair differently, etc. The old Courtney would have rolled with it, but this new Courtney was not impressed in the least and told him off. On that same note, new Courtney also turned down Adam’s request for a “more casual” relationship… I’m learning to say “no” very well!

On the same note, I’ve been spending a lot of time with a guy I work with who is an absolute sweetheart. We’ve been close friends since he started working here last September, and we formed a very strong bond very quickly. You know how you see someone and you get the thought that you HAVE to be friends with them? That was us and we’ve been friends ever since. There’s also a crazy mutual attraction between us, strong enough that people we work with can feel sparks when we’re in the same room. I can’t even count how many times I’ve been asked lately if we’re dating. My boss has even told me that I should consider it, since we’re both so nice and we deserve each other. It’s funny that she should say that, because he’s the type of guy that I’d love to be with. He’s smart, friendly, responsible, hard working and he keeps himself in shape. He treats me well – just today, he told me he was bringing me lunch because we’re short staffed and I can’t leave the office to get my own. He told me I had to eat and that he’d grab me something. That’s the kind of thing Adam never even considered, so it stands out to me. He holds doors for me, walks on the street side of the sidewalk when we go for walks at lunch and he made a point of coming to my office to check on me every day immediately following my breakup to ensure I was okay. Both of us have just come out of relationships though (his girlfriend cheated), so we’re both a little unwilling to get back into another one. There is a possibility that we might get together at some point in the future, but for now… we’re both just working on the friendship. Neither of us wants to be the rebound for the other, so we’re going very slow and seeing how the road goes.

So that’s my update. I’m living it up, enjoying my freedom and having a blast. I love where I am at this point in my life, and I’m really looking forward to what the next while brings. The last 2 months or so have been full of new lessons and experiences, and I’m really excited to see what my next adventure is. I’m really proud of myself for surviving this big life change so well, and I feel really confident that I can handle anything else that comes my way too.