my disappearance

[CJR]

As some have noticed, I have been kind of MIA for the past couple weeks/month. I felt I should explain it to you folks, considering I feel closer to you all than pretty much anyone I know in real life.

I have been on various medications since I was about 15 - so for about five years. They generally keep me from going completely crazy. I've been told that I have an anxiety problem, bipolar disorder, residual psychosis, and severe depression, but it all changes from doctor to doctor. I've tried going to psychiatrists, therapists, psychologists, but I don't trust any of them and I could tell that none of them actually gave a flying poop about me, so I refuse to go to them anymore.

Anyway.

Due to an unavoidable influx of bills and an unprovoked cut in hours at work, I was forced to make a choice: pay bills or get medication. I chose the bills because I would like for my student loans to NOT go into default.

I stretched my meds out for as long as I could, but they finally ran out. I tried to scramble the money together to refill them, but other things happened - Tia got hurt, my car decided to take a poop, my phone broke, etc. And when you're only making about $120 a week, it can only go so far.

I know what some may say - why didn't I get another job? I start school next week, August 30th. By the time I got my new job, it wouldn't have mattered - school would have started.

Without my meds, I am a whirling force of emotion, completely sans logic. I am paranoid, manic, and I stay awake for days at a time. I can't do anything except sit on my bed and stare at the ceiling, clean feverishly, or talk to my various animals. I don't trust anyone or anything. I refuse to get on the internet much because I feel like people are watching me.

In any case... thanks to the Boyfriend, I finally asked to borrow money from my parents to get my pills back. As a result, I am back on the forum again! I'm sorry if I caused any worry.

With love,
Pash

 

[leni]

Pash, I know I haven't talked to you much but I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel. I got diagnosed as bipolar a couple of years ago, I couldn't work for almost three months when I did get diagnosed, and we had purchased a house not too long before that. Eventually we ended up having to file for bankruptcy which was confirmed this past March and our house is going into foreclosure so we live in an apartment now. There were times when I had to decide to pay the bills and eat or buy my medications. They're not cheap, and some my insurance wouldn't really cover so I know what you mean about having to decide between a rock and a hard place. Things have stabilized now and if it weren't for my husband, my cats, and the chins I don't know what I would do sometimes. Things get stressful at work and I just feel that itch sometimes. Before I got stabilized on the medication I cycled several times between hypo-manic phases and depression and there were days when I just couldn't sleep no matter how much I wanted to, so I recognize the signs of when I might start to cycle again so I know to see the doctor more frequently and get meds adjusted, etc. I've been hospitalized twice for it so I know it can get bad quick.

I'm sorry things have been hard for you and hope they look up. It is hard to be in school and have to manage that, at least I had my husband's income to help or else I would've ended up living in the streets. I am glad you got some help, and that you can talk about it. Some people treat these things like such a huge stigma and it really is unfair. We deserve to live just like everyone else. I just wanted you to know I understand and I'm here for you if you need to talk Thank you for posting this.

 

[Jazicat]

I am so sorry you had to make that choice but bless your boyfriend for getting you to ask for help. I know that must have been hard and I also know that not having your medication is hard. Even with my medication I sometimes feel a little like an alien in public and even posting here takes three or four rewrites. Please know that if you ever need to talk you could PM me and I'd give my phone number.

 

[mercynursie]

Boy do I understand the costs of medications!I tell folks I rattle when I walk and by the time I take my morning meds, I'm too full for food!! As far as being able to afford your meds though, seriously when it gets to that point, you need to let your Drs know.Many times the companies have special programs in place to help folks get the medications that they make if the person can't afford the med.Your Drs should know and be able to give you some places/resources rather than you not getting your medication. Sometimes we all have to swallow some pride and admit we need some help esp during these hard times.PLEASE check into some of these programs.It costs too much in terms of your quality of life to not get your meds. You are worth every penny and you deserve to get your meds.Some Drs will even give you scripts that you can order from Canada or other places that sell the meds much cheaper than in the USA(just make sure it is a reliable source).:wink2:

 

[caiti]

Aw, I'm so sorry you had to chose between those things. I can relate, I got off my SSRI's about 5 or 6 weeks ago and I'm realizing I need to be on some sort of anti-depressant or I can't really deal with life. I thought it was just long withdrawals at first, and I really wanted to save money from the copays, but this is the first time I've been off SSRIs in a decade and I wasn't really aware how much they've helped me even though I'm still trying to find one I like or doesn't stop working after two years. And with school starting, I know how you feel when you say you are not looking forward to being overwhelmed by it. I don't know if you were on any meds that you get withdrawals from, they can be absolutely awful. Some meds are better than others, but even without withdrawals being off meds can be very very hard.

Honestly, I know therapists can get expensive with copays but it may be worth it if you aren't happy with your meds alone or want to find other ways to cope. I've been to at least ten and really only one or two ever helped so I know how hard it is to find a good one. And only one or two psychiatrists I've seen weren't actually just going down a list of meds for me to try. I've tried most SSRIs and when I go to a new psychiatrist it's actually easier for me to list the ones I haven't been on ha. It may seem daunting now, but if you keep trying you are bound to find something that helps, if only temporarily. I've been in hospitals, residential, therapeutic schools and did EMDR along with ongoing therapy and medication since I was 13. Some helped, some made it worse. Although, if your meds are working for you and you're fine otherwise, then that's awesome. I didn't mean to assume you need my advice, you could be doing fine on your meds and just ignore everything I wrote, heh.

I'm glad that you got the meds back before school. It really can interfere with your academic goals.

Like Mercy said, your doctors can sometimes help. They can give you samples or coupons if they have them and especially if it's a med you really shouldn't taper off of or be without they really try to make sure you can get by.

I'm sorry you were feeling bad for a while and like others wrote, if you want to talk pm me. I'm really glad you're feeling better though!!

 

[CJR]

I'm actually kind of glad that there are people here who have similar problems... I'm not glad that you have problems, that's not what I mean, but... yeah. It's just nice to know that there are others like myself. I'm sure you all know that feeling.

Thanks for the kind words and offers... And Mercy (I forget your real name, I'm sorry), thank you for that advice. I guess I should have tried calling my doctors about it. Actually, I did get admonished by my doctor for not getting help sooner...

 

[leni]

Yeah I know what you mean, it's nice to know you're not alone. My psychiatrist I have now is awesome at helping me get discounted meds, and like it was suggested earlier a therapist really can do wonders if you can find the right one. My therapist has saved me lots of times when I've felt like cracking. I had actually had a bad day today and went to talk to her, then came here and saw your post and it all made me feel better. Some days I feel like I'm the only one around who has issues like this, it's nice to know other people can relate. Like I said, if you ever need to talk, let me know.

Arlane

 

[Laurie]

Pash if you truly have bi-polar disorder you CANNOT go without medication. I know this all too well as my little sister sufferes from this illness. Please look into the NAMI organization and see if they have one in your area. By not taking medication you risk your health and quite honestly your life. I'm glad you're back on medication, but it's in your very best interest to always stay on them. NAMI offers support groups for both those who suffer from mental illness and those who love someone who suffers from mental illness.

Not to be a debbie downer but the number one killer of people who suffer from mental illness is suicide.

Please don't go without your medication again.

XXX OOO

 

[Lynn & The Chins]

Welcome back!!!

Glad you're doing better. Everyone is right -- no matter what, stay on your meds!!! You could also check and find out which hospital in your city is the "safety net" for people without insurance. There is usually a sliding scale of fees and they can provide you with your necessary meds at low or no cost to you.

How is Tia??? You said she got hurt...

 

[caiti]

I'm actually kind of glad that there are people here who have similar problems.

Oh, no they're everywhere, not just here. Some people just hide it well.

The world is full of crazies, kid.

Muahahaha!! But in all honestly, the majority of people I know are mentally ill and some of them just haven't been diagnosed yet, I swear.

 

[Brittany_Lynn]

Pash, I had to make that decision this month, too. I suffer from Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is the one that really gets me--nightmares screw up my whole sleeping schedule, UGH. This past month though I didn't have a job--I stopped working the second week in July, after I tried two different temp jobs, then I got hired for a daycare which I am working at now, but I didn't start until August 20th, and I don't get my first pay check until the 3rd. The same thing happened last October when I turned 21--I couldn't afford my meds because my insurance was canceled, etc. Luckily for me a wonderful woman saw me crying in the Wegmans parking lot, asked what was wrong, and made me take 20 dollars to buy enough pills for 5 days so that I could make it for a little longer. I never got her name.

I don't know if you still have my phone number, but if you want it, PM me and I'll give it to you because if you are ever going through something like that again, I would like to be able to chat with you even if it's just about our chinchillas or something simple like that; I'd also give you my IM name, but you said you get paranoid about being online, so we don't have to do that.
I was actually starting to get worried about you, I'm glad I saw this--not to read the bad news, but to know that you're okay.
:heart:

 

[Mt. Zion Chins]

I too know somewhat what you are going thru. I suffer from depression and will be on medication for the rest of my life. Most of my family suffers also. As for medication, I KNOW that a lot of pharmetical companies have programs to help people who can't afford their medication. My daughter is one of those people who gets her depression/anti-anxiety medication free from the company who makes it. Go to the company's website and find the application for free medication. Your doctor will have to fill out his/her part.

 

[CJR]

How is Tia??? You said she got hurt...

She had a foot injury that was cleared up with blu-kote and bag balm... turns out lava ledges are a bit too rough for her little feetsies.

By not taking medication you risk your health and quite honestly your life.

Yeah, trust me I know... I ended up calling the suicide hotline twice during this time period in order to get myself talked down. I'm okay now... I just get so emotional, like I'm balancing on a fine point and one little twinge of feeling will send me careening down one way or the other. I'm coming down from a manic stage right now, but I feel terrible because last night I treated Jeff like complete crap. I'm lucky that he understands, because anyone else would have left me last night (and they would have been completely justified in doing so).

:heart5:

 

[leni]

I feel terrible because last night I treated Jeff like complete crap. I'm lucky that he understands, because anyone else would have left me last night (and they would have been completely justified in doing so)



I've been there. Before I was started on medication, my husband (who was my fiance at the time) stuck by me through everything, and I know there were times when I treated him horribly and I'd feel sooo guilty about it afterwards, but it isn't you, it's the illness. It really warps you sometimes. It's just surreal sometimes how it makes you feel and what it makes you think. I'm glad you were able to get your medication again and I hope you continue to feel better. We're pulling for you :thumbsup: