Helping a friend after a traumatizing ordeal

[Jeanette]

Hello,

My best friend called me yesterday and told me that her dad had died. He had a heart attack right in front of her. She's pretty upset (understandably). I rented a car and drove an hour to go see her yesterday. I'm taking the week off of school (to go to the funeral, visitation, be there for her) because all I have are essays that are due (I can do them here, at my parents' house).

But my question is,
What can I do for her family? I don't want to send flowers or anything typical like that. I know that just being there for her is more than enough (I dropped EVERYTHING to come and see her... and I'm crazy busy!). But I would like some ideas and I am interested to hear what other people have done for friends and family when they are dealing with the pain of loosing someone.

Thank you,

Jeanette

 

[Parkerspetchins]

Sounds like you are being a great friend just being there for her. Other things that are always helpful are making meals for the family since most people are so bereaved they don't think about it. Other than that just see what they need...I am sorry for your friend's loss...

 

[TillyChinchilla]

I think it would be a great gesture to call and see if you can do anything. Making meals for families is a common thing and definitely helps out - but my grandmother ended up with 30 casserole dishes in her fridge when her husband died - so if they have a lot of close family, they might have everything they need in that department.

 

[starleomach]

All you can do is be there for her.

 

[Sasha]

I agree, you are doing all you can by being there for her.

My heart goes out to your friend and her family. That is just horrible

 

[Laurie]

Jeanette I feel so much for your friend. I can't imagine having that happen, but in an odd sort of way i'm glad she was with him so he wasn't alone when he crossed over. I think by being with her it is the very best thing you can do.
Families are often in shock--there really isn't anything you can so or do--you want to ask how can I help and they want to say, bring my father back. That's just not a possiblity. I know when my sister is sick she thinks she's bad company, but we don't care about anything other than just spending time with her.

Sometimes saying nothing at all, says it's all. A hug is more than a million words put together.

 

[ABBY W.]

I agree, being there for her probably means more than you'll ever know. I find reminiscing on the fun memories helps people with their grief. It reminds them of how blessed they were, and still are, to have those memories to hold onto. To quote my favorite movie, "Steel Magnolias", "laughter through tears is my favorite emotion".
I think for a lot of people, it's hard to imagine moving on and living life again. Just helping them get to the everyday things will help. It makes it easier to see life after grief.

 

[Jeanette]

Families are often in shock--there really isn't anything you can so or do--you want to ask how can I help and they want to say, bring my father back.

She did say that to me. All I could do was hug her!!


I'm trying to think of something special for her though...

 

[tunes]

Wait until a little time has passed before making any big gestures. Then maybe invite her out for a spa day with just the two of you, or something else she would really like to do, leaving the lines of communication open if she just wants to unload.

Other than that, just be around in case the family needs errands run, someone to go get ice for any gatherings after, etc. It's the subtle, small things that really help and that they will remember. Dispense hugs, and tissue, to your friend regularly.

 

[oxchincerelyxo]

3 yrs ago I went through a very hard death in the family. I called my best friend first and she came right over to pick me up. All I remember is her just sitting there letting me cry, letting me be angry, letting me be hurt and letting me remember. Her just being there-not trying to be there but just being there was the best thing that anyone did. Everyone is up in your business when you lose someone-it's an akward situation for them because they feel like they should do something but they really can't do anything. Don't try to hard, just be there for her when ever she needs you. Just having someone to sit next to when you're crying or upset helps a lot. She's going to feel a lot of different things through out this next week. It's hard to take it all in, but makes it easier if there is someone there especially if they make you feel validated for feeling the way you are..


I hope that helps, and my best wishes are going to your freind right now.

 

[Jeanette]

We have been through so much together. It just seems strange that I can't fix things for her, I guess. She's an ECE worker and everyone is encouraging her to go and see/hug her 'babies'... but she's afraid that she wouldn't be able to hold things together. I'm glad that after all of this has passed (although never forgotten), she has a workplace to go to where she loves to go and spend time with the kiddos!

 

[3CsMommy]

I try to pitch in with little things-- wash a load of towels or sheets for the guestroom bed, keep the dishes from stacking up as guests visit, bring in the mail and newspaper-- that get ignored when something so huge is going on.

 

[kendra]

I agree with Peggy, right now big things may just be overwhelming- later on maybe go do some take care of yourself stuff like spa or whatever would be just comforting.

Now let her know you are there! Offer to help out but don't push yourself and wanting to help either, if she says no then it's ok and just let her know the offer is open.

being there is the best thing!

 

[eroomlorac]

All very good advice. Just keep the house running smoothly while the family grieves and visits with family. I am so sorry she had to witness her father's fatal heart attack. How traumatic for her. Maybe a couple counseling sessions might be needed in the future. Time will tell.

 

[Jeanette]

I figured out what I am going to do for her!

I want to get a white gold locket so that she can keep a photo of her dad close to her heart. I had a dream where she was crying and said that she had lost her necklace. The next morning I woke up and was driving to the funeral, thinking about the dream, when it occurred to me.

 

[Sandi]

The locket is a beautiful gesture, but what your friend will treasure most is you being there for her.

 

[oxchincerelyxo]

I figured out what I am going to do for her!

I want to get a white gold locket so that she can keep a photo of her dad close to her heart. I had a dream where she was crying and said that she had lost her necklace. The next morning I woke up and was driving to the funeral, thinking about the dream, when it occurred to me.

I think that is a great idea...:kiss: