A Break-Up

[sheena lee]

Recently, my long-term boyfriend and I broke up. We had been together nearly 7 years, and had been living together for 6 years. Even though the choice was mine (I had been interested in someone else for some time... really long story that paints a really bad picture of me), I've found the adjustment really hard. I feel guilty and sad but also free and relieved at the same time. This was my first relationship (so also my first break up), one I had expected would lead to marriage and a house and kids. Even though I chose to break up, it's hard to part with that dream. Not that I'm saying it will never happen, but it was somewhat certain in our minds, until I realised that he wasn't The One (does such a thing exist?) for me. I still find it difficult to not say goodnight to him, or ask how he's been, even though I hadn't been really in the relationship for a couple of months prior to the split, I still care deeply about him. But again this was MY CHOICE... so I don't know what I am allowed/have the right to/should feel..

Anyone been through a similar situation? Any advice to offer?

The hardest part is that I'm living back home, out of the city, and without my chinchillas. I miss them SO much, but my parents home just isn't an ideal place for them. I do have an apartment that I'm moving into at the end of this month, and I know my ex will take good care of the chinchillas for me until they can come live with me... but that doesn't make it easy. I'm afraid they'll forget who I am

 

[Lirana]

Long relationships are hard to get over. I broke up with my ex-bf 3 yrs ago. We were together for just over 9 years. My situation sounds a bit similar to yours. I pretty much started dating my current bf the minute I broke up with my ex. It was my choice to break up with him. I still think of him every day. He wasn't a bad guy. I was mostly tired of waiting. 9 years together and we didn't seem any closer to marriage/kids than the day we got together.

Like I said, he wasn't a bad guy. And that makes it harder I think. My first ex-bf and I broke up after 4 years and that was a relief. I had nightmares about him wanting to get back together with me. With my last bf, it's much different. My dreams about him consist of him finally proposing to me, and I'm devastated that he's asked me after I'm with someone else.

I miss our "what if" life. I'm sure I annoy the crap out of my current bf cause I still talk about it a lot. I can't help it though. There were 9 years of my life that were "us." I don't really have "me" stories.

Time will help, but for me it's been a long time. The first 2 years after our breakup, I would think about him all the time. Holidays and our no-longer-anniversary were really difficult. This year was the first time that our anniversary passed and I didn't realize it until a few days after. This made me sad and happy at the same time.

The road ahead is probably not going to be an easy one. You'll most likely have "I made a huge mistake" moments. I had some. They lasted anywhere from a few hours to a few days. You just have to stay strong. And remember that your feelings are your feelings. You can't help how you feel. Any feeling you have is legitimate.

 

[Pikaia]

I can relate to how you're feeling too. My ex fiance and I broke up after 5 years together. We were not romantically compatible and towards the last few years we were basically roommates and best friends if that makes sense. He just couldn't take it, he needed to feel like he was loved and desired, which I can understand. He broke up with me and that wasn't an easy pill to swallow. I knew it was bound to happen, but I didn't want to be the one initiating it, you know? When you are with someone for so long, you get comfortable and change is scary. You know that person inside and out and they know you. It's easier to just stay and put up with it.

Since you broke up with him and have interests in someone else, you did the right thing. You will know when you are happy. It won't be easy. It never is. This is going to be a great experience for you. Everyone needs to experience a little loneliness, heartbreak and moving in a new direction. It's healthy for you. Just take comfort in knowing you are gonna come out and be a better person because of this. I know I did. It took me months to get through it. I didn't start dating until almost 6 months after we broke up. I have been with an amazing man for 8 months now and he makes me feel so happy everyday. I'm so glad I had the courage to move on. It's the best thing I ever did!

You have the right to feel anything, so don't let yourself feel guilty! I wish you the best and hope you get your chinchillas back as soon as possible!

 

[sheena lee]

Thanks SO much for your responses. It makes me feel like I'll be okay eventually.

My situation is very similar to yours, Lirana. I started seeing the 'someone else' right after I broke up with my ex... And my ex is not a bad guy either, but things were SO stagnant that after 6 years we were in the same place as we were 5 years ago.. I was tired of it, and becoming interested in someone else (and feeling desirable to someone else) wasn't the primary reason I broke up with him, it did kind of show me that I could have a different life, so I chose to explore that. We had been together since I was 20 after all, I'm not the same person I was when I was 20.. I needed to change my surroundings to fit the kind of person I am now.. An independent 26-year old University graduate working in my field... Not a girl living in an apartment with her boyfriend and his mother, waiting for him to pay off his debts before starting "our" life...

Feeling lonely feels okay right now.. I feel excited about the future, I just started a new job and I went to see the apartment I'm moving into with a friend, and I loooove it... Things are looking up, I just feel sad that I've broken the heart of a man I do care a lot about... I guess that's just life, eh?

 

[Lirana]

Not a girl living in an apartment with her boyfriend and his mother, waiting for him to pay off his debts before starting "our" life...

Oh man, I didn't even mention that! We lived with his parents for probably 6 of the 9 years we were together. It ticked me off to no end when 5 or 6 months after we broke up he started renting a house. Really? REALLY??? :banghead:

And like I said, it won't be easy. But you'll be fine, and so will he.

:hug4:

 

[sheena lee]

Oh man, I didn't even mention that! We lived with his parents for probably 6 of the 9 years we were together. It ticked me off to no end when 5 or 6 months after we broke up he started renting a house. Really? REALLY??? :banghead:

Guys seem to get so comfortable living at home... Ugh. My ex is starting to look into renting a really big apartment now too.. Maybe it's payback, I don't know. Men!!

Thanks for your support, your story mirrors mine so much, makes me feel better knowing someone else out there has felt the same way.

 

[Dreamlite]

I'm kinda at the point right before the break up. I've been with my man for 3.5 yrs, had my own apt for over 2 yrs and he still doesn't feel comfortable moving in with me. He stays 3 nights a week with me. There is no talk of marriage, kids or anything future. I kinda knew he had issues with commitment which is why I was ok with not getting engaged but I feel that expecting him to live with me and help with rent after 3 yrs isn't that big a deal. He doesn't have his own place, so the nights he's not with me he stays at the ambulance or fire hall where he volunteers. We are no closer to anything than when he helped me move out 2.5 yrs ago and I'm extremely frustrated. I do love him but its causing doubts as to how long to wait. I'm only 23 and this is my second long relationship. It took my almost a yr to get over my high school crush (together 4 yrs). I wish you luck. Its not a easy road, but with time you can see the full picture.

 

[kvatore]

The situation you described sounds almost identical to what I went through about 5 months ago. The difference was that I was with him 3 years as opposed to 7. We almost moved in together and I started to realize that it wasn't going to happen. I had all these hopes and aspirations of what my future would hold with him and I chose to end it because I realized he wasn't good for me. I'll be honest in saying that I was miserable and wanted to take back everything I had done and said. Being friends with him was painful so I had to end that as well. It was really until I met someone else that there was this "Ah ha" moment when I realized that the grass is greener on the other side. Not that I anticipated that happening so soon. The guy I'm with now kinda just popped up and we started talking and realized we had a lot in common. It's made me realize that there are men out there who will give me the love and respect that I deserve.

That all being said though, find a hobby or do something that makes you happy and keeps your mind busy. That will help a whole lot. I hope you pull through this and become stronger from this experience

 

[6Dusters]

A thousand years ago I was in a relationship and living with the person for 6years. Several years into the relationship he gave me an engagement ring and said he wasn't ready to marry just yet as he needed time before marrying again.

He had been married before at a very young age because his girlfriend became pregnant. Oh gosh! What a huge suprise that didn't work out! :SarcasmA:

Our engagement was lingering too long and I brought up the subject one day. I didn't like the response to my answer and shortly afterwards moved out. Well that was a huge shock to him and he did ask me to return to the relationship. I did not.
I will admit it was a horrible time to go through. We did manage to remain friends. Talking and helping each other out when needed.

I gave myself time to adjust. Had horrible dates and good dates in between. No mister right. Then I met a super nice guy and he asked me to marry him. I was 31 when I married. This year will be our 20th anniversary. :high5:

I think the most painful thing after the split was someone telling me that I was never going to find a man because my expectations were set too high. I stuck to my principles and I did find that person. Is he perfect? No. But neither am I.

 

[boardinggamer]

I don't know if this will be much help, but I always tell myself 1 thing when I lose something/someone:
Sometimes you need to lose something good to make room for something better.

Thinking like that has gotten me through a few things (although never a long term relationship since I never had one)

Everything will turn out ok in time. I learned that too.

 

[Tillygizmo]

I am literally crying reading this thread. I just moved into a new apartment this week wth my chins after ending (somewhat mutually) a relationship with my girlfriend of 5 years. I am still hysterical sometimes. I feel heartbroken at some points and independant and stable at others. WHen I am not feeling well, I wonder if I will ever get over her. I still love her completely and unconditionally. We were on and off because she just wasnt passionate anymore and she stopped wanting to get married to me..which I wanted. I could negotiate on having kids, but I wanted commitment. I know it was the right decision for the most part. I want to be with someone who wants to settle in with me at night and watch tv and relax. She wants to go out and drink a lot and not come home until the early morning. She wasnt that way for a long time... but then she met someone new who she has moved on with. I am still trying to be okay...its really really hard. I miss her and i love her so much and wish I just settled with her and stayed because I miss her so much... tearing my hair out

 

[Pikaia]

Aww Samantha. *Hugs* Breaking up is so hard, you will go through those stages, where you feel fine one minute and just devastated the next. Keep your chin up- it will get better. Keep yourself busy (maybe start a new hobby just for yourself), lean on your friends for support and hang out with them a lot. I know my two best friends were a huge help when I went through my break up. Family can even be a big comfort. I was with my fiance for 5 years and it took me about six months to really get over it. It will be a process, but allow yourself to feel everything.

One point that helped me: You were fine before you met this person and you will be fine after. I know that sounds kinda harsh, but it is true. You will get through it and be a stronger, healthier person because of it. You WILL love again and it will be wonderful Just give yourself enough time to truly heal. Many people jump into relationships too quickly because they are lonely/desperate and never heal.

Also another tip: You said your ex has moved on, so this might not apply. Don't drag things on with your ex. Make a clean break. If you want to be friends, that's fine. However, you can't be friends right after you break up with someone. Both parties need time to heal and regroup before you can be friends. Sometimes you never can. My ex fiance and I were trying to be friends and hanging out. This made things so much worse. We ended up in arguments about the relationship and neither of us could heal. I ended up telling him that we couldn't talk anymore- it was just too painful and there wasn't any reason for it. We have both moved on with our lives and I don't see us talking again. It's just the way it is.

Don't ever settle! You deserve someone that treats you right, wants to be with you and makes you happy!

Keep your head up girl!

 

[Tillygizmo]

What are your opinions about relationships afterward? I have a close friend who has shown an interest since my ex and I broke up and hes wonderful and shows me that he cares and treats me very well...but I am unsure and he says if I cant be with him...because of his feeliongs he will have to not be in my life. I am torn.