Re: Dating... at what point do you know?

[AnnShh]

Re: Dating... at what point do you know?

So, I am not very experienced with the whole dating thing. In high school I had 1 boyfriend (we broke up when I went to school 15 hrs away), and had gone out on just a couple 'first dates' with guys there but ended up not wanting a second.
Last weekend, a couple guy friends start talking to me and were really pushing me to let them introduce me to one of their friends. I finally agreed...so they introduced us and this guy, our mutual friend, and I went to the gym and then dinner after. Got back and mutual friend left but the other guy and I stayed and watched the olympics for awhile.
Really couldn't tell if he was interested in me or what the deal was... so I talked to another mutual friend who said that he actually asked her if she could feel me out to see how I felt the night went. She thought he was def interested. She gave him my # and we've texted almost every night.
Yesterday he and I went to see a movie they were showing on campus. I was hoping I would get some indication of what his intentions were (ie: relationship? just friends? etc). A couple times his hand brushed up against mine but I couldn't tell whether that was intentionaland he was waiting for me to do something or if it was accidental. After we got back from the movie we talked and did the whole "I had a really good time" thing, hugged, and went our separate ways.
We're going to another movie on Sunday (for one of his classes...but he asked if I wanted to go).
Our mutual female friend said that he's the type that will back off if he thinks a girl isn't interested. I'm the type that is constantly thinking "if he's interested, then he'll make a move". I don't want him to get the impression that I'm not interested, but at the same time, I don't want to do something (like taking his hand, which would be my first step I guess) only to find out he is only looking for the 'just friends' thing.
I've had people say that I should just straight out ask him how he is feeling about this, but I'm not sure I want to do that (that seems like it would be really awkward). My other friend says I should just go up and grab his hand and continue on like it's nothing, and see what he does. I'm planning to talk to our mutual friend to see what she thinks... she has known him longer than I do.
Why am I so horrible at this whole dating thing? I guess I just want him to know that I'm interested if he's interested... but I don't want to make myself look like an idiot by misinterpreting things only to find out that he's not interested. So how do I know?

 

[Parkerspetchins]

I think it is completely normal, I mean, who likes rejection right? However, when you have two very passive personalities as you are describing your own and your new friends' there is bound to be some "un"-communicating going on ). I would take his hand, this can be a sign of friendship as well as genuine interest. See what happens, what his reaction is, and take it from there. Worst case, he doesn't reciprocate the hand holding and is awkward for a moment and then you will know that he probably just wants to be friends. Don't stress, you can do it and I promise you nothing bad will happen! If you like him, go for the hand!

 

[mishellyshel]

it sounds to me like two shy not so experienced people are trying to date. sounds like you like him and if he asked how you felt the "date" went then he likes you.

take a chance........

 

[BooBoo*TheKiddo*]

I agree with Jean Marie.
Just take his hand, it can show him your interest but could also be a friend type thing. Let him interrupt it how he wants.

 

[RDZCRanch]

I was the same way when it came to dating...I hate it too because everything seems fraught with tension which makes things awkward. Anyhow, I agree with Jean Marie. I would just take his hand and see what happens. It sucks to make the first move but if you are really interested in him...he'll need that little push back saying you are interested. I had to make the first move with my boyfriend because we're both quiet and generally shy as well.

 

[Ash]

If you're uncomfortable with the "first move" sort of deal, you can always talk to your mutual friend about how you're really interested in him (if that's the case) and wish he'd do something to show you the same, and try to get her to pass it along.

Oooor you can do what I did and text-flirt about making some sort of move (Keith's dog Shadow had "kissed" me before he did, so it was a bit of a joke between us after the night had ended and the next night when we went out, Keith made the move and kissed me).

It definitely doesn't have to be something as forward as that, if you're not that comfortable, it could be an "I've been having a lot of fun hanging out with you" sorta thing that goes from there in conversation. I'm much more comfortable saying stuff like that in text, especially when first meeting someone and starting something, because if it's not the same way on both ends, it isn't quite as awkward as if you're with that person and have a dead silence hanging between you for the rest of the time you're hanging out together.

 

[Melissa]

Just do what comes natural and makes you feel good.. Dont just grab his hand just to see how he reacts because people tell you to. Do it because you want to when you want to and when it feels right. I wouldnt push things. In a relationship this will happen when you both are ready.

Trust me.. if he wasnt interested he wouldnt keep making dates with you. Take it slow. Enjoy the innocence if it and do what feels right.

Also, from person experience, leave your friends out of things. No matter how good their intentions may be they always will mess something up.

 

[Parkerspetchins]

Dont just grab his hand just to see how he reacts because people tell you to. Do it because you want to when you want to and when it feels right.

True. I was encouraging her to do something that she herself said she would probably do if she wasn't afraid that he may reject her.

I don't want to do something (like taking his hand, which would be my first step I guess) only to find out he is only looking for the 'just friends' thing.

I don't think you will be rejected based on what little I know of your situation or I wouldn't encourage you in that direction ). I think you just know when it is right, and I don't think you would be asking a forum for advice if you didn't like this guy .

 

[Diamond Dreams]

How long have you known him? A week? I would build a friendship with him first, before even considering a relationship. Find out if you really like him as a person with flaws (the ones that people tend to hide if you don't really know them) before you make things complicated by starting a relationalship.

 

[alpayton]

Maybe I'm just more direct, but I think you could swing this in a way that wouldn't be too detrimental to either of you. After this next "date," just say something like "I'm really enjoying spending time with you and look forward to spending more time with you soon." Or something like that...he'll get the idea that you're interested in pursuing it further, and you won't feel like a total idiot if he doesn't want anything more than a friendship. I mean...it opens the door to a conversation or it could just be said as a sort of "goodbye." If he's feeling the same things you are, I'd say it'd open the door of communication about it before it'd just "go in one ear and out the other." So be prepared to discuss how you really feel, cuz he may very well say something like "You know? I was thinking the same thing" and then the conversation just has to get more in depth.

Course I could be absolutely totally wrong since I'm more of a "if I think it, I say it" kind of person, so....

Good luck!

 

[AngelBaby]

I hate that part of dating, not knowing what the other person is thinking. I've been there, I did the same thing as you and got a friends advice..my best friend and his best friend were dating so they tried to set us up..but I agree with Melissa, don't rely on a friends advice..that is ultimatly what ended that relationship of mine years ago.

I would do what Ash did and text him some flirty little comments and see what his reaction is..BUT to me it sounds like he has some interest or he wouldn't want to keep seeing you so take things slow but I would just be as flirty as you can, in text and in person..

I am anxious to find out how things go ) Good luck!

 

[Sesame]

If you enjoy spending time with this fellow, perhaps next time you could take the initiative, call him up and plan the date. If you both live on campus, maybe go for a study break/coffee break, or suggest some other activity that involves more verbal interaction to get to know each other more. Since it seems that both parties are a tad shy, maybe taking the initiative on planning a date shows the other one that you are interested.

If you are interested in getting to know him better, just do that. If he shows a mutual interest, hopefully, things will just fall into place.

 

[Jeanette]

I hate that part of dating, not knowing what the other person is thinking.

And later you develop ESP!!! rofl. I just had to add that.


I really hate all of the 'he said she said' garbage. What I say is act like a regular person (if you're not a regular person, don't act like one, lol) and take an opportunity when one presents itself. If it doesn't, just tell him (in words) that you would love to go out on a 'date' with him. No mixed signals there.

 

[Laurie]

The best advice I can ever give anyone about dating and relationships is to read the book He's Just Not That Into You. This book should be a bible to ANYONE who isn't sure what's going on in their relationship. Often times we aren't sure what to do or how to proceed or how the other person feels. After reading Greg's book you will truly be able to tell if the person you are attracted too, or if the person you have fallen in love with, feels the same way about you. I should have read this book LONG before I got married (except it wasn't published then lol!)

I do agree with Melissa, only do something that you feel comfortable doing. Nothing in life so ever be pushed or forced or you should never bre coerced into doing anything that isn't naturally you.

 

[AnnShh]

So I thought I would update you all on the situation, since it's been coming up on 2 months.

It never really progressed much. We hung out a few times and then on my birthday watched a movie. He acted like he wanted to kiss me and seemd like he would have if I had made more of a move, but for some reason I didn't and nothing happened. I was kicking myself for that. He went out of town a couple weekends in a row after that... I chilled with him last weekend and then went camping with him and some other guy friends.
I talked to some mutual friends, who told me that if I made a move on him I would probably have to worry about how long he would kiss me, not whether he would want it. So I went and watched a movie with him last night, made a few subtle moves which weren't rejected but weren't taken in the same way that he did when we had watched a movie a few weeks prior. At the end we talked for a little bit and then he had to sign me out so we got up and went to walk downstairs. I decided that if he wouldn't make a move then I would so I kissed him on the cheek thinking he would get the idea. Nothing. Totally embarassing/awkward. That took a lot of guts on my part, btw.

So two of my close mutual friends who heard about this were shocked... and I found out tonight that one went to talk to him about it to find out what the deal was. He apparently told her that he didn't want to lead me on and have us get too close when he's leaving in 2 weeks (he's transferring to another school). Which I completely understand... but at the same time, it's frustrating. I don't blame him... but I wish I had made a move when I had the opportunity a few weeks ago. With finals coming up I'm not sure we'll get another chance to chill. I really wish he wasn't leaving... that's really the only thing that stopped this from developing into us officially dating.

Anyways, so there's an update for you.

 

[Parkerspetchins]

I am really proud of you for taking a chance! It is too bad that he is leaving so that nothing more can come of the relationship but hopefully you realized that it isn't the end of the world to take a chance. Hopefully you can still have a nice long distance friendship with him. I am sorry this didn't work out.

 

[caiti]

he's just one guy, so don't dwell on it. Plenty of other people will make you feel the way you feel about him.

 

[caiti]

and that did take a ton of guts--I would have fainted or something.