How to deal with drinking problems??

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Sheena

Sheena

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
85
Location
Michigan
I am married, and got married about 2 years ago. My husband and I have been together for over 5 years. He drank a lot when we first got together, but I partied with him on the weekends. We are both growing up now, and the drinking is causing a real problem for our marriage. I just don't know when to say enough is enough and leave for good? I am staying at my moms and have been for about a week and a half. I love him with all my heart, but he loves the bottle. I just don't know what to do. He is a really fun, great person to be around when he is not drinking, but those instances are becoming too few and far between.
Has anyone went through this? If so, please give me some advice. I am going crazy over here. He of course, denies he has a problem, and blames our problems on me, because I left and went to my moms house. I know in my heart that this isnt my fault, but I am starting to wonder sometimes if I shouldnt have just stayed and put up with it, to get through it. I just feel that it will not get any better as long as he keeps drinking.
I have offered to go to meetings with him for support, to stop drinking completely (I rarely drink anyways anymore), and even to quit smoking. He just keeps skating around it. I really don't know what to do.
If anyone has any avice, please feel free to let me know. Because at this rate, we are heading for a divorce, and that breaks my heart.
Thanks in advance!
Melissa
 
Melissa I am very sorry you are going through this. I have loved 2 alcoholics in my life, one was my first love the other was a best friend. This situation will always be you cannot help anyone unless they want the help. If your husband denies he has a problem you will never be able to force him to get help.

There are a few things you can do. You can leave, get out of the relationship and realize there wasn't anything you could do. Or you could seek help from Al-Anon which is a group people go to for support when they have people they love who are alcoholics. You could also seek counseling on your own to get guidance in how to live your life while loving someone with an addiction. You could tell your husband your concerns, tell him you're life is not what you want for the both of you and see if he will go to counseling. Sometimes people with addictions need a little nudge to help them see they are having this problem.

The only thing I know for sure is, if he doesn't want help or doesn't think he needs help you can't force it on him as that really won't work.

It sounds like you're doing everything you can Melissa, and you can't beat yourself up about this if it doesn't work. Relationships of all kinds, marriage, family and friendship all take work--but everyone has to work together not just one person.

I wish you much luck! And remember as a a forum we are also your family and will try to help you with whatever may come your way.
 
More often than not people drink to "get away" and deal with other problems, is it possible that you could try to figure out the other problems and try to work with hoping the drinking will relent?

You might have to just give an ultimatum... me or the bottle. You attempt to get help and you'll stay, you don't, I leave.

If he has friends and family that take your side you may try and intervention. A lot of these things will start off in a bad way, but in the end, it will be better.
 
Thank you guys for the advice. I was actually looking into going to an al-anon meeting. My mom offered to go with me for support. I have been doing research on alcoholics, and symptoms, and I just cried because everything that they say describes him to a "T". And I realized that I am being his enabler, which is scary. I actually talked to his father about this, and he is going to try talking to him, but I don't know how much help that will be. I also tried giving him the altimadum(sp?) and that is why I have been at my moms house for a week and a half. Everytime we try talking about it, he blames this on me because I am the one who left. But the sad part is that I know that even if I would have stayed, yes, I am sure things would have worked themselves out and we would have made up, but that would have just been postponing the inevitable, and this incident would have just been swept under the rug to be dealt with at a later date.
I am just so hurt right now, and don't want that to cloud my judgement. My family/friends tell me to just leave, period. That is why I came here for advice from a neutral party. Thank you guys so much for advice. I think I am going to look into al-anon meetings in my area and see if that helps me look at this objectively.
 
But you left because he won't stop drinking... there was a problem that's why you left. He didn't start drinking because you left. Do not go back until he promises to try and get help.

When he drinks does he get abusive?

Go to AA, ask them for help on how to get him there. They have been there, they know what's going on with him more than anyone else right now.

Tell him that you will come back but he must cut back to 2 beers each night instead of 6 and discuss going to AA with you, so something like that. Give him three chances, if he messes up three times go back to your mom's.

This is hard.... other people have been where you are, he can be better, if you can make him aware he needs help. If he never will admit that he does need to change, he won't.
 
Sheena said:
I love him with all my heart, but he loves the bottle.
Click to expand...
This is one of the saddest things I read in your post & I am really sorry that you feel that way because of your husband's behaviour with alcohol. :(

One of the things I think many people learn (& Laurie & Riven have already commented on) is that you cannot change another person. If his first priority is alcohol & he is blaming you then he is abdicating responsibility for his actions - it is easier to blame you than look at himself.

My heart goes out to you - you are in a difficult position & it is obvious you want to try to repair things but the question I would ask is whether you truly believe your husband has it in himself to face his responsibilities & take steps to leave alcohol behind. Does he have it in himself to change?
If he has always had a problem then I suspect it will be very hard for him to see that he is in trouble. Even though you want to, you can't do it for him & it's painful to watch someone you love struggle.

I wish you all the very best.
 
I grew up with one alcoholic parent and one abusive parent, and they weren't the same person. The more the abusive parent acted out, the more the alcoholic drank, which upset the abuser more, which made the alcoholic drink more, and on and on until after I moved out for college.

Get yourself out (ultimatum or not) before 2-legged children get involved. Use that as a reason if you have a confrontation with him: "I don't want our kids raised by a drunk". It's not fair for a 9 year old to clean Dad's vomit off the kitchen floor between math homework and history homework. And its not fair to his/her mother either.

*hugs* We're here if you need us, but as Laurie said, when he's ready to change he will, and not before. My alcoholic parent did it without programs and plans, but that's the kind of people I'm from. Alanon helped me not beat myself up about it. I kept the idea that if I'd just been better (read: not like my other parent) the drinking would stop well into my teens. It was hard to accept that I had only my parents to blame for their shortcomings, and that being angry about it, while a good motivator at the time, was turning me into them. I'd definitely take your mom up on that offer to go to a meeting. They can really help *you* find perspective on the situation, and decide how to move forward from here.
 
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alcoholism is hereditary--does anyone in his family also drink? Giving an ultimatum rarely works--he may stop only because he doesn't want to be without you, BUT he will start again or he will lie to you and tell you he isn't drinking when he really is. Many people believe alcoholics drink non stop everyday, but that is not always the case. Alcoholism is the abuse of alcohol. Some don't drink daily, but when they do drink they drink until they cannot function, or until they pass out. Not all alcoholics drink at work as many people believe. I really recommend Al-Anon it's what they are there for, they are there for the people living with and loving those addicted to alcohol.

If he is abusive to you, please don't stay with him.

And if things do not work out, please do not blame yourself for this.

Addiction is a very, very tough thing to deal with. It's very hard to come out of it without a lot of work and support but the addicted party HAS to be the one to take that step.
 
Addiction, alcoholism are extremely destructive- you can only control your actions, not his unfortunately. Try the Al-Anon meeting, they are really helpful for some people. I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm not a big fan of ultimatums, but it can be useful for you to lay out on the table what you need to do to take care of yourself, if that is leaving because he is abusive and you do not want to be around him while he is drinking.

Everyone above is right, alcoholism is a horrid disease, and a person can't change until they decide to/can change which is heart breaking. I'm so sorry you are going through this
 
Here is the thing, if he doesn't want help you will not be able to help him. Please know that YOU can't change him, and HE needs to change himself. One of my friends in college was an alcoholic, and has been recovering for several years now, and is now doing leadership to help others recover. Through our conversations the one thing she told me and stressed is that you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. They need to know they have a problem, they need to want the help. Otherwise they'll do the programs, but in the end they'll go back to the bottle because THEY never wanted to quit.

Look into the 12 steps program, instead of just AA program, 12 steps may work for him too. The 12 steps actually teaches someone to find their truth self, to change their entire life, etc. From what my friend told me it seemed like an amazing program. But again--you can't make him see he has a problem.

Sadly this is something where people hurt A LOT of people in the process, and can't see what they are doing.


I wouldn't say out right to leave him. He's going to need someone to be there for him, but you need to do whats best for yourself, too. Perhaps instead of treating him as a "lover" at this point, treat him as your best friend. Support him, and guide him if he's willing to be guided.

Good luck and *HUGS*
 
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He will definitely not change if you stay and nothing changes to motivate him. And sorry, but him promising to quit means nothing. You do not really have a marriage. Stay with your mom, go to Al-anon meetings and give him 6 months if you must to grow up and change. Or just end it now if you know in your heart you must. You know that if he is going to change he most likely will have to get new friends and a new coping behaviour
 
I lived with an alcoholic for four years. I love my uncle, but he really truly loved drinking. There are definitely different types of alcoholics. Not all drink because they have a problem to escape, some drink just because they like the beer. My uncle was one of those drinkers, and his best friend was his "drinking buddy". Once my aunt got him away from his best friend and down to SC, he began cutting back, and now drinks occasionally.

Keith (my current boyfriend) also has a "problem" with alcohol. He doesn't drink due to stress. He just genuinely enjoys drinking. It's gotten a lot better now that I moved in and saw how often he was drinking and confronted him (he would drink a beer almost every night when he got home) and he didn't see it as a form of alcoholism until we talked about it and he realized that yeah, it IS a form and it can turn into a bad habit. Now, he tends to let me set the pace on drinking and say when enough is enough.

My point is, you need to find out why he's drinking so much. Is it his form of a stress relief? Is it just because he likes the taste? Have you explained your fears and worries to him? If he's not willing to take a step back and listen and consider your point of view, then he's not ready to give up drinking and there may not be anything you can do despite how badly you want to. You've gotten good advice on how to deal with the situation. Talking to him so far hasn't worked, so I'd go to an AA or 12 step program and see what their suggestions may be. If that still doesn't work then there may not be anything you can do.
 
Melissa I want to point out too that if someone has a drinking problem and they don't truly stop drinking they will always have it. If you abuse alcohol your only hope for a normal life is to stop drinking alcohol. Trying to cut back for others is not the answer. If you're wife-girlfriend-mom-dad-siblings want you to stop, so you slow down in front of them, or stop for awhile in front of them, for them, you will not correct this problem. If anyone feels they have to monitor the drinking habits of someone they are not helping that person, someone who is an alcoholic has to stop for themself and for no one else.

Sometimes people have to really hit rock bottom--lose their wife, their girlfriend/boyfriend, lose their job before they see the light.

If you try to "help" an alcoholic by saying okay 2 beers is enough or it's okay to drink tonight because it's a wedding or a party or a celebration, you are simply enabling them which is not the solution they need.
 
My mother is a high functioning alcoholic, she drinks at night to the point of throwing up, then gets up at 4am. for work. She does not think she has a problem so there is no helping her. I have come to terms with this and I no longer feel guilty about her problem. I have three kids that I have to keep safe and healthy, and she knows that she is not welcome in our home until she admits she needs help, the way I see it, she is the one missing out on her grandkids lives, they are not missing out on her alcoholisim. I know you are going through an incredibly difficult time right now, but you need to decide what you want your life to be like. Sending hugs and wishing you didn't have to go through this.
 
I agree, you cannot change him, he needs to want to change. And with him blaming you, at this point it doesn't sound like he wants to change. That is one issue with many people, they hope and think that they can change others. It doesn't work that way.

My grandpa was an alcoholic. To the point that he killed himself with his drinking, and my mom suffered through what I would consider an abusive childhood due to his and my grandma's drinking. Don't put more children through that.

I agree that you need to give him an ultimatum. Stay at your mom's and give him 6 months to change. And not a fake change either. He would need to stop drinking and get in a rehabilitation program. If he can do that it would show that he's mature enough to be married. If he doesn't change then unfortunately I think you would need to separate. And I'm a person who hates divorce. But there are times when it's needed.
 
I dont really know how to help, except to say is, do as your doing. DONT let it be swept under the rug anymore.

My aunt and uncle are going through a VERY tough seperation right now, and my uncles drinking problem is the cause. Of course, he blames her for everything. He's actually tried killing her, its gotten so bad. He had 3 jobs and now has 0, and they are going bankrupt.
He's a great person to be around when hes not drinking, but as you've said, those moment are few and far between.

Another uncle also has a drinking problem. His is so bad, he blames his wife for everything. We all think he's turned to drugs as well. My cousin called me just the other night because he was so drunk he was taking their furniture outside and burning it.
As someone said, sometimes there something they are trying to forget or a problem behind their drinking problem. That's this uncles problem, he blames his wife for not getting to spend as much time with his brother and mom before they died.

Just dont let it be swept under the rug. We here don't want anything to happen to you. The sooner you help him the better.

Sorry you have to go through this ((((HUGS)))
 
My husband is a recovering alcoholic. He drank for more than 20 years, and spent many of those years drunk more often than not. He was newly sober when I met him (about a year and a half) and went to an AA meeting almost every night of the week. He quit drinking when he realized he was killing himself.

An alcoholic can't just drink "a little". They can't have 2 beers instead of 6 (or 8 or 10). They can't stop once they get started. My husband understands that even after all these years (he quit is 1977), if he started to drink again today, his disease will have progressed and will be worse than it was before. He is very careful. I don't even cook with alcohol, because the taste could set him off. It's not worth the risk,

AA is a wonderful 12 step program. But, as has been said, the person has to want it to work.

I know that I would not be with my husband today if he was drinking. You have to decide what you are willing to put up with. Until he decides he has a problem, things will continue to get worse. Are you willing to go through that? Is he able to hold a job?

Don't let him make you feel guilty. This is his problem, not yours. SInce he won't admit that, though, the only thing he can do is try to blame you.

Hang in there!

Becky
 
As the child born of two alchoholics who were also drug addicts in which the addiction killed both of them I can tell you what I did, I split and never looked back as soon as I could. There was no question what they loved and it was not me. Sounds cold but I did not get dragged down by them and had to do what I had to do to survive.
 
I find it heartbreaking that so many of us have relevant experiences. So I'll share my story too, though its hard for me to do. My dad has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember... I'm now 34. My mom stuck it out with him for too many years hoping he'd change. He didn't, and my whole family has suffered along with him. It's true that it's a family disease. My dad is now 63 and has lost his family, his job, his home-- everything. I'm not necessarily saying that you're headed down this same path, but don't wait to find out. Unless he makes a drastic commitment to change, I would break it off now before more happy years are wasted.

I think you are brave and strong for dealing with this headfirst, and grateful you are confronting the issue before (I think) children have entered the picture. I wish you, and your husband, all the best.
 
I've been affected too and it added up to a miserable childhood in so many ways. The verbal abuse that can be afflicted is really bad even if there is no physical abuse. Living on the edge wondering what to expect every day is terrible. I now have the help of a great therapist and hope you are able to also find a support system and know that you are doing the best you can in the situation. Also know I'm sending lots of love your way.
 
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