Alone now, after 9 years together and a wedding in the making

[FiaSpice]

About 2 weeks ago, my boyfriend of almost 9 years decided it was over for good. It was like a ton of brick falling on my head. Just couple days before, we were still discussing about the wedding, the rings we would buy, the people we would invite.... The church was already booked (by him) for 2010. He was so exited by the wedding... I can believe he just talk to a friend, then realise he wasn't happy since a long time and that I might not be the person that fits him. He was also starting a therapy to fix some things, maybe that could ha affected him, who knows. But now I'm in pieces, I lost the man of my life, the future father of my kids and my best friend. That's so hard to deal with, I feel like 10X more in love with him. He was my first and only boyfriend, it's hard to imagine starting over with someone else after all these years. Mind you, not much 24-year old girl only ever had one boyfriend. It's so hard getting over him :cry4:

 

[oxchincerelyxo]

take a breath and focus on yourself for a while. You've only been with one person-that leaves a lot of experiences untouched. Don't look at it as a totally bad thing, a lot of good can come from reevaluating your life and finding out who you really are and what that means

It get's easier I promise! Just take it easy: one day at a time:thumbsup:

 

[alli713]

wow, that's tough. I'd have to say that perhaps he just needs some time to think about his life, as getting married is a big step and maybe he's scared. But of course he could have just changed his mind too.

I know it seems hard now, but in the end everything happens for a reason. Just hang in there and try to do some fun things to take your mind off of it.

 

[Dolyphinm]

He might have just gotten cold feet so he ran off in a way.

You do have every right to cry until you can't cry no more though. Play with your babies, they will help heal you.

Take the time to sit back and think about something you like to do alone. Like I write poems. I think they are crap and let no one read them really, but for me the relieve a lot of stress.

 

[Parkerspetchins]

I am so sorry. All I can say is that you need to find comfort in friends and family and try to do things that make you happy. Time heals. Hugs and wishes for time to fly by for you.

 

[keninphilly]

He might have just gotten cold feet so he ran off in a way.

I will have to agree. This sounds like a severe case of cold feet. He is excited about this and then his "friend" starts putting doubts in his head. He freaks out and takes extreme measures.

Have you had any communication with him in the last couple of weeks??

The best thing (and, honestly, the hardest) is to take care of yourself and wait. If it is a case of cold feet and he really wants to be with you the calls and emails will start. "are you OK?", "I think we need to talk", I am worried about you", "I miss you". Ignore him completely and if he starts initiating any form of communication then he still cares, there is just something that is freaking him out.

 

[eroomlorac]

Better he do it now than AFTER a marriage. Take care of yourself.

 

[Laurie]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Right now there is really nothing you can hear that will make you feel better. I know this is hard on you as he is your first and only boyfriend, but at 24 you are still so young with limitless possiblities ahead of you. I know you love him and if he decides to come back to you I would caution you to go to counseling together before accepting him back into your life.
Take some time to yourself, spend time with friends and in time you will get over this, I promise you!

 

[Cinder and Me]

I'm so sorry this happened. I've been with my bf for over 6 years and the thought of us breaking up is frightening. I have to agree that I'm glad he did this before the wedding, and not after. Did he give any reasoning that seemed reasonable?

 

[Catherine&Kuma]

I'm very sorry this happened. My fiance and I have been together for almost 9 years too (engaged for 6 months), and I am also 24, so I know exactly what it is like to have been with one person for pretty much your whole life. That sounds so terrible and I can't imagine what you are going through.

It does sound like maybe he is feeling a bit nervous about the wedding. I think you should try and talk to him about it, don't accuse him of anything, just try to find out where he is coming from. 9 years is a long time to be together, and unless things had been in trouble for a bit, I can't imagine it suddenly being over between you.

Definitely look for support with your girlfriends and family though... sometimes it helps to talk to someone who really knows you and your situation, the history of your relationship, etc.

Good luck!!

 

[Melissa]

I would think if he had cold feet that he would put off the wedding or cancel it for the time being not completely leave you. Maybe he thought this would be better for the both of you.

Get some Ben & Jerry's IceCream and cry your little heart out. It help with the healing.

 

[Twilight Chinchillas]

I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine having that much history, making plans and having my significant other backing out. It's not easy to look threw rose colored glasses now, but your better off IMO. Once you were married who's to say he wouldn't have run then, when things got bad or stressful, as most know happens in the best of marriages.

 

[FiaSpice]

thanks everyone for the nice words.
I don't think he ran away scared. We still talk and he told me he would have loved to marry me and that he cried his eyes out when she stumbled on a wedding ring picture on his computer. He told me he wanted to buy it this month when his student load would came.

He just said he was not happy of our relation anymore since a long time. But I can imagine a sudden decision. I know I've stopped him doing certains things (big uge Lord of the ring bicep tatoo, going back to university full time and doing a master; that mean 4-5 years of school still and getting a car all tricked out) and I guess that it affected him.

The ironic things, the 2 guys he talked with saying "well if you're not happy with your girlfriend, leave her" they are still with their girlfriend.

Now he's doing all those things, like a 40-something guy that just divorced. I think he feels like 20 again. But he told me most of his friends says he's ran back to me, but he seems to say no. I try not to think about is cause I don't want to be decieved.

Now I have to call my grandma and tell her about it (she constantly inquire my mother about us) and when we split the first time, she didn't have any nice words to say (even if she's the nicest person in the wolrd)

Catherine&Kuma, that's nice to see someone thad a similar expenrience. All the people I know that have been with their partner for 8-9-10 years are way older than me and don't really understand.

 

[Courtney]

I'm sorry for my insensitivity, but why would you discourage him from returning to school to achieve his Masters?

 

[FiaSpice]

I'm sorry for my insensitivity, but why would you discourage him from returning to school to achieve his Masters?

I had nothing about going to night class once or twice, but he wants to be full time. I wanted to buy a house, have a nice wedding and having children. With only my salary and studen loan (witch would top off some days, he spends so much years in school) we couldn't acheive anything. I work full time since 2004 and I wanted to move on in life and I wanted him to work (he only worked like a 6-8 months before he had his accident witch cause him to go back to school). The strange thing his he was the first who wanted to have kids before 30 and I did (like 27-28 I tought). I guess it won't be that way now.

The most weird thing is that, I always said right now I'm not ready for babies, but I got "scared" I might be pregnant but then I kinda hoped it would have been positive. I came negative but I told him about it and said he would have stayed, that made my heart broke. He also said, while talking about money, "oh well, let's just get back together, like before and money won't be the problem" I was exited for a second until he told me it was :Sarcasmd::tissue:

 

[Diva Chins]

The most weird thing is that, I always said right now I'm not ready for babies, but I got "scared" I might be pregnant but then I kinda hoped it would have been positive. I came negative but I told him about it and said he would have stayed, that made my heart broke. He also said, while talking about money, "oh well, let's just get back together, like before and money won't be the problem" I was exited for a second until he told me it was :Sarcasmd::tissue:

That was mean of him to do...I can't imagine someone doing that to me, that's VERY hurtful. If you had been pregnant and he would have stayed, if he waas so miserable before, he'd have been miserable and you don't want to trap someone like that. I've had people think that if they could talk me into having a child and actually succeed in doing so that it'd break my spirit and I'd stay regardless of my happiness. My happiness will always come first, and yours should too. I love James to death, but that's something that makes us so compatible, I don't want a child of my own now, maybe ever and he already has a daughter so he doesn't want another child now, maybe ever again.
Take care of yourself first, if it wasn't meant to be then there's nothing you can do to change it. Maybe you should take a break from speaking to him just to get your thoughts in order, to re-evaluate yourself and where you want to go in life. Heck, who knows, maybe in a few months if you decide to date again and you go on a date, he might realize when someone else wants what he had that he really does want it. (That's not me saying jump the mourning boat and hop right into happyville, it'll take time.) I think my little rant is over...But good luck, be careful, take care of yourself. You have all your friends on CnH who care.

 

[JennyBug]

I'm so sorry this happened to you, but look at it this way:
Would you rather have found this out now, or after the nice wedding, nice house, and children? I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I remember how horrible it feels to have your heart broken by someone that you love more than anyone else in the world. Keep your head up, stay busy, spend time with friends, family, and pets, and you'll get through this.
Tiffany is right, your happiness and health should be the most important thing to you right now. You now have time to grow and develop yourself, and you might learn things that help you understand why this wasn't meant to be.

I can't remember how many times my mother told me this after my first fiance and I broke up, but I still think about it to this day: "No man is worth your tears, and the one who is will never make you cry."

Take care of yourself.

 

[VolunteerChin22]

I am sorry you are very upset about this. Have you thought about the posibility there could be someone else that he met or has been involved with? I have had friends whose bfs suddenly up and broke it off and it was to do with another woman. Just a possibility.

If you all have been together for 9 years that means you started dating at 15 (I don't know how old he is) and wow do two people change from 15 to 24. I can't imagine being married to my high school bf now, eeech.

You are young. Focus on yourself and what you have learned out of this situation to move forward. It is definately a blessing to have had this happen before the wedding and children.

 

[Diva Chins]

I can't imagine being married to my high school bf now, eeech.

Oh man, that is so true. 99% of the guys I dated in high school just make me cringe now.

 

[FiaSpice]

I do try to take care of myself, I just got a new haircut and I just love it. I try no to let myself go, I get some make up on and makes me feel fine (I don't usually wear make-up). It's true there's a lot of CnH people here that care, it's nice since I don't have really much "real" friend. I'm a shy person and I've been bullied trough primary and high school so I never made a lot of friend...and it's still hard today. I plan on moving to a city that has a lot more activities and subscribe to some that fits my interest.


I know he hasn't met anywone. He swore it on our chinnie and hedgie's tail (he never lies on this) and I believe him. He never did anything with another woman...we even get "intimate" again and I know I shouldn't let this allowed and it'll break my heart.

Yes I was 15 when we got together, he just turned 16. Actually, our 9th aniversery would have been Wednesday, witch hurts a lot. Thank go my parent knew and invited me for dinner. I know people change between those years. I somethimes feel that he didn't mature as fast as I did. He wants to be in school, have fun spending money in stupid things (like "pimping" our car or his bike), but I tought I would make him some to sense as always. He was (still) a impulsive guy and didn't think much before doing anything (Everyone was pretty sure he has ADD).