Advice for my daughter?

[Riven]

Sorry, long: Character Summary, Hailey - my daughter, Crystal - friend/mother of Amaris, Amaris - daughter of friend Crystal/friend of Hailey.

Hailey went to California with a friend for 6 weeks. They have about 2 weeks left. Today was her birthday, and she said it was the worst birthday ever. She's been telling my husband she wishes she never went. I asked Crystal what they did for her birthday and she said " they got pizza and she got her a little cake"....

I said something to Crystal that Hailey wishes she hadn't even gone and it was her worst bday ever... and she said "we have done everything we possibly could do. my family couldn't get together today so they are coming tomorrow and she got some presents from them, we're leaving the 26th" and now she's talking about canceling going to Tahoe... then I feel she'll be "blaming" Hailey they didn't get to go. I don't expect her to leave early...

I don't understand how ordering pizza and a little cake is doing everything for a kids birthday. Usually here they get to "be queen for the day" sort of thing, we go to dinner, they pick the place, and they pick something fun to do. Usually the park or museum, etc. Nothing extravagant, just getting out and doing something. Hailey told John she "had to buy her own birthday present". Crystal took them to the store, and bought Amaris a doll, but nothing for Hailey. Hailey had to buy her own. She didn't even get a card or anything from Crystal, I gave her her presents before she left. Crystal said she was going to buy her something in Tahoe... but it's not about no party, or no presents as much as she didn't feel it was a special day for her.

This trip has been an emotional disaster for me, not because Hailey is gone per se, but because she's hated the entire trip and spent most of the time miserable. This is not the way I'd have handled any of it if it was me running the trip. She told Hailey about all the fun things, and I thought they would be doing more activities, just like going places like parks, the beach, etc. but mostly they just sit around the house... Family comes over and does stuff with Amaris. Family comes over and takes Amaris shopping... Hailey gets to tag along and watch them buy Amaris a bunch of stuff, while she gets nothing. I'm not saying they should buy her a wardrobe, but the way I was raised, if there is a spare kid you get them SOMETHING, a t-shirt, a little purse, a piece of jewelry... for crying out loud every store has a clearance section...

Hailey told John that tomorrow they were having a party for Amaris's birthday, so I'm sure that's what Crystal told her. Hailey never forgets what people say, and she'll remember most of my grocery list for me at the store, it's amazing I've not lost my head with her gone. I'm really sure Amaris's birthday is in the fall as well... In the four weeks they have been there, they went to disney land, and the beach twice, and maybe a berry farm. They talked about going, but I never heard that for sure they did so I'm assuming it didn't happen.

Hailey was asked to go on the trip, she wanted to go of course, but she was going off the stuff she was told. Amaris got a new mountain bike while they were there... Hailey gets to ride a bike that is too small for her. Just stuff like that. I really feel she is getting treated second rate and it upsets me greatly. She is not a little companion child like the ones used by rich families in the days past, she was invited as a friend.

John said I should just stay out of it, and Hailey will be home in two weeks. I should've known better but for some reason believed that California made things differently than it is here. Crystal often says she will do things, but then doesn't. EX: For the four years I've known her every year she is going to throw a HUGE birthday party for Amaris, then it never happens...

I just really feel like she's just like a "toy" to keep Amaris entertained... which I'm pretty sure that's why she was invited. I don't expect her to get everything Amaris gets, but I don't feel she's being treated respectfully for the most part. Some of the family members have been very kind to her, and she's taking a liking to some of them.

I don't know what to do to make the rest of the trip better for her...

 

[Laurie]

I don't think you can. They only thing you can do to make things better for her is to bring her home early.

Unfortunately this was a terrible lesson learned by Hailey that not all friends are great friends

 

[Riven]

I did look into flights, but most won't send her alone anyway because she's ten. We are having a 'flower party' for her tomorrow. Several of us are sending her birthday flowers to help cheer her up. I added a teddy bear to mine so she would have a snuggle buddy...

 

[Dustbunnies]

Well...it doesn't sound good...but your child may have had plenty of fun at times, but those other times got her attention more. It's not easy or likely to go for 6 weeks and fill it jam packed with fun (too expensive). Staying with family is what made it possible it sounds like. Relatives of Amaris are likely to relate less to your kid, but someone should be looking out for her interests.

I would tell your daughter to enjoy relaxing around out there and soon she will be home. If there is something really specific she doesn't want to miss out on, maybe she can request that they do it.

Parents tell their kids stuff to get them excited about a trip that may not be that fun (Amaris may not have wanted to go to CA for 6 weeks). Hyping your kid up didn't do her any favors.

Try to speak to Crystal and see if you can't point out that Hailey needs some more attention...without making it sound like she isn't grateful for being brought along.

Hailey sounds like a sweet kid. Maybe you can send her a care package of something from home (and extra money) to tide her over. She can't expect to come home early, but she should know that she is supported in her regret to have gone.

 

[caiti]

That's a tough one. Try to convince her to remember the fun parts about being there (i.e if she has a nice bed, a cool view, the family members she likes, hanging out with her friend, nice weather etc) and when she gets upset to remember that she will be back to her normal life shortly.

Understandably, it's at least just as hard for you when she calls and tells you she's upset but if you stay optimistic while being understanding it might be easier for her to be convinced to try and have as much fun in the last couple of weeks that she can so she won't be miserable. I don't really know how you moms do it--I know it's incredibly hard though--when you get through your own panic of having an unhappy child and guide them through their tough time it's awesome and it works. This is coming from a kid (I am perpetually a little child).

It sounds like you've already tried talking to your friend which would be my first suggestion, but in lieu of that just try to get Hailey to go with the flow as much as possible. I'm not saying tell her to stop being upset, she has a right to be upset, as do you but let her vent while you mom-ingly point out things she can be happy about or just make part of the conversation happy if she doesn't have anything there she can be happy about.

And also remember, you are the only one she can vent to so you're getting ALL the venting, ya know?

 

[Laurie]

Nicole I love the flower party idea! Sorry you can't get any flights for her. She really is stuck. I think a good thing to do is do something really fun for her when she gets back. Maybe a homemade pizza party or letting her eat raw cookie dough!

I surely hope she doesn't stay friends with that girl--she sounds pretty selfish and self absorbed!

 

[addictedtochins]

Aww, that's to bad. You should have known that's what would happen. You ever watch wife swap on TV? Every single household is unique. I always do big birthdays for my son Jeremy. We don't waste money on the little stuff and he never wanted "toys" so we got stuff like a used dirt bike. If I were you I would have mailed gifts and cards so she would have had them on her birthday. I also would have given Crystal a gift card at Hailey's favorite food/party place for the 3 of them

 

[Dustbunnies]

And also remember, you are the only one she can vent to so you're getting ALL the venting, ya know?[/QUOTE]


Yes, there isn't much to say about something that was fun other than it was fun. Kids that age have eagle eyes for unfairness and bad/boring times...and that's all that they mention.

Ask her to tell you one fun thing she did each day.

Lucky kids....my summer was never about having fun. I just sat around doing nothing (was alone and not allowed to do anything) and then got griped out for not doing chores.

 

[Riven]

I send her money every check to her money card. She has money to spend for her stuff. She pays for her own food, etc. So there are not a lot of extra expenses for her to be there.

I've looked at the Bakersfield site, there are a lot of fun things to do there. And now I'm getting different stories... Hailey said she asked a million times to go see a new movie she's been dying to see. Then Crystal is obviously reading our online chat ( it's her computer ) because she texted me saying she didn't ask... or even tell her it was out. Well she told me on the phone like six times... both of my girls have been counting down. I know I'm biased here, but Hailey's got a super memory... if she told her... she'd remember doing it. I'm not saying some of her boredom isn't just kid boredom... but yea.

 

[addictedtochins]

You could surprise her one day by finding out if she is staying home for the next hour or so, go online to Pizza Hut or somebody and pay to have a surprise pizza and drinks delivered

 

[eroomlorac]

AS someone else mentioned, everyone's household is different. Hailey is used o the way you do things and it's difficult for her not to expect the same treatment where she's at. Try to remain upbeat during your phone calls and try to point out the fun things they do and minimize the bad times she feels she's having.

 

[Riven]

I just had this brilliant thought this morning... last night I was trying to joke with Crystal and such so she's not all mad and things settled a little bit. And she said Amaris is really upset because she didn't know Hailey was having such a terrible time...

And I was laying in bed thinking about that, and I'm sure it's so because Amaris is a very emotionally receptive/sensitive child, but then I was thinking like how much fun would Amaris have if we took her with us and went to my grandma's for four weeks ( she lives on a 640 acre farm...) and then I realized Amaris doesn't even stay the night at OUR house even though it's a half a block away! Any time she tries she ends up calling her mom in the middle of the night to go home... so I find it odd that either one of them should be surprised that Hailey is home sick...
And I understand that they don't do something greatly fun everyday... but in four weeks, they have done less than one fun thing each week, the rest of the time they sit at the house... no parks or stuff like that.
Crystal said she'll see about skipping Tahoe, I told her just to go, Hailey will get over it. That should be the funniest part of the trip anyway.

I know every household is different, but she normally spends a lot of time with Amaris, stays the night there, etc. To me a vacation involves doing stuff. Even if we go to Wisconsin to visit my family we do something each day, a park trip, we go up to the dells, castle rock, fishing, take the boat out, etc.

 

[mishellyshel]

six weeks is a long time for a 10 year old to be away from her mom. she would probably be homesick whether she is doing stuff every day or not.

unfortunatley not every family does things the same and while staying home once in a while on vacation is ok, i have to agree, i would find something to do everyday. and if money is an issue there are plenty of free things to do: park, mall, etc.....

all you can really do is encourage her to have a good time for the last couple weeks and i say promise her a super birthday party when she returns! and promise her a fabulous august before school starts!

 

[Riven]

Yup she knows we have their party planned for the 31st ( her and her sister's bdays are 11 days apart ). And we were going to go camping in Valentine, maybe kayaking, but I think we'll wait until she gets back. Unfortunately for her, school starts mid August for them... her whole summer is literally nearly gone...

I also know that there is a difference between home sick, and just wishing you didn't do it. It's like being in the hospital for something... home sick. On the way back from a chin show I bombed at... just wish I didn't go! LOL

 

[Riven]

She got the flowers and I requested a stuffed animal with it, and they sent her a webkinz so she's thrilled.... but now she's not allowed to use the laptop because someone broke it... but crystal, amaris, her dad, and her brother can all use it... so basically just not Hailey... Hailey uses the computer all the time and has never broke it. If you said it was Andi.. I'd believe that. I'm just getting more and more pissed as the time goes on. At the sake of being mean I can't wait until my daughter is home and she can go back in live in her crappy house that looks like it's going to fall down and sit on her lazy *** doing nothing like she always does...

 

[3CsMommy]

Having read this whole thing, I was still somewhat on the fence because it was possible that Crystal and Amaris really didn't think they were being unfair or exclusionary toward Hailey, or didn't realize Hailey could see things that way.

Then I read "but now she's not allowed to use the laptop because someone broke it... but crystal, amaris, her dad, and her brother can all use it... so basically just not Hailey."

Not cool. That's essentially saying "Whether you did it or not, we're punishing you for it because you're not family" and the unfairness of that decision should be obvious to anyone with a fully developed emotion center in the brain (aka: an adult). If one child can't use the computer, none of them should be able to. That's just a simple example of fair play.

I predict a change in Hailey's friendship with Amaris after this. If nothing else, she's seen the selfish/unfair side of Crystal, and that will reflect on Amaris whether she's the actual problem or not. I'm sorry your daughter isn't being treated like a best friend should. My family is the "everyone present is family" type, and I can't understand purposely leaving a child out in this situation or treating her any differently than the friend she went with. (Were Hailey with us, her food would be covered too. If we couldn't afford lunch for 4 people on a given day, we ate at home/had a cooking lesson.)

 

[Riven]

I know every family is different, but children learn what they live. I don't lie to my children. There is a Everclear song that says "promises mean everything, when you're little and the world is so big" and that's always been my theory with my kids.

I might say " we might go to the zoo"... and they know that means we might go. But if I say " we are going to go to the zoo" we will go, if something prevents us from going, we'll re-plan for another weekend. When you tell them you'll do it... it's like a promise.

Today I found out from Hailey they are no longer going to the Jelly Belly factory... Crystal told her they WERE going to go to it... and talked up how neat it was etc. for weeks before they left. Another let down for Ms. Hailey... I'm going to ask Crystal tonight why they aren't going... I'm going to guess they "ran out of time"... because they'd been sooo busy.

Last week a family member came over to give Amaris sewing lessons, Crystal bought her a machine over a year ago but never bothered to figure it out for her and tried to get me to do it, I never said no, she just never pursued it further. Hailey was excluded from the lessons ( she already knows how to sew anyway we have two machines, but still ) and said Amaris was going to sew her something for her birthday... but "ran out of time"... My heart has broken a million times this week now that all of these stories are coming out.

 

[Olallie]

I think the berry farm you are referring to is Knott's Berry Farm. That place is very boring to me because i hate rollercoasters. But i think california is a very boring place anyway. Unless you go to the beach everyday. haha in calirfornia you have to drive hours to get anywhere interesting like yosemite and the big redwoods, universal studios, beaches. Actually if she is close to universal studios she should go walk around the City walk there, very interesting stores and things to look at.

If she wants to see a celeb she should go to Century City which is probably 45 mins from universal, there is a really expensive mall there celebs like to go to. Its called the westfield mall. Otherwise I would tell her to go to the beach everyday!

 

[cuddlycuddles]

This all sounds really wrong. Can you go and get your daughter back sooner? I'd try hard for sure!

 

[Lynn & The Chins]

I don't have any children of my own, but I can say that from my own childhood experience, being away from home for 6 weeks at the tender age of 10 would have probably left me a complete basket case!!! I was 12 before I had to go to a "sleep away" camp for 2 weeks, and THAT was hard. I should mention, for the record, that I was a very anxious and true "ugly duckling", so I was ALWAYS self conscious. It's hard to believe that I blossomed into someone who chose sales as a career, first at the Denver Post and then at Neiman Marcus.

My heart breaks for Hailey, because if you're with your "best friend", then I think that you have the right to be expected to be treated like one by EVERYONE.

This Crystal seems like a real piece of work. I agree -- with kids, they take you at your word, and if she was promised a 6 week trip involving many activities and sightseeing opportunities, then I think she got the shaft!!! I can almost understand the mom inviting a friend to join them, so that the daughter would have someone with whom to have fun ("with whom to have fun" being the operative phrase here), but she should be willing to make the aforementioned fun things happen.

Nobody wants to go somewhere new and then just sit at home with relatives. Even if it was only every couple of days they should have gotten to do activities. I agree -- money is not a factor -- it's free to go to the beach, fancy malls that they don't have at home, even the neighborhood park with a pool.

And to top it off, NO birthday celebration??? I agree, birthdays were ALWAYS big in my family. We still call each other and sing "Happy Birthday" on our birthdays. Ice cream and cake should have been provided at the very least. I hope that when Hailey gets home you will have a real BLOWOUT party for her to make up for the shabby time she had on HER special day!!!

I also think that when they get home, you should have a (as my mother called them, "A heart to heartless") conversation about how unhappy you are with the way things turned out. Maybe Crystal is from a dysfunctional family and is not used to keeping her word. But to not celebrate a child's birthday??? That's just WRONG!!!