The art of being a good friend/neighbor

[Riven]

I'm going to write a book and give a copy to everyone I know!

Most people are feeling the crunch lately, we haven't had a layoff in our house, but I'm going back to school ( which costs money ) and not getting child support ( no money ) and our taxes and insurance went up this year ( much more money! ). We're doing everything we can to stay afloat right now.

I have some friends and neighbor folk who love to "borrow" stuff. Especially food. And for some reason what they apparently mean by "borrow" is they want me to just give it to them. I can see the occasional sugar or flour. But the other day my friend is like, I forgot to get hash browns at the store... and that was what I went to get! I knew what was coming.. and when she asked, I said I'm almost out ( she knows I keep a stock of hash browns usually ) even though I knew I had a bag in the deep freeze, but I buy the economy bag... that's $4.50 that I'd be just... giving away. She also watched me kids sometimes one night a week while I'm at school, and usually she ends up with this... can I get some ( enter food ) here for the kids. It's usually something like 2 frozen pizza's... yea, my kids don't even eat ONE frozen pizza, let alone two. Now it seems like our freezer is bare, I KNOW I should've had more pizza's and ground beef in there... Today we made BLT's, and we're almost out of mayo... my other jar of it I had... oh yea she "borrowed" it... Paying our own grocery bill is hard enough right now, let alone hers too! I notice she doesn't have any problems buying her daughter new clothes and very expensive Christmas presents ( like Rock Band for the Wii as just PART of her gifts ) . I don't mind sending stuff along once in a while, she does me a big favor by watching my kids for me, but I can't afford to feed her family too. It's not like they wouldn't eat if my kids weren't there. And yesterday she sends her daughter down to play... right before lunch... without feeding her. :impatient:

We're going to start locking the house ( we live in a small town and RARELY lock it ) and we put a lock on the deep freeze in the garage... any other suggestions on keeping my food in MY house?!

ETA: I do borrow things from her sometimes, but ALWAYS replace it, if I borrow sugar, I send the bag back with some sugar, usually more than I borrowed, etc.

 

[addictedtochins]

You need to figure out how important these friends are to you, if you come down to heavy you risk losing someone who watches your kids. But for instance, if someone said they wanted hashbrowns I would give them like 6 raw potatoes. It's cheap, easy and yummy to make your own with a cheese grater or thinly sliced. Mayo, I would put 1/2 cup in a sandwich baggie. I think 2 frozen pizzas is ridiculous. Very costly and had nothing to do with being out of food. Somebody just didn't want to cook dinner that night. I don't think I would borrow from anyone anymore though.

We're going to start locking the house ( we live in a small town and RARELY lock it ) and we put a lock on the deep freeze in the garage...

Is someone stealing your food also?

 

[alpayton]

Is it possible to just PAY her for watching the kids in order that she may take that money and BUY them food for while they're there? I mean, I used to have a sitter for P when he was little (before school) who charged me X price when no food was needed and Y price when food was expected. The difference in fees was basically to feed the kiddo. I never sent food - only $ to cover food. He ate what they ate, be it macaroni and cheese, chicken fingers, or steak kabobs. There is absolutely NO reason why it's okay for her to come to your house while you're out and simply take whatever's there. That's sooo not okay. Again, I'd just set up a payment scale for her to watch the kids. And should her kids wind up at your house unfed again, they'd stay that way (unfed) or they'd go home.

Pierce just got in trouble for something fairly similar the other day. His friend from NEXT DOOR came over. Pierce came in and got him a big ole bottle of Gatorade while I was in the bathroom. I went outside and see the neighbor boy drinking this Gatorade that obviously could have been his but something told me to ask further. So I called Pierce into the house and asked him where he got the Gatorade he was drinking. "I got it for him out of the fridge." Well...being unemployed and having darn near NOTHING coming in, I told him, "Honey, I don't have the money to supply every child in the neighborhood something to drink. If he's thirsty, he just lives next door, tell him to go get something or turn on the hose."

 

[Riven]

Well she prides herself in watching my kids "for free", my other friend who never has a problem with feeding them is VERY pregnant right now, and her daughter brings out the worst in my kids and they bring it home ( she daughter is 3 and well... quiet frankly acts like a little terror to get attention, when she is just with me and her mom is not around, we have no problems she can be super sweet, but yea). I have another friend, I could ask as well, they go to bed rather early and I'm not sure if I'd always be home early enough. Class is technically from 4 - 8:55, but I usually get home by 9, this class is over an hour away. So yes, this person is very nice and always helps me when I need her, but she is also terrible at paying for things ( we tried to split a family membership to the Y, didn't work I never got anything back, and she still owes me for a cage she "bought" from me she said she'd give me 1/2 in Nov. haven't seen anything yet ) but there are other options for watching my kids. If I really needed to my mom would, but it's an extra 25 minutes each way out of my way to pick them up and I don't expect her to drop them off. What I'm saying is there are other options ( which just made me think of a coupe more, lol )

As for my freezer... I am not POSITIVE, but I usually know what I have in the freezer, and I went to get some ground beef out Monday... and it was gone! I buy in bulk and freeze it, and I am really sure there should've been some in there. Then my husband came home on Thursday and was going to throw a pizza in the oven... they were all gone too! I stock up on them when they're on sale and I'd bought 15 in the last month, I eat frozen pizza maybe once every 2-3 months... so I know I didn't eat them. Is it possible John and the kids ate them all, plus the ones my friend used to feed my kids ( and her... and her kid... and her husband... ) yes, but it just doesn't add up to me, so the freezer is now locked as it's in the garage.

ETA: I agree Amanda, my kids always bring their friends over and then pretty soon I hear Diana is hungry, Rosalinda is hungry, Amaris wants a snack... At least the first two I know they always feed my kids ( and us when we're around, I LOVE mexican food! )... but I've been trying to explain to them that food costs money! Hailey is getting really into how much everything costs, and she knows we're cutting back, we splurged on $4 movies with free popcorn, and then I took them to get a burger, it was $1.99 kids meal night at Culvers, and she was all concerned about what was the cheapest, it makes me so proud and breaks my heart at the same time... :heart:

 

[Spoof]

I'm in a similar boat with some of my friends. The food thing I solved by moving out.

The raw potato thing is an awesome idea, I'd get a sack and make my own hashbrowns then freeze them, fun activity to do with the kids and that way when she comes over you can offer her the raw potatoes. That's what I did when I had roommates, people are always too lazy to make things so I would keep raw ingredients around and make big pots of things on the weekend like spaghetti and soup and freeze them in containers. Nobody wanted them because they didn't know what they were.

I know frozen pizzas are easier, but it might be worth it to pretend you're too poor for them. Then just buy the pizza crusts and freeze a bag of toppings. That much work usually discourages food thiefs. When she's sitting your kids leave out pre-cooked stuff or leftovers.

My friend issue finally came down to just me saying NO recently, and it's been an unbelievably rough few weeks. I figured it would be the end of the relationship but they brushed it off and still want to do things. Go figure.

Good luck, would love to hear how it pans out.

 

[Riven]

Yes, I'm not good at plan ol' NO, a lot of times. I blame society... we're raised not to hurt people's feelings, so instead we make up "not quite lies" to get around it.

She usually watches them at her house. I was thinking earlier hey, why don't I have my SIL watch them! But then I remembered it because I leave at 2 and they are in school until 3:30, lol.

I am notorious for letting myself get walked on until I can't stand it anymore. One day she ended up with lettuce, tomatoes, and bacon for BLT's for supper... then guess what... she says I don't have any mayo... WHO THE HECK DOESN'T KEEP MAYO IN THEIR FRIDGE?!

I wasn't even thinking just send SOME, so I sent a whole freaking jar. Maybe doling things into smaller containers will help deter her. Another thing is paper towels... she always drops this hints like, oh man.. I forgot paper towels, well I quit offering them when she seemed to need some every WEEK!
I'll give my oldest daughter a key to the house, she's pretty up to date on what's in my head so she'd tell me if my friend thinks she needs in for anything if I just tell her. And if she ( the friend ) asks about why I'm locking the house I'll just say you know it seems like things are coming up missing... and leave it at that.

 

[arf2184]

She's a mooch! The more you allow it, the more they will take. We have relatives like this...can't get rid of them unfortunately, but not having 'easy foods' accessible to them does help quite a bit.

When I used to babysit, parents would bring food over most of the time, enough for everyone. If she's watching your kids for free, the least you could do is help provide the meal for while she has your kids. Probably cheaper than paying someone else to babysit and you can pick and choose what you give her. When she isn't watching your kids though, don't let her take a thing. Be as nice as you can, but be firm. If she gets overly upset over it, she's probably not worth having as a friend.

 

[addictedtochins]

I was thinking earlier hey, why don't I have my SIL watch them! But then I remembered it because I leave at 2 and they are in school until 3:30, lol.

Have you checked to see if they can take the school bus to your SIL house on the days you need?

 

[Riven]

I agree with feeding in general, the only reason I have a problem with it is when I have to provide EVERYTHING... seriously, I'm still on the who doesn't have mayo thing... I sent as much as we usually eat, and my kids were still hungry. I often feed her kids, and we usually invite them over for supper twice a month or so, we have never been invited for supper there though.

Also, she has a perfect good vehicle that she doesn't license... yes, she buys expensive toys and clothes for her daughter but says they "can't afford" to license her car. For the last several months guess how she gets to town... yes, she goes with me, and I end up making more stops than I anticipated.

More and more I believe it's laziness. For the last two summers I've mowed their yard ( a double lot ) and for doing it they give me gas for the mower ( I have a rider ) but there is still wear and tear on the mower, blades, my time etc. The HAVE a rider that runs fine, I know this because they bought it from me when I got my new one and he husband fixed the one thing that made it run rough. The reason they don't use it is because she is too cheap ( AKA "never has money " ) to spend $18 for a new PTO belt, which broke after they used it a couple times. If we bake, we bake at my house, when her dogs are sick or need shots, she calls me. I don't mind helping a friend and doing things that friends do, but I feel this is too much. I feel like she EXPECTS me to do it for her, but doesn't return all of the favors. When she has stuff for sale... I pay for it, she doesn't give it to me. But if I have something she expects me to give it to her. Maybe our house is nicer, and we have more land, and what appear to be nicer things, but we also PAY for them and take very good care of our things.

ETA: LOL, no, we live in a town of 600 people, the nearest "town" that most city folk consider a town is 25+ miles away, that's where my SIL lives. But that would be a good solution if it would work!

I think I might have a different friend take them this week, and a different the week after and let me cool down and let her pay for her own groceries for a couple weeks! This has happened before, but worse, where I felt she was walking all over me, to was to the point I didn't talk to her for a couple weeks, then barely talked to her under the pretenses that I was "too busy" but I'm pretty sure she got it figured out because she stopped doing it for quite a while.

 

[CerLynn]

Is it that they're fairly well off and maybe don't realize that those are significant costs to you, or is it that they're just prioritizing poorly (as far as the Xmas gifts, etc) and taking advantage of your generosity? I know how hard it is to say no, I'm very much the same way. Your plan sounds like a good one - just gradually phase out her involvement without completely ostracizing her, and see what happens from there.

 

[ChilliPepper]

We have awesome neighbors that feed us a few times a month. We get home and they are bbq'ing and tell us to come over and have a few beers and some dinner. Well, I felt like we were taking advantage too much, so last Friday night, I told them to get the grill out- I had some Tri tip. I also made a cucumber salad and garlic bread- basically a whole dinner for two families plus us. It was a big expense for us, but we appreciate all that they do for us and that they are good neighbors for more reasons that their awesome cooking, lol.

 

[Riven]

Is it that they're fairly well off and maybe don't realize that those are significant costs to you, or is it that they're just prioritizing poorly (as far as the Xmas gifts, etc) and taking advantage of your generosity?

They prioritize poorly, they often have disconnects or shut offs and live in a house for free, that is barely standing. So I'm going to guess the later. I should say SHE, he lives a simple life and would be happy with a can of chew and internet and nothing else. lol


I agree on the being neighborly, we have some who invite us over and we invite them over, it's a give / take relationship.... not a give, give, give, give, give, give....

 

[smhufflepuff]

Tough call. I suppose one way to view it is that you're paying for child care with food rather than cash.

 

[Riven]

I guess my thing is that usually volunteers don't get paid... she volunteered to do it to help me out.