venting in progress, enter at your own risk!

[ChinnyMom]

hey all,

i'm not usually the type to vent my frustrations, but tonight is really getting to me!!!! i apologize in advance for the lengthy reading, lol.

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last Thursday, my boyfriend's daughter went in for major surgery to fix an issue with her skull bones - they fused in a fashion that caused her to have a bit of a pointed/angled forehead. the condition is called metopic craniosynostosis. she is not quite 2 1/2 years old yet. she lives with her mom and my bf gets her on a semi - regular basis for one or two days/nights on weekends. bf lives here in Edmonton, and his ex lives in a town that is about 40 minutes away.

as for the surgery - basically the surgeon filleted her forehead skin open, peeled it back, fixed the skull plates, and sewed her back up. big time surgery for a wee one! she was in hospital recovering until just this past Wednesday, when she finally got to go home. a week is a long time in hospital for a toddler!

my reason for the need to vent is my boyfriend and the way he is treating his ex (the child's mom) and me in regards to this whole situation.

he wants to have his daughter come visit him tomorrow for part of the day. previously this week, his ex had said that might be a possibility. as in a 'maybe'. today that maybe turned into a 'no', with no inclination that it would be a yes at any point.

my boyfriend is acting like a dang child over this decision. he stated that he 'started a war' with his ex. he interrupted me, raised his voice on the phone when i was explaining that it was indeed a 'maybe' and if that maybe turned into a 'no' then that was that, and the child's mother had made the decision and that was final. he then hung up on me!

you have to remember, this kid just went through a major procedure (surgery was about 9-10 hours long!), and is still swollen through the noggin and has a huge incision healing that goes from the top of one ear, across the top of her head, and down to the top of the other ear. Ouch! i'd be a super over protective mother and not want her to go anywhere if i was in that situation, and i totally understand where the mom is coming from on her decision of 'no' for the visit. i also understand that my bf may be leaving for work for two weeks soon, and wants to see her before he goes. there are many ways he could see his kiddo, without having to have kiddo at his place for part of the day without the mom/ex there.

i say you put your differences aside, suck up any harsh feelings, and do what is right for the child, especially in times like this, when a child is recovering from major surgery.

i've asked for an apology for his ridiculously childish behaviour on the phone with me. have not heard back from him yet.

in addition, i've seen that my bf was going to the hospital mostly on his convenience/what suited his schedule (and he is on days off right now). He had the nerve to show up one day at about 11:15 am and then tell his ex that he wanted to leave by noon. when the ex didn't come back to the kiddo's room right at noon, he sent a text to her saying 'your turn'. the nerve! his ex had been taking 'her turn' every day and night for the whole time! his reason for wanting to leave so early? he wanted to go get some wood to make a canopy top for one of his fish tanks. yes folks, his fish tank took precedence over his daughter that day! this was also the same day that i went to the hospital on my own, because the ex needed a break (she'd been there 24/7 since the morning of the surgery), and i offered to come for a couple hours so she could go get a coffee and have some down time. my bf's kiddo really likes me, and she is a lil sweetie, so i was happy to do this for the ex, because i understand what it is like to have to do everything on your own when you are a single mom, never mind having to deal with your kiddo being in hospital.

thanks for listening to me vent! i needed that!


edit - just got a text from him. not sure if i should read it now, or wait til i've cooled down. i think i'll cool down first.

 

[Lynn & The Chins]

I'm no relationship expert, but I think he is acting like a petulant child. Of course, what's best for the child is what should be done. He needs to grow up and stop being such a baby!!!

And yes, I think he owes both you, as well as his ex, an apology!!!

 

[ChinnyMom]

ah, i should have added 'petulant' when i told him he was acting childish! dang you Lynn and your good words! lol.

 

[Laurie]

Sherry I want to say how proud I am of you! Most girlfriens HATE ex girlfriends or ex wives and never side with them. I totally agree with you that your bf is being childish. This is a young girl who quite honestly will want and need her mommy no offense to her dad.

I think it's wonderful during this time you have sympathy and understanding for your bf's ex and I hope she appreciates it.

 

[Annieo]

I'm gonna go with Lynn for the win!

 

[Andrea]

..."your turn"...REALLY?! Oof!!!! That is not cool at all. I think maybe you should give yourself some time to cool down and then try talking with him rationally...though he clearly does not think he's in the wrong. When someone thinks everyone else is "the bad guy" then it can be hard to make him/her see their part in the problem. Hopefully he comes to his senses.

 

[ChinnyMom]

he's been inundating me with sad face text messages all night. he wants me to come over to his place so he can apologize in person. i simply said no, i'm tired, it's starting to rain storm out there, and i just feel like being alone tonight. hopefully he'll realize that it's going to take some time for me to think of him the same way again, and some effort on his part to change his behaviour for the better.

Laurie, quite often the stories one hears about their sig other's exes are straight from the sig other, so it is usually all the negative and nothing good is said, unfortunately.

what i do is meet the person if possible, and make the decision for myself if they are decent folk or not. in this instance, i see a mom that is very concerned for her little girl, and is an all around decent person. yes, there may have been a falling out between her and who is now my sig other, but one failed relationship does not make a person who they are. there are a couple things that i don't like about the ex, but you can't like everybody 100% all the time, and everyone has faults, eh?

 

[ChinnyMom]

ok ladies! if you have somebody that you have recently ended a relationship with, returned all belongings of theirs that were at your house, and told them to leave you alone, yet you still receive harassing text messages that contain false allegations, what do you do?????

i've called the local police department, they said they can't do anything!

 

[RDZCRanch]

Change your number or ask your phone company to block his number. Are the messages threatening or just false allegations as to why you ended the relationship? If they aren't threatening then there isn't much you can do other than not let him get to you and just move on.

 

[ChinnyMom]

he's calling me things that i am not, and ignoring them does not cause him to stop sending them at all.

i'm in a financial position at the moment where changing my contact information will cause delays in funding. i can't afford to have any delays like that. plus, i shouldn't have to change the phone number i've had for years because of some (insert body part attached to colon here).

phone company (cell provider) will charge extra to block numbers, it is not free.

ugh.

 

[Lynn & The Chins]

As I said at first, I'm no relationship expert, but I am guilty of having had a "bad boyfriend" when I was younger.

Agree to meet him in a public space so that he is less likely to make a scene, and offer to discuss in a calm, rational, ADULT manner why you are ending the relationship.

Ask him very nicely, but firmly, to stop harassing you or tell him that you will have no choice but to take out a restraining order or an order of protection against him. I believe that we have several members on here who are attorneys and will be able to give you more accurate information.

If it makes you feel any better, most of us gals will have what I call a "bad boyfriend" at least once in our youth, hopefully while you are in your twenties. I think it's less likely as we mature and become wiser.

Good luck...

 

[ChinnyMom]

he's 32 flipping years old! you would think that by that age anybody would be past the spiteful stupid stage, eh?

he knows the relationship is over, and why. we have broken up already, he has all his items returned that were at my home. i had no items at his home.

what it boils down to is that i called him on what he did wrong, he didn't like it, and threw a hissy fit. the hissy fit is what told me i was done with him. he probably also didn't like the fact that i sided with the mother of his child, for the good of the child.


i am going to visit my neighbourhood police detachment tomorrow, and explain the situation and the fact that i am being harassed by somebody that knows where i live and where my child's school is located. hopefully that will get something going.

 

[caiti]

When I was reading your first post, it seemed like he was just frustrated because he was as concerned for his daughter as her mother was.

Then I got to the part about him leaving for his fish and "your turn"...then it just went downhill. While I think it's usually better to leave big decisions like breaking up until after messy situations have cooled down, sometimes you just can't agree and work it out.

Parent-child relationships are tricky to deal with. Since you told him you basically don't think he's a good parent (in this instance) he is going to feel very raw and probably angry. Of course, the mature thing to do would have been to either let that message sink in or admit you're right or have a good argument as to why you're wrong.

That being said, there are a few different types of crazy. One in which he will calm down and return to normal, he's just hyped up about everything now and having a momentary lapse in sanity. Another in which he will become progressively crazier, though it seems you are actually calming him down, if you give him any hint of interaction between you two and you should cut him off until he slowly realizes you aren't going to be won over. And lastly, his crazy will just make him constantly crazy (this type you probably would have noticed in him before--but love is blind sometimes). There are probably more types, but these are the ones I've seen in relationships.

I have no advice as to what you should do but I hope it all works out and you don't have any problems and you (and kiddo) stay safe!!!

 

[ChinnyMom]

the last text received was last night, and i haven't gotten any more since then. hopefully he will just go away and i can resume my life and chalk the last month and a half up to one of life's adventures that i could have done without.