How? Kinda adult topic.

[Ash]

OK, I'm not going to use names here, just to keep everyone private. But here's the background. A is dating B, who is best friends with C, who WAS dating D.

Ok, A has been dating B for a little over three years now. I've recently come into some information from D that he's cheated. A has noticed secretive behavior from B and has seen some of the texts that he doesn't delete from his phone to the other girls from when he was drunk on New Year's Eve saying what he wanted to do. She confronted him, but he said it was just because he was drunk, and he didn't say he wanted to do "it" to HER(the girl he was texting).

D had said something to me a few months ago when she broke up wit C and found out stuff, but then, it was just suspicions based on things that C had said about when they go out to parties and stuff. However, now, some of the other girls have approached D saying that B has fooled around with them and they want to go to A, but aren't sure they'll believe her and are more worried she'll just get angry and call them liars.

Now, C has no reason to want to get between A and B. She's got enough on her plate with her pregnancy which is having problems, and because C is being a total jerk to her in general since he's started doing drugs. It's a twisted story, but I don't want A to get hurt anymore than she already is. She's my best friend. But how do I approach her without it sounding like a bunch of hearsay? She herself has told me of behavior she notices (B will text other girls and then delete them so she can't read them, he's very touchy/feely with other girls when he's been drinking, she saw the texts from New Year's Eve that he sent to one of the girls). I've spoken to my family about this, and my step-dad said if he's doing it now, he's probably been doing it a pretty long time and just now wants to get caught.

I'm really torn as to what to do. Do I keep the information to myself, and see if it either straightens out, do I talk to B and confront him, or do I talk to A and let her make the choice?

 

[3CsMommy]

If you get involved at all, I'd tell A that you've heard stuff through the grapevine about B and you wanted to make sure that 1) she knew about it and 2) she was all right. Stress that you're concerned about her, not the gossip mill, b/c whether it's true or not, half the town talking about you/your cheating so and so of a boyfriend is hurtful, and if she's your friend, your primary concern should be (and obviously is) her well being.

 

[mishellyshel]

not sure what your relationship with B is, but if A was my best friend i would tell her in the most delicate way possible. just keep in mind sometimes when you get involved in these types of situations the relationship between one or all of the parties involved may be strained or cease to exist.
i always try to put myself in the other persons shoes and decide that way.

 

[Ash]

I really don't have a relationship with B anymore. He was a friend of my ex, so that's how A met him. I'm trying to get her to come up here one day this week, because it's definitely not a conversation I want to have via phone. I just don't know how to go about it.

 

[Pandapple]

When it comes to my close friends, I don't word things delicately. Of course, I will be nice about it. I'm pretty straight forward and honest, and I have never had issues with my honesty. In the long run, my friends always thank me for it.

But I will say this: Regardless if B wanted to do "it" or not with any girl, he should still respect A and her feelings. Secrecy is sketchy, and when you sense a bit of secrecy, the trust begins to wither.

If you are in a relationship, it is never okay to do what B is doing. Being drunk is never an excuse. If you can't keep yourself dedicated to one woman/man, then you should not be in a relationship. Of course, I am only 19 years old and am talking based off of my own morals and experiences, so this may or may not be agreeable.

B sounds like a "ladies man". Now, there are two types of ladies men: the men who stop pretending, and the ones who will never change.

I would not talk to B about this, I would go straight to A. A has the right to the information, be it true or not. If I were in this situation, I would want to hear anything people were saying. A best friends opinion is probably worth a lot more than most people think because your best friend will most likely, never say anything to hurt you. Just let A know how you feel about the situation, and go from there.

But B does not sound like a good person to be in a relationship with. It seems like A will get screwed over in one way or another.

 

[Ash]

Oh, I know it's not OK, and she knows that. She's confronted him about it. If it's stopped, I don't know, but it'd be a red flag to me.

 

[Sesame]

This sounds like a sticky situation...

I would definitely find a way to approach the subject with A delicately. If you were to approach B about it and A found out, I feel like it might aggravate the situation even more; A would be even more hurt that you didn't approach her first. This is A's situation and she must make her own choices; As her best friend, let her know that you are concerned about the situation and here for her support.

If A has already noticed B's behavior, she might have a small inkling of what's going on. She may be choosing to ignore it or hasn't found anything else to confirm her suspicions.

Maybe you can use the guise of a Girls Night Out or just let her know you wanna want to catch up in person. If you do decide to approach the topic with A, definitely keep in mind what 3CsMommy and mishellyshel have mentioned.

 

[AZChins]

I don't know. This sounds like something I would just stay out of completely. If these people want to be idiots and sneak around on their boyfriends and girlfriends, there's nothing anyone can do.

I'd ignore it and just stay away. You have two things that could happen if you get involved. 1) Everyone HATES you for butting in. 2) Only one person really hates you for getting involved. If you don't get involved, no one really can blame you. Sometimes it's best to just keep your mouth shut and let people do what they're going to do. Let someone else spill the beans...let them incur all the annoying crap that goes along with outing someone as a cheater. I'm hoping that A really does know what's going on and is ignoring it herself...she has to know, right?

This is your best friend...please think long and hard before you say or do anything at all. Your job is to just be there for her...you don't want to crush her. This could end your friendship if it isn't handled correctly...

 

[Parkerspetchins]

Why would A want to keep B if he is inappropriately texting other girls, regardless if anything else is going on or not? That's just dumb. There are a zillion better boys for her out there than B. Tell her to dump the twit Ash.

 

[Ash]

Honestly, JM, I don't know why she'd want to, except she's scared of feeling like she's wasted all this time with him and scared of being "alone". I really wish I lived closer to her. For the most part, their group of friends makes up her social life, and if she loses him, she'll probably lose them, and just going out in general is going to be very awkward (small town stuff). Hopefully I'm off Sunday and can get her to come up and go out with me and we can talk...

 

[JennyBug]

It sounds to me like A already has an idea about what's going on. If she has found texts that are inappropriate, that should say it all. If you end up getting involved, you might lose your friend (girls are notoriously single-minded when it comes to guys - trust me, I teach the seventh grade!).

I always hate to hear that people are afraid they "wasted time" with another person just because it doesn't work out. In high school, I dated a guy for three years, was engaged to him, and then he cheated. I don't view that three years as a "waste of time", I view it as a learning experience.

If you do decide to talk to her about this, remind her of this: typically, once a cheater, always a cheater. If he's cheating on her now, what makes her think he won't after they're married? after they have kids? Does she really want to doubt her partner in life for the rest of her life? If the people she hangs around are really her friends as well as his, they would side with her or, better yet, stay out of it all together and treat them both the same as before.

 

[VolunteerChin22]

Ive been in this situation and done it both ways -

we had a friend who had this slimy boyfriend that we all dested. We arranged an intervention with the girl he was cheating on her with who told her point blank, "when you thought he was here on this date, he was with me." and "I went to a family dinner with him" while they were dating. She broke up with him but not after a while and has subsequently married him, with a lot of bitten tongues from us. What did I learn from this? People are going to do what they want to do. You can't save them from themselves. We were lucky he didnt turn her against us and she didn't end up hating us.

Other situation was more like this one...Someone my husband was friends with (I was friends with his wife) ended up starting a relationship with a friend of mine while they were still married. I had no idea until about it until friend came to visit and they locked themselves out of my house (mmhmm good one) so then I was put in this really awkward situation about whether or not to tell the wife who was my friend. I ended up choosing to only say something to her if she confronted me about it. Which finally happened and with a lot of tears on both our part I told her everything I knew and could only let an apology for being in such a crappy situation try to smooth it over. What did I learn from this? Thank goodness she forgave me but she was very upset for me not saying anything sooner. I was really burdened by carrying this secret around and it just made our interactions awkward until it was out. She figured it out on her own as women always do.

good luck with whatever road you choose. I guess if you don't have as complicated of a relationship with everyone I would tell A and just let her do with the info whatever she is going to do. After that, you can't really do anything.

 

[Riven]

I would get the other girls together who have been hit on, or have friends etc. who have been subject to B's activity, and take A and just let it out. It will hurt, but it's not your fault.

What would you want to do if it was you in A's place... wouldn't it suck for all your friends to know and not tell you? That kind of puts you on his side, not hers. That's my thoughts, it's not easy, but doing the right thing usually isn't.

If you want really hard evidence, bait him, and get it on video if you can. Find some hot chick he doesn't know you know and ask her to help, find out when he'll be at the bar and have her hit on him big time and let it go for a while, have her ask if he has a gf and find out what he says etc.

Anyone who gets cheated on will be hurt, no matter how they find out...

 

[Ash]

Thanks guys. I'm gonna see if I can get her to come up and just sit down and talk to her. I know D doesn't want me dragging her name into this, but I don't really see any other way. If D weren't so close to popping out a baby, I'd have her come up to talk to Laura with me, too, but 45 min is a bit far for that.

 

[Ziora]

Honestly, JM, I don't know why she'd want to, except she's scared of feeling like she's wasted all this time with him and scared of being "alone". I really wish I lived closer to her. For the most part, their group of friends makes up her social life, and if she loses him, she'll probably lose them, and just going out in general is going to be very awkward (small town stuff). Hopefully I'm off Sunday and can get her to come up and go out with me and we can talk...

From what you said in your original post, A already suspects he is cheating on her. You also said there are drugs and alcohol involved. He can deny things and be convincing because he likely won't remember half the things he did.

You answered the question of why she stays with him. Telling her what you have heard won't improve the situation or make it any clearer for her. The best thing you can do is encourage her to talk to you and I bet if you maneuver the conversation carefully, she will admit she knows he's a loser but feels stuck. Just my very humble opinion Good luck!