How to deal with drinking problems??

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I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I lost an uncle to alcoholism, a wonderful man when he wasn't drinking, which was few and far between. He married his high school sweetheart, the love of his life, and she left him because of the drinking. She waited 20 years for him to see if he would give up the drinking to be with her, and he never did. He loved her, he just loved drinking more. People are right when they say it has to come from the person to want to change. My uncle didn't, and he drank up until the day he died of cirrhosis.

I have several other uncles in the same situation and none of them feel like they need help. I know it is hard, but you have to think about yourself too. He needs to want to change for himself, and if he doesn't feel the need to then he doesn't really deserve you right now. You have to take care of yourself first. Maybe leaving him will give him the push he needs to change, maybe not. Only time will tell. Just know that we are here for you if you need anything, and that getting help from support groups is a good idea. They've been through similar situations, they can help get you through this.
 
All that has been said here is true. A person can only get help when they realize they are the one's with the problem and they are the one's that need to get help. It took me years to realize this and the day I admitted it to myself is the day I knew I needed help. I am a recovering self mutilator and have been in recovery for 2 years. But I know that had it not been for my best friend showing me a video of me, in the bathroom with blood running down my arms razor blade in hand, that I would still be cutting myself. It was that night, seeing myself through someone else's eyes, that made me realize I had a problem and needed help. I still have the scars and every stressful day that goes by, I want to cut, but I know that I would lose everything I love and would never be able to get that back.
Maybe this will be the "wake up" call that your husband needs to get the help that he needs. By leaving him and working through your pain, maybe he will see that he has a problem and will get help. Just know that none of this is your fault, it is the diseases fault and your husbands fault. Many hugs to you and I hope things turn around for you and your husband.
 
Aww, Honey, I am sorry for you. This is so common so good for you for taking a stand a saying that you won't put up with it anymore. Al anon is great. You might want to check out a 'speaker meeting" for AA also. Eventually you may try, only if he's willing, to take him to a speaker meeting also. They say "keep coming back" and eventually you'll hear a story you connect with or that you'll hear the answer you've been searching for. It does only work "if you work it" so if he's still in denial, it may be pointless, unless he can have an open mind then he can have the "fake it til you make it" attitude. When he realizes the seriousness then he may promise to slow down or quit but without AA and a sponsor, he WILL be back full force and even worse because it is a progressive disease. That doesn't make him a bad person. It is a sickness. You signed up for sickness and health but you're ultimate happiness doesn't need to be jeopordized. Like many have said, it is NOT your fault and you simply can't help someone who doesn't want the help. I strongly advise you to go to an al anon meeting at the very least. It wouldn't hurt to even check out a couple dif ones. I've been to some and didn't get much out of it and been to others feeling so uplifted and blessed. I wish you the best. You are a very strong woman and kudos for not just bouncing out and trying to help. I know with guys, if there's an underlying problem (which there usually is) its very hard for them to admit or talk about their deep dark emotions. AA and working with a sponsor is the ONLY thing that will help. Trust me, I have had lots of experience with this situation!
 
Melissa,

I know what you're going through. My husband was a binge drinker. He wouldn't drink every day, but when he did, he would drink way too much. A few times he ended up in the hospital. It was very stressful on our marriage. Once he started drinking, he couldn't stop. It would go on for three or four days straight where he would be drunk out of his mind. He was falling all over the place and making things very hard on me. I didn't want him to get hurt so I would take care of him, watch him and make sure he didn't get hurt. He was spending alot of money on alchohol when we didn't have alot of money in the first place. It started out happening just once in awhile, and by the end it was happening a few times a month. He also denied he had a problem. It got to the point where he lost his job for calling out sick to often (from the drinking). He got very depressed, got very drunk, and took too much medication. He ended up in the hospital in critical care on a ventilator for several days. This was the last straw. It finally got threw to him that he had a problem and needed help. It was tough, but we got threw it together. He started going to AA meetings and counseling and everything. I went with him for support. This was four years ago and he's doing pretty good. A few times he's slipped and had a drink, it wasn't easy, but for the most part he's been doing great. We're still together and our marriage is much better. I understand that he has a problem, and that he wasn't doing things to purposefully hurt me.

Good luck to you, no matter what you decide to do. Even if your husband refuses to, i recommend you go to counseling alone and get some advice. It really does help. They have meetings for family members of alchoholics too. Maybe something like that would help. I truely know how tuff it is and what you're going through. I loved my husband tremedously, but sometimes I couldn't stand to see what he was putting himself through and I wondered if I should leave or not. If you ever need someone to talk to about it, just email me and I'll send you my phone number. Sometimes just talking to someone who's been there and getting your feelings out help, too. [email protected] . Remember to take care of yourself too. Sometimes I would be so worried about my husband and taking care of him that I forgot about myself and what I needed.

Erin
 
Thank you so much to everyone who has provided me with insight and personal stories. I know it is hard to open up like that sometimes. He is not physically abusing me, but sometimes the mental abuse is there, and it is really hard to deal with because once he sobers up, he is sorry. It is just so hard because he doesn't admit that he has a problem, and I know he will not be open-minded to going to meetings....because he doesn't think he has a problem. It is all very frustrating. Definitely one vicious cycle. I just really still don't understand how someone could love alcohol more than someone they have been with for 5 years...someone they have taken vows to spend the rest of their life with. It is just beyond me. You guys are right though-he has to be the one to realize he has a problem and want help for himself. I have heard several people say that. I wish it could be different, because I would take his place to go through this for him, but unfortunately it can't be like that. I have talked to him several times on the phone since I have been at my mom's house, and it always ends with us fighting and me crying.
I know he loves me, but at what point do I put it aside that I love him, and start loving myself more? I guess now is that time, huh? Just wish this was easier. Thank you guys so much for your kind words. I was surprised at how much feedback I got. I haven't been on here in a couple of days.
 
Ultimately, the decision is yours as to when enough is enough. You need to ask yourself how long do you want to give him, how much longer do you want to feel the way you feel.

Good luck with your decision and know that we're all here for support.
 
It will not be an easy decision Melissa, and don't beat yourself up if you can't make it right now this second. There will be a day and a time when enough will be enough for you, only you will decide that.

I think if you attended Al Anon or looked into it they could really help you through some of these difficult times.

Blessings to you Melissa, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Sheena said:
I just really still don't understand how someone could love alcohol more than someone they have been with for 5 years...someone they have taken vows to spend the rest of their life with. It is just beyond me.
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I don't think he loves alcohol more than he loves you. I believe alcoholism is an addiction. Has any of us tried to stop smoking, lose weight, quit biting our nails (though that is not a physical addiction)? I used to smoke and I quit. It was very difficult and it would have been so much easier just to keep smoking. I'm not saying it's okay for him to continue drinking and it is very difficult not to take it personal but I'm sure he loves you. I don't know what the answer is and I hope he finally realizes he needs help because not only will he lose you, but he'll lose a lot more out of life, too. I am so sorry you are going through this terrible time. I hope he can resolve his drinking problem and live a happy and productive life with you.
 
eroomlorac said:
I don't think he loves alcohol more than he loves you. I believe alcoholism is an addiction.
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Laurie's right on the nose. In my experience with an alcoholic family member, it was actually just the opposite. The alcoholic loves both of us very much, but had no other coping skills for the pressure of my other parent's problems. Once a habit, like having a drink when you're stressed, is formed, it's easy for that habit to become something much more destructive. Alcohol and the emotional changes it causes (relaxation, 'happiness', forgetfulness) can quickly go from an occasional indulgence to a necessity in the addict's mind, especially in certain people with a genetic predisposition or a family history.

In my case, both parents had alcoholic parents; one grew up with both of them binge drinking every weekend and spent most of high school working at home, working at a job, and taking care of the other family members stuck under the "care" of alcoholics. Growing up, I genuinely felt unloved and unwanted, just another burden, the reason for all the drama. When I finally grew up enough to confront one of my parents about it and said clearly "I don't feel like you love me as much as you love being drunk", things changed.

If you have an intervention, being honest with him about how neglected you've felt while he's drinking may help get your point across. He loved you enough to marry you; that feeling has to be there still, but the addiction is getting in the way. He can't realize that, so when the time comes, its up to you to help him see (either by sitting his loved ones down with him and having a confrontation or simply leaving, whichever you decide is best for you). You're the only person that truly knows and understands (sometimes) your own feelings; you're the only one in that marriage right now that can stand up for you.
 
When the pain of change is less than the pain of staying the same you will know what to do. Don't worry that you don't have clarity right now.

I too grew up with an alcoholic father, who finally went into treatment when I was around 10. It took my mother moving out, keeping him from seeing me, and getting an apartment for him to see... He's been sober for around 20 years. I'm very proud of him.

Coming from a counselor here, I highly recommend going to a few sessions yourself:) My mother went when things were at the roughest point and it helped if for no other reason to go through the range of emotions one feels in a safe place.

I do want to praise you for already taking some actions. Life is too short to be miserable. hugs

heather
 
Sorry I haven't been able to get back on in a while. I haven't had internet access. We talked some things over and I ended up going back home...hoping this is the right thing to do....but we talked about everything, and I agreed to quit smoking if he quits drinking. So far so good. He had one slip up, but I guess that is to be expected. He does seem like he is really trying, but I can only hope and pray that he continues trying, and overcomes this. I told him, with nothing held back, how his drinking is tearing us apart and how it makes me feel. He recently got in a motorcycle accident, and got in trouble for drinking (even though he wasn't drunk), and is mandated to go to counseling meetings once a week on wednesdays for 8 weeks. The first one was yesterday, and they will be on wednesdays form now on, but it was mostly just filling out paperwork. I am just really hoping and praying that he will take something from it and get to the opoint where these counseling sessions actually help him to the point that they don't just seem like an inconvenience to go to, and a loop hole to jump through. I will keep you guys posted on the happenings of everything, and once again, thank you so much for the support.
P.S. If I don't get back to you right away, I don't have constant internet access, but will eventually check it. lol.
 
I am sorry you're in such a difficult situation. I have a couple close friends who are alcoholics. One is one of my best friends...her recovery ebbs and flows. We have been through so much ugliness but at the same time, through her disease I realized my bad drinking habits. I can relate to the appeal of being buzzed or even drunk. It helps with social anxiety. I rarely drink now and when I do I usually don't even finish the beer I started but it was different when I was younger and I can only imagine my habits have changed largely due to seeing an alcoholic in action. There were many times when I thought I had enough and could not contact this friend ever again. Once, we actually physically fought and she called me every name in the book. She told me she wished I was dead and I mean she called me every swear word. This was all while I was driving her home. She even tried to drag me out of the driver's seat before we started driving. I think she broke a girl's nose that night, slept with her manager and told his girlfriend. That was a banner night for sure. She actually hit me for not running over the manager's girlfriend and her friends when they blocked me by standing in the middle of the road. I ignored her for a while on the drive but finally snapped, called her an idiot and smacked her upside the head. I thought for sure I would hate her forever. But I don't. She is better now. Not recovered though. We've gone to many AA meetings together and they are really wonderful. They were cathartic for me since I'm pretty shy and quiet but I got to open up and people were always very accepting of me and anything anyone had to say. Also, the people who go give excellent advice and insight.

For me, it's very hard to not get angry and now I'm just at the point where I realize I can't control her actions. She asks me if it's ok for her to have a drink and I tell her it's her life. Because I know from past experience if I say no, she will find a way to drink if she really wants to, whether I'm there or not. It seems I don't really need to say anything to her--she brings up the fact she wants to drink and I just look at her and she starts trying to justify it or minimize it, realizes this and admits her whole thought process and the flaws in it. She knows exactly what she's doing but for a long time I wasn't aware of this so I didn't know she had that kind of perception.

Her brother was an alcoholic with diabetes and she used to worry about him all the time when she'd hear him fall over and such. He recently died, he killed himself and although that has been incredibly hard on her I think she actually can see the lessons of his life and apply them to hers. She knew he was going to die soon, we all did (him too), but it didn't make it any easier. So obviously family had a huge role in her alcoholism, whether genetic or environmental but probably both.

My advice would be to go to AA meetings with him if you can. To warm him up to the idea. I really liked them when I expected not to. Counseling is great and if he is seeing someone good, then it will be even easier for him to get something out of it. You could really stay or leave and be able to justify your actions either way. Both paths are understandable. I have never been married so I can only comment on having an alcoholic best friend but I am glad I stuck through it and still am doing so.
 
Don't forget to tell him, what you tell us. If you're proud of him, tell him, a lot. Guys can be like small children who need constant reminding, lol. That's what my husband says anyway.

If he slips again, don't be too hard on him, but let him know you're upset or hurt. Crucifying him will only make it worse. Alcohol is an addiction, the first 40 days are the hardest. Think of all of the quit smoking products out there, patches, pills, gum... there is nothing for alcoholics. If he was drinking due to emotional issues he may need to get on an antidepressant, even if you have to pitch it as a way to help him stop drinking.

Good luck on your very bumpy road and hard journey ahead.
 
Thank you, you guys. I agree that I need to continue telling him how well he is doing. I have been trying to tell him all the time how proud of him I am. I even make funny little comments like, "Wow, you look so sexy with that pop instead of a beer!" Lol, don't know how well that works, but am trying to be supportive of him.
Wow Caiti, what a night, huh? That is pretty intense. Yeah, it's crazy how drinking can lead to such destructive behavior that no one would ever consider within the realm of their capabilities to do when they are sober. Really lowers your inhibitions, that's for sure. It's a sad thing, and definitely difficult.
 
Sheena said:
Thank you, you guys. I agree that I need to continue telling him how well he is doing. I have been trying to tell him all the time how proud of him I am. I even make funny little comments like, "Wow, you look so sexy with that pop instead of a beer!" Lol, don't know how well that works, but am trying to be supportive of him.
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That actually kind of adorable!! Hey, if I had someone I loved telling me I looked sexy with a can of soda I'd get another can and be all "wwhooo two cans--double time. How you like me now?!?!" hahhaahahhaha.

Letting him know how happy you are to see him improving is key. And awesome that you are doing it. Slip ups will happen but as long as controlled is regained, all is not lost.

I got so caught up with your husband's situation I forgot you're trying to quit smoking!! That is incredibly tough, too. How is it going? I quit about 3 or 4 years ago (cold turkey. having asthma helps with that, ha!)...wow I actually lost track. I would X out every day on my calendar that I didn't smoke...I did that for a whole year. My entire calendar was covered in Xs, haha. But it helped, though. Made me able to see my progress.

Yes, drinking lowers or sometimes eliminates inhibitions. The story of my friend, she would never dream of doing those things when she was sober and really is not the kind of person you would expect to do anything like that. Fortunately, that story was from 4 or 5 years ago and was at the peak of her disease. She's never done anything like that since and we've had several conversations about what happened etc.

I'm very glad you guys are trying to better yourselves and that you're being super supportive for him. I wish you all the luck!!
 
The quitting smoking is tough. I am not doing the patch or anything...just cold turkey, and it sucks. lol. I have had quite a few slip ups, and he says stuff like, "Well, you smoked a cigarette today." and I just don't think he gets it that this is not a competition. Its like he feels that if I smoke a cigarette than he can drink. That's not how it is. Men are funny sometimes.
I mean, I think I am doing pretty well with the not smoking though, because I went from smoking a pack a day to smoking one or two a day. That's 18 less cigarettes in one day! I think I am doing pretty well, and so does he, but like I said, he thinks that when I slip up its a license for him to drink a beer. lol. Crazy
 
Oh, too bad. I know you were probably in part trying to have it so you'd motivate eachother while you were both working on separate but similar things. Maybe if he views it as a competition, try to egg him on to beat you the days he sees you've had more than a cigarette or two. Say "yea, well why don't you show me how it's done?" or you can ask him for advice on how to go a day without having your vice (smoking) and maybe he'll feel like "Wow, I'm really making progress. I can give her advice on how to quit" Maybe it'll be a morale booster for him.

Way to go for cutting down that much, that's awesome!!! YAY!!!! It's hard to let the last cigarette go (when you're down to one a day/week/whatever). You always know you have that one a day but honestly, the anticipation and negative thoughts about quitting are worse than the quitting itself. Yes, it's going to suck when you finally realize you're not going to let yourself have any cigarettes but once you get it over with and get used to not smoking, you'll be fine. Practically everyone of my friends smoke and I still smell it and wonder if I would enjoy it if I had one again, but I know I honestly wouldn't try even if everyone was tempting me. I guess I just don't care about it that much anymore. You'll get there, however long it takes--just keep trying.
 
I don't know why this popped into my head.

Figure out how much you guys were spending on cigs and alcohol. Pick something you guys want to buy, or someplace you want to go for vacation. And put that money in an account for it. It will help give you guys something to look forward to and think about. :)
 
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