Depression hurt

[meiying]

Well... I dont know what to do and i am lost.
My boyfriend of almost 3 years, told me that he is depressed 5 days ago... I never knew.... It has been very tough for me because he took off right after he told me that he is depressed. We have been living together the whole time , months after we started dating, i found a litlle jar of pills in his house, i was curious because the name of the medicine was very long.... anyway I found that it was antidepresants.. I was very shock and i was scared because at about the same time, he displayed symptoms of depression e.g. very quiet, irritable, shut down... i had my suspicion but i never asked him, after all, he was back to his normal self after a couple of days.

He always has a hard time falling asleep, so when i asked him, he would say he was just tired, had a rough night or too tired after work...and i trusted him... Now he works out of town for 3 weeks and comes home for 2 weeks, he works about 12 hours a day and is on night shift... money is good but i thinkit has been taking a toll on him and on me. Usually he is happy to be home after 3 weeks of work but this time, he came home, he just shut down... not willing to talk, not interested in anything, he told me he was very tired and i understood... One day i couldnt take it anymore, i left the house to have a walk without telling him(while he was out) I was upset that he was being so quiet and not communicating with me. I cried and cried. He texted me, asked me where i was and asked if i needed him to come and pick me up. I texted him that he had been very quiet and i thought it was my fault. He texted me back and said "None of this is your fault". I was relief but i was still upset because i didnt know what was going on....I came home and i sat at the table, he sat on the couch, he told me he had transferred money to me (for my monthly expenses because i am not working, we are working on getting a spousal visa), i didnt response, and he started to apologize to me "Sorry , I have been treating you like ****s" I was shocked and i went over and asked him why he was upset, why he was quiet, he started to tell me that he was depressed, he was unhappy about everything right now, he said he was unhappy and took it all on me. I asked "I thought you liked your job?", he said he did but the company wants him to relocate.... and i asked if he was unhappy about everything, does it include being with me, i asked "So you dont want me anymore?" he said "No it is not like that". He said while he was working in Alberta, he was surrounded by people, when he is home, he feels so isolated.... I dont understand, i am always here with him... He said he wasnt happy when he was home. He said we should have stayed in Alberta (we were there for almost 1 year before we moved back to BC) I dont understand because we both love to live in BC. He said he never wanted to communicate with me while he is away at workbecause it would remind him whats happening here back home. Again, i dont understand it because I usually dont have bad news to tell him about things here at home.

Minutes after he told me all these, he said he needed to go away by himself for a few days just to think through everything. He took off.

I havent talked to him much at all in these several days, i feel so lonely, frustrated, worried, angry... I feel like I cant help him, i feel like he is not communicating with me, i feel that he is so shut down, i feel like our relationship will not survive... I feel so guilty that I never knew that he was depressed for so many years I feel like it is part of my fault. I want to help but he is not letting me.

But, i am glad that he told me, I know it must have been hard for him to tell me or anyone that he is suffering from depression. I just want to help .

For so long that I have seen commercials about deression.ca, the slogan is "Depression hurts, but you dont have to" .... and i want to stand by him and help, but how????? I am hurt.

 

[Dreamlite]

I have manic depression and I know it hurts my boyfriend a lot. My parent were huge into 'natural' and anti doctor so I went un diagnosed for about 10 years. If it wasn't for my current boyfriend I doubt I would have never had the guts to go to a doctor and figure out what was wrong. I understand how you feel with him. If I didn't have my chins to come home to I probably wouldn't come home, just get in my car and leave. Deression makes it difficult to care about anything and the more you do care the harder you fall. After almost 4 yrs with my boyfriend we aren't engaged and it bugs me horribly cause I'm forever blaming me for not being good enough and stuff. Every single thing that goes wrong (sun doesn't shine, stuck in traffic, phone don't work...) with depression its always my fault or something I've done wrong and I shut down. Its easier not to have any feelings than to try to express them and feel. It I get too overwhelmed I have been self distructive, and that's never pretty. All I can suggest is to be suportive as you can and find a creative way to express emotions. I can write everything down and let it go but when it comes to face to face I shut down entirely and can't speak. Just take the time and ask what he needs. Different forms of depression need different types of emotional suport. For me on bad days I make sure I'm not alone, just having someone around keeps me out of trouble. Other days I go hide to be alone and cry and then come back, and as long as I tell everyone they let me do what I have to to deal with it (minus the self hurting). All. I can say is good luck. This is not a easy thing to manage and it doesn't ever go away, but if yous are ment to be things will find a way to work out.

 

[Riven]

If you want to save your relationship you need to both agree on a place and be together. He is living two lives and that doesn't allow him to live a life at all. I know all of this from personal experience with my husband, he became depressed and an alcoholic. He's now been clean for almost 1 year and working back at home.

The biggest worry for you is the fact he hid it from you even though he knew. This is a sign of poor communication in your relationship and it needs to be corrected ASAP.

I know this might be hard to understand but you can't be his everything. Everyone needs friends and other resources, even if you're there it's not enough, the Beatles lied, love is not all you need. Think about any times that you called a friend to talk about something bothering you, needed a "girls day out", or even right now you are here. He needs that too. It's nothing wrong with you, it's just a healthy way.

I would guess there are some other underlying causes he's not fessing up to, simply because he knew enough to go to the doctor to get meds, but didn't tell you. I have two pieces of advice for you right now.

Number one... take care of yourself. No matter how hard it may seem you are always with you, no matter what happens.

Number two... tell him that you care, tell him you don't understand, tell him you'll listen, tell him you can work on things, and tell him you can go to joint counseling if he'll go, but only tell him what's true. Don't make promises you can't keep. Listen. Listen. Listen.

Don't smother him, but remind him that you're there and you want to work on this. Try to be strong, you being upset is making things harder for him. Things will need to change for you guys to get this back, but it can be done. Individual and joint counseling is your best bet.

 

[Raindog]

I suffer from depression too. It is hard. Dreamlite pretty much sums it up. Like Riven said, individual and joint counseling is a must. You should do individual counseling too or look for a support group for families of people with metal illness, it will help you understand more about what is going on and how to help him.

Riven told you some great stuff to say. Don't say things like, It's all in your head, look on the bright side, so many people have it so much worse than you etc.

If it is hard for you guys to communicate (it is very hard for me to communicate), try writing letters. If there is something hard for me to say to my partner I write it down and email it to him. I would do it that way if we are sitting in the same room. Take your time. Think about it and reread it.

Know that there is no quick fix and he did not choose to be this way. It is not his fault and it is not your fault.

Here is a quick little article about helping a depressed person http://www.helpguide.org/mental/living_depressed_person.htm

 

[meiying]

Deression makes it difficult to care about anything and the more you do care the harder you fall. Its easier not to have any feelings than to try to express them and feel. .

Hi Dreamlite, thank you very much forsharing your story, I really appreciate that . I think one of the reasons that makes me sad is the fact that he confessed and apologized said "I am sorry that I have been treating you like sh*ts/garbage and it is not fair, you dont deserve this". What I got from the message is that he does feel guilty and he cares. According to what you said, he must be trying to pull away from me , so he wont feel as guilty thats why he took off?

Thank you very much Riven for being open about your experience,

The biggest worry for you is the fact he hid it from you even though he knew. This is a sign of poor communication in your relationship and it needs to be corrected ASAP. .

Yes, I agree 110%. I always want to communicate with him more, I thought it was just his personality. Being a quiet person (kinda) myself, i think it makes it even harder to open him up. I actually told him about most of my feelings except for the things that I thought might bother/upset him, something that he would not like to hear, if you know what i mean.

Hello Raindog, thank you so much for your suggestion too, I appreciate that.

Don't say things like, It's all in your head, look on the bright side, so many people have it so much worse than you etc.

I actually have had minor depression too few times while i was in a bad relationship and was working overseas, so I know it is not "in your head" and i know by just saying "look on the bright side", "it will be okay" etc because i know it is very real and those sayings do not help. I actually got very upset when i called my cousin (she is like my big sister, we grew up together in her home) long distance and she didnt understand depression, and she was saying something like "Tell him to think on the bright side", "what? depression? no way" , and i got mad because she didnt understand and not being very supportive, i thought she was heartless.... and after 3 mins of long distance call i had to end the call.... she said on my FB afterwards that it wasnt that she didnt want to hear from me, it was just i did not want to hear, i only wanted to hear what i wanted to hear, and to be honest, i knew she wouldnt help professionally, i just wanted her to listen.

My bf went to his cabin by himself for 2 days, now he is spending time with his family, and meet up with friends, he told me he felt okay now, so whever we talked on the phone (very briefly) or texted, I had been positive, tried to be calm and caring as possible. I have read that some people who suffered from depression do not want sympathy, so I have been trying not to be like that.... I have been thinking what would be the best way to talk to him when he gets home, i dont want to be like "honey, we need to talk" , "I know you are depressed, lets talk about it" , "what is the problem, can you tell me all about your worries?" I know we do need professional help, and if he is willing to, I am more than willing to go with him.

 

[Dreamlite]

I'm not afraid to tell people about my depression but I hate when people use it as a excuse to not take my emotions as seriously. If I'm upset don't blow it off and say 'its just your depression talkingi... just makes things way worse. I have said and done a lot of things over the years I regret due to it, but my boyfriend and grandparents have always understood I don't mean what I say/do in those moments and are there to help pick up the pieces afterwards. The self hatred I think is the worst. Feeling not good enough, or the cause of everything bad (even in situations there is no way I've affected). I love my boyfriend and would love to get married but with that amount of emotional investment make 'being good enough' that much harder ever single day. Your boyfriend may feel similar. He wants to be a better boyfriend but the emotional investment and the risk of failing would make me hessitant to the point I've run away when I know my boyfriendhas the ring with him. Its definetly something yous need to discuss. Explaining why I do what I do after each time has helped everyone to better predict my moods and help make them less severe.

 

[meiying]

Your boyfriend may feel similar. He wants to be a better boyfriend but the emotional investment and the risk of failing would make me hessitant to the point I've run away when I know my boyfriendhas the ring with him. .

Dreamlite, thank you again for your reply. I feel very quilty that I did not ask him about the cipralex that I found shortly after we started dating. I thought it was for his sleeping disorder, and that was 3 years ago.

I hope he will open up to me, I LOVE to talk to him. Some people said it might be a good sign that he eventually told me that he s suffering from depression. I am just afraid that he will fall back to his "routine" (p.s. his old self again,then all the sudden he shuts down, then after a few days or a week/weeks, he is back to his old self again), andacts like nothing is bothering him.

I am looking around for theraphist now, just not sure if he is willing to go.

 

[Riven]

The best way to approach is it with something like, "Would you like to talk about the things that have been bothering you? I'd really like that." It gives him the option, it's not placing blame, and it's saying that you want to talk about it.

Remember that he may be embarrassed about it and worry that it will affect the way YOU see HIM. Sounds like you're doing good and keeping things positive, remember take a bit of time for yourself, relax, meditate, pedicure... whatever will give you a bit of time to yourself and help you get a boost back.

Our psych. always told us if you don't have anything to give, it's not going to work, and when you don't have anything to give you need to take a break and take care of yourself so you can "refill". I think this is so true.

Be in it together, use words like us, and we. We can work through this, this will be good for us, etc. If you feel like he's falling back into his old ways, let him know. If you get to talking ask him how he wants you to let him know, simply tell him something like, I'm a little worried about us right now, I feel like we're kind of moving apart.

Even if he won't go, you can still go to counseling. It will help you cope, and learn how to deal with him and support him.

Good luck! It can be a long road, but the results can be very worth it.

 

[meiying]

.

Our psych. always told us if you don't have anything to give, it's not going to work, and when you don't have anything to give you need to take a break and take care of yourself so you can "refill". I think this is so true.

Riven, thank you again. What you mentioned maybe exactly what my boyfriend is doing. I have been doing yoga (I am a yoga teacher myself) and talking to friends (long-distance calls lol). The other day i was at yoga, i told my friends how much i wish i could convince my bf to do yoga again... Anyway, he texted me today and said he will be coming home tomorrow and heres what he texted "I've needed these past few days to think things through. We will talk about everything when i get home tomorrow. I should be on the 5pm ferry" . Maybe i am getting paranoid, i am starting to have this fear in me that I am afraid what we are going to discuss will be too overwhelming. Even though he said before "None is your fault, Mei", i still feel like i might have something to do with it. Yea, i am insecure. I am worried that our relationship will not survived. You know how i feel now? I feel like digging a hole and hide. This feeling sucks

 

[Riven]

The first thing you learn in mental health is that you can not make other people do things, their actions are none but their own. If you consider this I think it will be helpful to you. For example if I ask a person if they are suicidal, it is not going to make them say, hey maybe I should be suicidal. Their thoughts are their own, either they are there or they are not.

Use your yoga to help you through this, keep your breathing techniques at hand.

His message sounds considerate, he said "when I get home"... keyword is home. He tells you what ferry he should be on so you know when to expect him. Take the conversation one step at a time. If you become overwhelmed LET HIM KNOW! Don't just sit there while it all blurs together, tell him you need a quick break, that this is a lot of new information for you, go get a drink, go wash your face, go scream in a pillow, whatever you need to do to take a minute and get back to what you're working on.

Sometimes it helps to write yourself a plan, write questions you want to talk about or ask, write down things he says so you can review them later if you wish.

Step back and read his message from another view if you can, he says, "WE will TALK about everything when I get HOME" A lot of good words in there, it doesn't say "I'll tell you what's going on when I see you next" And you know what... feel free to let him know how you feel, tell him something like, "I can' wait until you get back, I hope everything is going to be okay, and I'm confused and overwhelmed right now so I'm so glad we are going to talk about thing when you get home." Simple, yet effective in letting him know what you are feeling. I think that you really understand that he doesn't want to have to come home to you crying or freaking out, and I think you're really trying to stay on top of things and keep calm. I understand it's hard, I really, really do. You are doing a great job.

 

[Lynn & The Chins]

GREAT advice, Nicole!!! :clap:

Hang in there, Meiying!!!

 

[meiying]

GREAT advice, Nicole!!! :clap:

Hang in there, Meiying!!!

Thank you Lynn!!!:hug2:

 

[ChinChiq]

I just saw this thread and wanted to say that I hope things are getting better. I too have suffered from depression, and I agree completely with the advice you have been given here already. For me, it was a huge step to admit to myself and those who I love that I was depressed. Having them listen, truly listen, without trying to "fix" me was what I needed. By saying things out loud, I was able to process them better. Support from my friends and family, along with therapy, was what got me back to feeling like me again.

I still feel myself slipping backward once in a while. When that happens, I talk to someone...my husband, a friend, someone who I know will give me the support I need, without analyzing what I am saying.

It sounds like you are 100% committed to your boyfriend, and that you are on the right track to helping him. I wish you luck and commend you for working with him.

 

[meiying]

Hi Chinchiq,

After weeks of guessing and thinking, I need to accept the fact that my depressed boyfriend will not recovered for a while. I have tried several times to talk to him for the past 8 weeks and I came to realized tonight that I am not responsible for his happiness, I need to accept his decision to split up with me. If staying by his side means that it makes him feel worse about himself, there is no need for me to stay. I also come to realized that sometimes love is not enough in depression, only therapy and medication will be helpful. I tried very hard to stay but if he has decided to go, there is nothing much I could do.

But the good news is, I have decided to keep my 2 chinchillas and 2 guinea pigs!!! I will try my dang best to keep them while I am looking for jobs in Canada. It is not going to be easy but I know it can be done.

Thank you all, I know it is not a happy ending but it is for my animals.

 

[Raindog]

I am sorry to hear that but I think you did the right thing. You have to take care of you first and you are right, sometime the best thing you can do is walk away and who knows what the future holds. Glad you are keeping your animals. they will be a great comfort. And although it is an end, it is not the end.

:hug: