When is it time to face facts?

[eroomlorac]

Truly, I think professional counseling will help you and Adam much more than we can. I have been in marital counseling in the past and it helped us decide what we expected from each other and what course of action we needed to take.

Please consider professional counseling. It is NOT a sign of weakness but a mature, adult decision to make so you two both know where you stand.

 

[Free2Dream]

Er, no offense, but if your social anxiety is so severe that you cannot bear the thought of being around a hundred or so guests at a wedding, then how are you able to go out with your friends until one in the morning? In my experience, night clubs, restaurants, lounges, bars, etc. can get extremely crowded, especially after 11. It sounds to me like you are not ready for this, period. If you want to stay with Adam, you owe it to him to TALK openly to him. Your behavior is scaring him, and rightfully so.

I hope that whatever happens, you are happy with the outcome.

 

[addictedtochins]

. He texted me every hour I was out and about midnight, he started sending messages that swung from "hey, just checking on you" to "when are you going to be home? You said you'd be home between 12 and 1, and it's 12:30 and you're not home! You should be home by now!"Growing pains, I suppose.

I'm not saying you are at all, But if I were Adam and you were home late like that I would be afraid that you where hooking up with another guy.

 

[Courtney]

Nancy, his parents have apologized to him but still refuse to speak to me. They literally want nothing to do with me until I "stop being selfish", put myself on Valium and get married to their son. They're actually more concerned with saving face than anything else.

I've been doing a fair amount of thinking since Sunday and I'm to the point where I'm thinking it's just not fair to Adam for me to feel this way. He wants to be married. At this point in time, I really don't. I did, and then all this drama came up and suddenly, it just wasn't something that I found enjoyable. If his parents are this controlling about one day, how will they be when we decide to buy a house, have a child or do something else they think they should have a hand in? Like I was told earlier, this issue won't go away after the wedding and it will only escalate.

Maybe it's kinder to him to just break it off, provide an explanation and hand him back the ring. Then find a new place to live if he wants to keep the apartment.

 

[Courtney]

Er, no offense, but if your social anxiety is so severe that you cannot bear the thought of being around a hundred or so guests at a wedding, then how are you able to go out with your friends until one in the morning? In my experience, night clubs, restaurants, lounges, bars, etc. can get extremely crowded, especially after 11. It sounds to me like you are not ready for this, period. If you want to stay with Adam, you owe it to him to TALK openly to him. Your behavior is scaring him, and rightfully so.

I hope that whatever happens, you are happy with the outcome.

I don't go to bars, clubs, etc. I've found that I'm okay in certain settings, like restaurants, because people aren't focused solely on me. In this one instance, I went to a car meet with a total of 15 people showing off their import cars. Not a large crowd.

 

[Spoof]

Maybe it's kinder to him to just break it off, provide an explanation and hand him back the ring. Then find a new place to live if he wants to keep the apartment.

Only if you talk it over with a mediator/counselor. Give him a chance. If you don't work through your issues now it will happen again and again. Just like any other situation where there is a huge amount of stress, you *think* there is an easy way out - but there is no easy way out. The next time you find a guy and get to that point the same thing will happen. You just have to be willing to take a step forward and change.

Please take the time for the both of you to go see someone.

 

[Sesame]

Wow... A lot has happened in a short amount of time. It's going to take some time to fully understand what has happened and how to move/fix this situation.

It looks like there has been good advice given, but I think the healthiest thing would be to seek out professional couples counseling for both you and Adam. I think this would help clear up any unspoken/assumed issues and will help you two communicate in a way both parties can fully understand better. What makes complete sense to you, may not make sense to Adam, even though he thinks he understood what you had discussed. Adam seems to have concern for your well-being, even though he may be expressing it in ways you may not understand/misunderstand.

I agree with Spoof's advice. If you decide to move on from this relationship, what happens when this situation happens again? I'm not excusing you of running away, but sometimes it helps to have a face-to-face, unbiased person help in this type of situation.

There's a lot of ups and downs in relationships. This is a major, emotional "down," but you two need to work it out together.

 

[FiaSpice]

What a thread I've just finished reading... I'd say my point of view as a girl that saw her ex-fiancé (who was her first boyfriend) cancel her wedding. Get counseling! I still bite my tongue for refusing the first time (like 3 years ago), it might have changed lots of thing in my life. Don't go all you life regreting and thinking "what if...".

You say "what's gonna hapend if we bou a house..." I think you and Adam should put a stop on his family intrusion in your private lives and decision. My ex MIL was horible, but it wasn't because she was indruding, on the contrary, she didn't care.

I really hope you'll be able to sort everything out for the better. Best of luck!

 

[Easterpiggy]

wow this thing has really grown, best of luck to you and adam
about all the sickness and everything are you 100% positive that you aren't pregnant??? (please don't take offence it was just a thought)

 

[Laurie]

It's only kinder to Adam to break off your engagement to him if you don't love him. So do you love him or not? You've never said, not in any of this. Either you love Adam or you don't. If you love him you should be willing to fight for him. If you're not willing to fight you're not worthy of his love and vice versa. If he's not willing to fight for you he's not worthy of your love.
If you don't love Adam, then yes, you need to break up with him, give him back his ring and move out of his life. If you love him then you need to work together to stay together.
Marriage and Friendships are something that have to be worked on. Like a flower without nurturing they do wither and die.

 

[addictedtochins]

Not just love him, but love him enough to spend the next 65 years with him.

 

[Courtney]

Re: pregnancy: If I'm pregnant, a doctor and a bunch of lab techs must have missed it, heh, and it's meant to be. All my blood work came back 100% normal, aside from a bladder infection I didn't know I had.

Re: Loving Adam: I know I LOVE him, but I don't know if I'm IN LOVE with him... isn't that confusing? It's one of those things where I'm not sure if it's just me being really stressed or if all his little quirks are just getting to me because I want out. Right now, I'm in the process of making a pro/con list about this relationship... and I have to say, the outlook isn't sunny.

 

[Spoof]

Can't say it enough, and this will be the last time - involve someone else.

Right now, I'm in the process of making a pro/con list about this relationship... and I have to say, the outlook isn't sunny.

That's because it's petty without him and another person there with you. Sounds like you've already given up and have no will to try. I'm just being honest, I hate to see good guys/gals in a relationship suffer when the other half refuses to... change/get help/see out of their own drama.

It has nothing to do with you, but like a lot of the people here I've seen this over and over with friends of different sexes. The ones that sought help didn't always stay together - but they left the relationship healthier and rebounded faster than the ones that didn't.

 

[Essentia]

all his little quirks are just getting to me because I want out.

My husband and I went through this exact thing before we got married. It didn't mean we didn't love each other, just that we didn't know how to deal with each other's quirks without getting pissed off at each other. I can't agree with Spoof more when it comes to counseling. It made the absolute biggest difference in our relationship.

 

[Easterpiggy]

why don't you two just stay un-married. it works for my grandma and her boyfriend. they had each been married before in bad marriages and divorced. so they just decided to never get married again.

THEY HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 26 YEARS!!!!

so there is a little food for thought

 

[Laurie]

Courtney, if you don't know if you are IN LOVE with him then you aren't plain and simple. If you are IN LOVE with someone you are willing to walk through fire for them, to give them an organ, quite honestly to die for them. If you don't feel you would gladly, willingly, without thought to yourself do this for Adam, then you don't love him, and he doesnt deserve to be shackled to someone who doesn't love him.
Perhaps it never was the wedding that bothered you at all, perhaps you've been panicking about spending your life with someone you don't love.
You both deserve better. He deserves someone who loves him wholly and all the way, you deserve to find that someone you'll love that way.

 

[ABBY W.]

I have to disagree with this. I have been with my husband for ten years. There were definitely times that each of us questioned the relationship and whether or not we were "in love" with the other person. We were lucky that we were never BOTH out of love at the same time, or we wouldn't still be together.

But I think something else needs to be said about love. It isn't just a feeling. Love is also a commitment. When you decide to love someone, you are choosing to love them no matter what, flaws and all, even when they are not very loveable. I think part of the reason our divorce rate is so high is that people think they should always feel those wonderful, warm and fuzzy, excited in-love feelings, and it just doesn't work that way. There are giong to be down times, and you have to decide if you want to stick it out or bail. But, before you really answer whether or not you love Adam, you need to decide whether you can commit to loving him--treating him kindly and making him your priority, and working WITH him to solve problems, no matter what--if you can't commit to that totally without second thoughts then you are not ready to love him in the way he deserves to be loved. If he isn't able to make that same commitment to you, then he is not ready either. Though, I would say he has already demonstrated some of that to you by sticking with you through the stress of the wedding planning, your illness and anxiety (which I am sure made you not so fun to be around), the stress and embarassment of the cancelled wedding, and the confusion of now. Has he treated you kindly throughout all of this? Could you have treated him kindly if the roles were reversed? If the answer to that question is no, then you don't love him the way he should be loved.

 

[Nancy]

I have to disagree with this. I have been with my husband for ten years. There were definitely times that each of us questioned the relationship and whether or not we were "in love" with the other person. We were lucky that we were never BOTH out of love at the same time, or we wouldn't still be together.

But I think something else needs to be said about love. It isn't just a feeling. Love is also a commitment. When you decide to love someone, you are choosing to love them no matter what, flaws and all, even when they are not very loveable. I think part of the reason our divorce rate is so high is that people think they should always feel those wonderful, warm and fuzzy, excited in-love feelings, and it just doesn't work that way. There are giong to be down times, and you have to decide if you want to stick it out or bail. But, before you really answer whether or not you love Adam, you need to decide whether you can commit to loving him--treating him kindly and making him your priority, and working WITH him to solve problems, no matter what--if you can't commit to that totally without second thoughts then you are not ready to love him in the way he deserves to be loved. If he isn't able to make that same commitment to you, then he is not ready either. Though, I would say he has already demonstrated some of that to you by sticking with you through the stress of the wedding planning, your illness and anxiety (which I am sure made you not so fun to be around), the stress and embarassment of the cancelled wedding, and the confusion of now. Has he treated you kindly throughout all of this? Could you have treated him kindly if the roles were reversed? If the answer to that question is no, then you don't love him the way he should be loved.

Very well said. I agree 100%.

 

[Easterpiggy]

relationships aren't always easy. you have to work at them. you can't just expect them to just be perfect with out a lot of work. maybe you just need to work for it.

 

[pamszoo]

Just remember this is about YOU. You come first, then husband and so on. If you figure out you are Not in love with Adam but love him better to walk away now than be divorced in a few years. I walked away from my first wedding after all the invites were out and plans were already made. I got sick just thinkin about it. Eventually we ended up breaking up. When you find the right person it wont make you sick thinkin and plannin it. Best of Luck whatever you decide Courtney.