When is it time to face facts?

[Courtney]

Hey Tunes, I completely agree with you, but for the sake of my own conscience, I want to pay her for the dress. I plan to do the same for the other girls, if they don't plan to sell the dress. That's exactly what I'm doing with this girl's dress... I'll give her the amount shown on the receipt and not a penny more, and then I'm going to turn around and sell it on eBay or something. What really amazes me is the one girl in the wedding party who has an actual, valid reason to be worried about money is one of the ones who didn't even consider expecting me to reimburse her. As soon as she heard, she told me not to worry about a thing and that I could call her any time to talk or whatever.

I might just be twisted, but I find such a large amount of this debacle so hilarious. It's really amazing how something like this can show you who your true friends are and who are just tolerating you because of who you're with. All I can say is it's good I have a sense of humor about this, or a lot of what was said about me the last day and some would have me feeling horrible. haha.

 

[Laurie]

Well I'm sorry to step in a say I would never, EVER put my husband or boyfriend over my parents. Love does not last forever, but the love a parent has for it's child does or it should. I would be nothing, absolutely nothing without my parents or my sisters so no way in **** would I ever put a man before any of them.
I was very much in love with a man who's mother was a nightmare. I tolerated her because I loved him.
He ended up dumping me for a girl half my age, so I didn't have to put up with her for the rest of my life. But I would have for him and looking back on it now I realize what a ginormous dolt I was.
If you love Adam and he loves you, you will find a way to work around the love you don't have for each other's parents.
I think you are doing the right thing Courtney if just for your peace of mind. When it comes down to it in life, and trust me I truly know this, the only person that should ever really matter to you 100% is you. So as long as you're doing everything you can to make yourself happy that's all that really matters.

 

[mishellyshel]

I have lost a few friends along the way because of weddings.....either mine, theirs, or someone elses. It really shows peoples true colors and how selfish some people really are. You clearly are not. Congrats to you.

 

[smhufflepuff]

gosh, I'm sorry about all of this I'm glad, though, that you're feeling better than you have.

Sounds like your relationship with Adam is definitely going to change - with you being better able to assert your own needs. It would be wonderful if your relationship could not only survive that, but grow stronger. But I know that's nowhere near guaranteed.

I don't know if you had been opting for a religious or secular wedding... if the former, you might want to talk with whomever was/is to be the officiant for counseling. Alternately, you can find a secular couples counselor. Either can be great for helping you learn who you are as individuals and who you are as a couple or, perhaps, how to separate as amicably as possible.

Best of luck to you!

 

[Courtney]

Laurie, I definitely understand what you’re saying about family and I hope it didn’t come across in any way that I was trying to make him choose. I’ve tried to get along with his parents and until recently, they swore until they were blue in the face that they loved me. Last night, they told my parents that they wanted to take Adam out for the day and that I should probably make other plans because I wasn’t welcome with them. To me, that’s not a sign of love… nor is the blackmail, guilt tripping and insults that they hurled at me.

I’ve told Adam countless times over the last few weeks that he should be talking to his parents and trying to fix things with them. As much as they’ve hurt me, I’m not going to be that girl that makes her fiancé turn his back on his family. You only get one of those, and family is very important. I just won’t allow them to insult me any longer, and I don’t plan to be anything more than civil to them. After this, I just don’t trust them and they’re not my family.

Adam told me last night that he’s glad at least one set of parents is reasonable. My parents have stood up for both of us, and they love Adam. My mom really is a mother bear and she’s protecting both her “cubs”, so to speak. She doesn’t want to fight with his parents, but she’s also not letting them badmouth us.

Because family is so important, I’m just considering now if I can handle a lifetime of an extended family that obviously doesn’t want me around. I cut ties with half of my family because they were physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. Ten years later, they still harass me from time to time. I’m much happier without them in my life, and I’m trying to decide if I want to willingly go into a family where I already know how they feel about me. I love him, but I definitely don’t love the idea of being at a constant battle with his mother. I just don’t want to be that girl who brings the tension to a family holiday or something.

 

[Tiatrack]

Well I'm sorry to step in a say I would never, EVER put my husband or boyfriend over my parents.

I don't mean for this to come across as rude, but I think that is really easy to say when you're not married. What would you do if you found the love of your life who made you feel great and treated you perfectly, but your family didn't like him/her? Would you honestly allow your family to jeopardize your happiness and tell your partner, "Sorry, my mommy doesn't like you, so I can't either, even though we have a great relationship?"

 

[tunes]

Eh, I'm different from Laurie. I think if your family can't treat your spouse with courtesy and respect, even if they don't love them, then by extension they don't love you either because they don't respect you enough to see that you're happy with the person you are with. In that case, they don't deserve your respect or attention. When you grow up, become an adult, and start your own home and family, THAT becomes your family first. It has to. If you are always going to be worrying about what you consider to be your "real" family, then you don't stand a chance with the family you are attempting to make.

It would be different if you were a drug dealing crack whore and they were concerned about his well being. You're not (right ? ). You're the girl her son loves and you two deserve a chance without his meddling mother mucking it up.

Laurie - Not everybody is super close to their family and in some cases they are better off because of it. In this case, Courtney is being forced to choose, the same way that you are telling her she should not force Adam to choose. She has to decide whether Adam is worth staying with because she will constantly have to deal with the hassle of his family. Any family that puts that kind of burden on a relationship isn't a family worth hanging on to.

 

[Courtney]

LOL, oh gosh. If I’m a drug dealing crack whore, that’s news to me! Haha.

It’s totally about the respect thing. I’ve told Adam time and time again that his parents do not respect me. People do not belittle, interrupt, insult, guilt trip and blackmail people that they respect. They listen to their opinions, even if they don’t agree, and they never just go above them and do the exact opposite of what the person wants. I don’t ask much of people, but I do demand respect. I’m a person too, and I think I deserve that much. If they can’t give me that, then that’s unfortunate. I’m a great person and I think it’s a pity if someone doesn’t want to like me for me simply because I stood up for myself.

 

[Nancy]

I agree with you Laurie, but I also agree with Peggy. In a normal, healthy, loving parent/adult child relationship, no, the spouse should not be put above the parents but equal to. In a normal healthy parental relationship, there should be no reason to take sides or forsake one because of the other.

We aren't talking a normal healthy parent/adult child relationship. This is a control freak mother who wants her way and her son to go against his future wife to agree with his mother. With her making ultimatums now, things are not going to get better once they are married unless Adam insists his mother respect and include his wife and to stay out of their business. Courtney and Adam are adults planning their lives together and neither his parents nor hers should be trying to over ride what they have decided as a couple.

 

[Courtney]

I need to show his mother this thread so she can see I'm not crazy. She seriously thinks I'm over-reacting and what she's doing is a normal mother thing. It's freaking insane, haha.

 

[Jenn]

How did Adam turn out to be such a great guy when he comes from such an insane family!!!

 

[Courtney]

I think he's adopted. Heh.

(Just kidding, he's not... but that's my theory)

 

[Easterpiggy]

gosh this sounds like my hubby and my MIL and everything. ( but if it would have gone awry)

 

[ABBY W.]

Laurie, I definitely understand what you’re saying about family and I hope it didn’t come across in any way that I was trying to make him choose. I’ve tried to get along with his parents and until recently, they swore until they were blue in the face that they loved me. Last night, they told my parents that they wanted to take Adam out for the day and that I should probably make other plans because I wasn’t welcome with them. To me, that’s not a sign of love… nor is the blackmail, guilt tripping and insults that they hurled at me.

I hope Adam isn't going to go with them. To me, that would be a huge insult. Once my husband and I drove out to his mom's house to drop off his sister after a visit. We got out of the car to say hi to his mom, who met us in the front yard and said that he as welcome to come in and visit, but I would have to stay in the car. We imemdiately turned around and left, and he let her know later, in no uncertain terms, that if I wasn't welcome, then he wasn't welcome.

Family is HUGELY important to me as well, and I am blessed to have a wonderful family. But, I would never tolerate my family treating my husband with disrespect or discourtesy. If they can't respect him, then they don't respect me, and I would not hesitate to set them straight. Luckily, my family loves my husband (more than they love me sometimes hehe). In my opinion, once you decide to spend your life with someone, that becomes your priority and you shouldn't let anything threaten or damage that relationship, if it can possibly be helped.

 

[Spoof]

You go girl, I was avoiding this thread dreading you weren't going to stand up but you did!

I hope it works out for the both of you!

 

[Courtney]

I hope Adam isn't going to go with them. To me, that would be a huge insult.

That's what I figured too. I'm just going to stay quiet and let him make his own decisions. If he chooses to bend to them, and make me go away for the day, I'll take that as a hint and that will be that. It's in his court now, to prove that I'm a priority in his life. If he wants to allow his parents to call the shots, that's good for him. His stuff will be packed and waiting when he gets home.

 

[ABBY W.]

I think you should tell him your feelings about it ahead of time. It would be unfair to subject him to a "test". He might actually be clueless as to how you feel about it, I know my hubby was at first, and confused about it. It took a fair bit of talking for him to see where I was coming from. Remember, he grew up with his mom, so he may not immediately see her behavior as unusual or inappropriate. Just my advice, so take it for what it's worth. I'm glad you are taking things in stride, it sounds like you've been able to put your head and heart in the right place. Just stay strong and keep on.

 

[Courtney]

Oh, he knows exactly how I feel about it. I haven't been shy about telling him exactly what his parents are doing, even if he denies it or says that's not happening. He's not stupid, and I'm sure he can use the gift of reason. haha. If I can see it, and other people can see it... I'm sure he can too.

When it first came up that his parents wanted to see him and not me, I told him straight up that they'd be making me out to be the bad person and pushing at him to dump me before he made more mistakes. He was like, "no... they wouldn't do that."

So we'll see. If he goes, maybe I won't pack him up, but I will tell him that I've had enough of being treated like a second rate citizen. Quite frankly, I'm to the point that I'm nearly tired of fighting for this. It will never get better and if his mother is that dead set against me, she can have him back.

 

[ABBY W.]

Good! I am glad he knows how you feel. See how the meeting goes, maybe his parents will say what you think (almost certainly) and maybe he will tell them to take a flying leap (which would be awesome!), or maybe he won't. How he handles this should be a good indicator of what path you should take. You totally deserve a man who will stand up for you, even to his mother.

 

[Parkerspetchins]

Wow, I am liking what I am reading ). You sound so positive and strong now, I am really happy for you.