I hate my best friend's fiancé

[ReneeM]

I'm a bit between a rock and a hard place. My best friend just got engaged right before Valentines day. The thing is I can't stand to even be in the same room as her fiancé. He gives me a bad vibe and creeps me out. He has made comments and done things in front of me that made me so uncomfortable I left when hanging out with my friend. My friend knows I don't like him, after her divorce from her first husband she told me to always be honest with her. At least every few months she either text me or calls me , upset with something he has done. These raise red flags for me. I'm frustrated because I don't Want to see her hurt again. We have been friends since high school, I don't want to ruin our friendship because of this. I'm nice to her fiancé, but keep my distance. It's not my business who she wants to spend her life with. I just want to see her happy, but alot of the time she doesn't seem happy. She told me at one point I would be the maid of honor in their wedding. I don't know if I could, if I didn't agree with the union.

 

[GorillaJTA]

Talk to her. Isolated incidents are easy to forget. Sit her down and tell her what has happened.

 

[fanofdmb84]

Yep, tell her what you just told us. Try to get serious with her, in a non-threatening way, and tell her you see her heading towards another unhappy marriage. I would also ask her if she's doing it because she doesn't want to stay single or if she really truly loves the guy. Or...if she really doesn't, is she staying in it just to avoid the breakup and the life-changes that follow? Some people are very visual - maybe ask her to make a list of things she likes/loves about him and a list of the bad things that he's done/have happened and compare the two. Sometimes that stark contrast in length of those lists, right there on paper, can shock people into reality.

 

[summerdays]

you are stuck..

i just have one thing that popped to mind, about her texting every few months complaining about something he did.... unless its something super serious, couples do tend to argue and we woman do tend to complain... he might do this or that that upsets her, but is she telling you all the things he does to make her happy??? i guess what i'm trying to say, is this.. we all complain sometimes, if its not too serious, maybe you might want to let it go so it doesn't put you in a bad place.. unless she is the type of person that you really can be honest with, then if thats the case, i wouldd sit her down and have a heart to heart talk.

 

[GorillaJTA]

I had a friend recently who was engaged. You could tell by talking to her that she was in it because she thought she had to be. She was not happy and felt like it was a restriction on her life. I never outright told her to break it off, but one day after she complained to me about it all, I stopped her and asked her to take an inventory of why she was staying engaged versus why she should break it off. Fast forward a couple of months and I am talking to her again and I mention her fiance offhand. She raises her hand and shows me a bare finger. I tell her I am sorry, and she says "No, you were right. I was not happy, and I was in it because I thought it was where I was supposed to be at that point in my life."
Sometimes asking someone to step back and reevaluate can do a lot of good. But remember at the same time, don't criticize the fiance too harshly, let her come to her own conclusions, because if they don't break up, those words cannot be unheard.

 

[Riven]

I say let her know, have her over and just have an honest sit down talk with her. Either she'll love you, hate you, or hate you and then come back when she realizes you're right, but either way you'll be able to sleep at night knowing you tried. Ask her things like why does he make her happy... stuff like that, but most of all listen to her even if you don't like what you hear.

 

[PetoftheDay]

I went through this for nearly ten years with a dear friend of mine. Not only did I dislike her boyfriend/fiance, all my housemates (guys) did, too, because we all saw how miserable she was. Eventually she saw the light and dumped him, and several years later married a really nice guy and is still with him to this day. It can be hard, just let her know how you feel, and then let it be.

 

[ReneeM]

Everything she has told me raises red flags in my book. I wonder sometimes if she isn't with him because she doesn't want to be alone. She has not been single since we were 20. Me...I've been single for years . I almost feel like she is settling for him because she doesn't think she can do better :/. I do offer to take revenge on him anytime he hurts her though. Mostly to make her laugh. I would never hurt anyone. I asked her if she was happy, she said yes. I think she is forcing herself to be happy. She seems like she has to be in a relationship to be complete.

 

[Spoof]

I wonder sometimes if she isn't with him because she doesn't want to be alone.

I feel for you, I've got a few friends like this. With the last one I talked her into having them both go to a counselor. It was the best thing they could've done and did save their marriage. That was five years ago and they are closer than ever as they discovered a way to communicate instead of complain and not fix things. They've been married for 12 years now.

She seems like she has to be in a relationship to be complete.

Some people actually do. Picking up a roommate and getting involved in clubs can curb this if she is willing. )