Relinquishing custody of a child

[Riven]

Does anyone know how to or where to find information about relinquishing parental rights of a child? I know it varies state by state.

Basically Jesse finally agreed to sign away his rights to Hailey, he never sees her unless I take her there, he rarely calls... I don't know what the best route is, but John doesn't want to adopt her simply because he feels Jesse should man up and take care of his daughter.

 

[Laurie]

I'm not sure but I believe usually rights are relinquished in order for the step parent to adopt. I do know you have to go through the court system as my girlfriend went through this. Her ex has a zillion kids with other women out there, never saw Emily never paid child support. He gave up his rights and Dave her current husband adopted Emily. They did have to go through the courts though for the relinquishing and adopting.

 

[Rickman]

I think if you call the county courthouse, they can steer you the right way. I know it has to be 'court ordered', but you'd avoid a lawyer and his fees by doing it yourself!
Don't know if he's to be caught up on child support though, if that was court-ordered.
Best of luck!

 

[Diamond Dreams]

I would recommend hiring a lawyer if at all possible. My local courthouse has a paralegal who gives basic advice on what needs to be filled out, how to fill it out and helps you submit it all properly for a nominal fee. You might try calling your local courthouse to see what services they have available. I have found it very frustrating through the years that court clerks (who are easily accessible and knowledgeable) are not allowed to tell you anything that may be construed as advice.

If someone does not wish to whole heartily parent a child, said child should be removed and put into a home where the child is loved and valued. The best interest of every child is what really matters.

 

[Riven]

It makes me sad.

My main concern is that if something happened to me, she would go to him, until my family could fight to get her back. She doesn't really care or miss her other "siblings" there, only sometimes her dad. She will opt to play with her cousins and not visit her dad if given the choice. I talked to her the other day about what would happen to her if I died, and she said she would live with John, as if it was matter of fact, and then I asked well.. what if John was with me and we both died, she said Ma ( my mom ), her dad was not even on the list, when I told her that was where she would go, her face was very sad and upset. Her father... his story will change, he didn't call her to tell her Happy T-day, but he did call to threaten me about selling a car that is mine ( he says it's his, although it was a gift to me )... glad his priorities are straight there.

My mom thinks I should not let him off easy, but word my will that he would have to contest it to get custody of her, he would not take the energy and especially not the money to do it. Then any child support collected can be used for her medical and college, and basically pretend he's not there.

 

[nicky]

That's a real hard situation that you're in. Here in NY you would have in go to a lawyer. the lawyer draws up papers that he would have to sign in order to give up parental rights. There's two different ways in NY state to do it, but you need a lawyer either way. I know from experience. If you can prove that the father is unfit (drug abuser, child molester- something real bad) or has abandoned the child by not seeing or having any contact with the child (including support) for a certain number of years (I think it's 5 but not positive it's been a while) then you can go to the supreme court and have a trial to attempt to have his rights revocked against his will. But, if he's willing to sign his rights over without a fight then all you have to do is get a lawyer, they draw up papers and submit them to the court. If his name is not on the birth certificate and he did not sign for paternity in the hospital then he has no rights at all and you don't have to worry unless he takes you to court for a paternity test to prove that he's the father and then receives rights. If you have his rights revoked then you will not get support. But that's Ny. i won full custody of one of my sons and had the father's rights permenately revoked "ruled with predjudice" (which according to my lawyer it would be extreamelly hard to overturn an order ruled like that) It took about 6 months to do because his "father" if you'd call him that, thought he could win rights to my child after not having any contact with him for 4 years (no calls, letters, support at all- we never moved, and his family never did anything either) basically he tried to fight for rights after I had filed against him to have my sons last name changed to my maiden name. The only way he could have a chance in making my son keep his last bname was to prove that he "wanted" to get involved. Really he only did all of it to cause me a headache. At the final court appearance he no showed. I think that the judge saw through him the whole time. But, also in NY, even if a parent signs off their rights, the biological parent has to again sign to allow the adoption to go through. That's not right and sounds crazy (because it is) but that's the law. I can't figure that out though. If they sign their rights off then that should be that. They should not have a say in a future adoption, but they do. Good luck!

 

[alpayton]

Looks like this site has some decent info on it, but I'd definitely talk with an attorney!

http://www.legislature.ne.gov/laws/statutes.php?statute=42-364

*quoted from site above
(5) Whenever termination of parental rights is placed in issue:

(a) The court shall transfer jurisdiction to a juvenile court established pursuant to the Nebraska Juvenile Code unless a showing is made that the county court or district court is a more appropriate forum. In making such determination, the court may consider such factors as cost to the parties, undue delay, congestion of dockets, and relative resources available for investigative and supervisory assistance. A determination that the county court or district court is a more appropriate forum shall not be a final order for the purpose of enabling an appeal. If no such transfer is made, the court shall appoint an attorney as guardian ad litem to protect the interests of any minor child. The court may terminate the parental rights of one or both parents after notice and hearing when the court finds such action to be in the best interests of the minor child, as defined in the Parenting Act, and it appears by the evidence that one or more of the grounds for termination of parental rights stated in section 43-292 exist; and

(b) The court shall inform a parent who does not have legal counsel of the parent's right to retain counsel and of the parent's right to retain legal counsel at county expense if such parent is unable to afford legal counsel. If such parent is unable to afford legal counsel and requests the court to appoint legal counsel, the court shall immediately appoint an attorney to represent the parent in the termination proceedings. The court shall order the county to pay the attorney's fees and all reasonable expenses incurred by the attorney in protecting the rights of the parent. At such hearing, the guardian ad litem shall take all action necessary to protect the interests of the minor child. The court shall fix the fees and expenses of the guardian ad litem and tax the same as costs but may order the county to pay on finding the responsible party indigent and unable to pay.

(6) Modification proceedings relating to support, custody, parenting time, visitation, other access, or removal of children from the jurisdiction of the court shall be commenced by filing a complaint to modify. Modification of a parenting plan is governed by the Parenting Act. Proceedings to modify a parenting plan shall be commenced by filing a complaint to modify. Such actions may be referred to mediation, specialized alternative dispute resolution, or other alternative dispute resolution process before July 1, 2010, and on and after such date shall be referred to mediation or specialized alternative dispute resolution as provided in the Parenting Act. Service of process and other procedure shall comply with the requirements for a dissolution action.

(7) In any proceeding under this section relating to custody of a child of school age, certified copies of school records relating to attendance and academic progress of such child are admissible in evidence.

 

[Laurie]

Make sure you have a will--especially if you are concerned she could go to her sperm donor should something happen to you. Make sure you specify in writing your desires for her to remain with John--make sure John also specifies it in writing. I do not know how old your daughter is, but at a certain age they have the right to choose on their own. She could say she doesn't want to live with her sperm donor. My son has no contact with his father. In fact if his dad were to die I'm sure he wouldn't be very upset. It's just the way it is sometimes. I stopped being both angry and sad about it long ago. My son's father is the one missing out not my son as I'm sure you feel the same way about your daughter.

 

[eroomlorac]

Laurie, I know what you mean about an uninvolved father. Olivia's dad has had no contact with her for about a year now. He won't ask to see her, either, because then he'll open up the child support case, as he has paid none. But Olivia is surrounded by love from her Mother, me and both her Uncles and she certainly appears to be a healthy, happy, emotional normal little girl. I don't think it particularly matters who showers them with love, as long as they ARE showered with love.

 

[yummychinchillatoys.com]

If your state is anything like Idaho (where my husband and I had to do our custody case with his daughter, from another mother) then you have to get a lawyer... We couldn't afford to hire an attorney and the mother's parents hired one for her. the judge straight told us "i'm not listening to a word you have to say until you have a lawyer". That's when we called every family member in both our families to help... After that, we now have FULL legal and physical custody of his daughter and the mom now only gets to see her 3 weeks out of the year...

My advise GET A LAWYER....

 

[PetProductsByNature]

From our own recent experience with 3 of our grandkids, I'd say: "Don't encourage her father to have contact with her if you want his parental rights revoked." In AZ abandonment is 6 months with NO contact. We finally got Dept of Human Services (Child protective services) involved and were awarded custody of the kids so getting the parents' rights revoked was free (we didn't need a lawyer) as CPS handled all of the expenses and the State's Attoney handled all the legal stuff and they awarded the children an attorney to represent them when we went through all of the court proceedings.

 

[AZChins]

Awww...that's so sad, Barbi. I'm glad it worked out, but it must have been so hard on you!

 

[Riven]

I don't think that would work because I have custody of her, he has visitation.

I've talked to a couple people and if he'd have done this a lot sooner, my daughter would have her college paid for by one of John's great uncles ( per his estate/will ) but since she wasn't adopted at that time she doesn't. So I'm going to cut off contact, since well he never contacts us really, that shouldn't be hard, and writing my will giving my mom custody if anything happens to me, from what I understand ( we're going to verify this ) is that since I have custody and we have "grounds" aka him basically neglecting her existence, that to override my will he'd have to contest it which is expensive and time consuming, and from what it appears at this time neither of them are things he'd want to invest. This way he'll still have to pay his child support ( which according to him I some how set the amount too high, even though he was in the court when the JUDGE set it... moron ) and I can save it up for things like her medical bills I can't pay and college.

I know in my heart that all of this is coming from his "girlfriend", they have two kids, and she has one from a marriage in between... the more I hear about her, the more revolting she is to me. Hailey told me yesterday that she was making them eat liver last year for thanksgiving, and her son was so revolted by it he vomited, and she made him FINISH the rest of it! AFTER he threw it up! To me this is over the line, and I will not allow my daughter to be subject to that sort of thing. They also do not allow the children to drink anything during dinner, but Hailey says her dad drinks Mt. Dew while eating. When I brought this up to him he said " well she needs to eat, not to be filling up on pop" which just showed how he doesn't know his daughter, she rarely drinks soda. One time he says she doesn't eat when she's there, then he says, oh she just "wasn't hungry one time"... he acts different and the story changes if I talk to him when she's at work or if she's there.

I even asked my husband "If we were eating dinner what would Hailey have to drink"
Milk
"And if we were out of milk?"
Water
"And if we were out of water ( which made the kids laugh histrionically )
Juice

Point shown.

For her b-day this year she got a phone call, no card, no gift, not even a penny. I'm sure their kids all got presents and a party, I know this because Hailey went to her brother's party... I TOOK HER THERE. And none of the other family tries to contact her, they all have my number, or could get it from Jesse or John ( his brother who I keep in touch with ) they never call or write or anything to show her they care. She told my husband she never missed her brother or sister only her dad... sometimes. I told him she misses the person he used to be, she's in love with a memory and a dream, which is why she doesn't want to go there or talk to him... at least that's my theory.

I'm just so tired of this. He tries to make everything a battle with me, then says I just call to whine and should get a shrink, he can turn any conversation about Hailey into one about me, then will accuse me of calling him to complain. I just would love to find a place where I can be happy, and be happy with Hailey's relationship with her father, but I don't ever see that happening anymore, and I can't put up with his attacks anymore either.

 

[Bethany2386]

Wow, I am SO sorry! I have two stepkids myself. It's a very hard situation. My father was like that with myself and my siblings. He blames us for everything though, not my mom.

I would definately try to go for full custody, but make him pay child support. Don't let him get away without paying it. Sorry, but letting a guy who made that choice to have a child get away without paying is letting him be a deadbeat. I know how it is to have someone always make everything into a battle. My husbands ex-wife does that. She's a horrible mother. It's hard on us to watch our kids not be paid attention to. They come up to our house and tell us stories that just horrify us. Our child support does not go to our kids... We and my husband's mom buy the kids their clothes. We buy school supplies. We have sent them home with food. It's horrible. My mother-in-law luckily lives close to them so at least we knew that they can get food if needed. One time our son, who was 8 at the time, went to the dollar store with his grandma and bought food for his house because they didn't have anything to eat. Just makes me sick.

I am sorry that Hailey's dad is such a p.o.s. If you need to talk, let me know. I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers and thoughts. I hope you figure out how to resolve this situation soon.

 

[mishellyshel]

bethany--we are in a similar situation! my fiance's children are not treated very well at home. their mother has issues and makes our life very difficult. she does not use the money to "support" her children. we had to buy them new school clothes and shoes and backpacks. i always have to send food home with them and buy them snacks for school. it is very disturbing when the kids come over so dirty or they smell. they are always hungry (ok they are boys but still!). she is very jealous of me because i have my own home and i can provide a stable environment for my son and her children and she lives with her parents, got fired from her job last year and is trying to claim the disability on one of the boys and live off that and child support.
But I have been working since i was 16 and i am 41. my family has always owned businesses and always taught me i had to work for my money.
sure i have had a "charmed" life but i also have worked my butt off to get where i am today!

Riv--while i am sure you can use the child support. allowing your daughter to have visitation and be continually put in uncomfortable situations may not be worth it.
i dont recall if you mentioned her age, but if she is at the age that you can discuss this with her maybe you can ask her what SHE wants.
i would definitely check with a lawyer regarding the custody in the event of your death.
if a living parent is available and is deemed fit by the court (which he is if he has visitation) more than likely will be awarded custody. maybe you can pay the small consult fee and get the info from a lawyer if you dont happen to know one.
whatever you decide...........good luck.
i am so fortunate that my x-husband is a stand up guy. but my fiance' having a crazy baby mama and the crap she has put us through, i can totally relate.
one piece of advice though...............write EVERYTHING down in notebook with the date and what happened, it just may come in handy!

 

[Bethany2386]

Thanks, Michelle. It's really hard to see our kids being "neglected"... Well, in my eyes they are being neglected. Yes, they have a roof over their head... But they do not get attention or get anything special. They are not made to brush their teeth or take showers. I mean, my god!!!! She (ex) tells my hubby that she doesn't want to fight with the kids... Yeah, when the kids are here, they take showers. And if they back talk, they get in trouble and STILL have to take a shower... It doesn't end up being a fight... Some people!

And your advice on writing everything down is awesome! I totally forgot about putting that... since we have to do that too... Haha

 

[Riven]

Sorry, but letting a guy who made that choice to have a child get away without paying is letting him be a deadbeat.

This is why my husband doesn't want to adopt Hailey ( although if I outright asked him and told him it would mean so much to me he would, lol ), he said it would be letting Jesse get out of his responsibility and basically just letting him off the hook. Of course he also thinks that she feels the same way about him as he did about his stepdad, which is not true. She loves him, and often just says "my dad" to her friends, especially ones who don't know the real situation as if to say, it's too much work for someone who's not there...

She is 9 and I have been letting her choose. This holiday we went that way on Thurs. ( we live over 2 hours away, which is his excuse ( one of them ) that he never sees her ) and said she could stay the weekend because I would be back down on Sat. and could pick her up. She said no, that she'd just go for part of the day, but then she realized her cousins were there ( at my grandmothers ) and decided not to go at all. I think he blames me for this, when in reality it's her choice.


We had a mutual friend ( he's basically just my friend now, lol ) who is disgusted by the whole situation, he knows how hard I've tried to keep Hailey's dad in her life ( and now I wish I hadn't ) and he's in the opposite situation. His ex bad mouths him, and his daughter won't even talk to him on the phone or visit or even take his gifts...

 

[Bethany2386]

That sucks! This to me is like deja-vu... My stepdad is my "DAD". And my biological father is, well, my sperm donor. HA! I guess he was good for at least one thing... Giving me life. I think that giving your daughter the choice is good. I used to be forced to go to my dad's... I hated every minute of it. My mom said that I didn't have to go... But my dad said that as long as he is paying child support, then we need to go on the days that we are supposed to... WHAT A JERK!

I think that 9 year olds have a hard time expressing their feelings. I know that I did when I was that age. And my stepson is 9 and holds everything in. It's so hard to be a parent and watch these bad things happen... Also, that sucks that your friend's ex bad mouths him. But his daughter will eventually see the truth. I know that I did. My dad and stepmother did that too. I now have nothing really to do with them. And I know that I would NEVER bad mouth my kids' mother... in front of them...