Had a bad night and had to rant...

[oxchincerelyxo]

So I work three nights a week (3-11) and two days a week (730-330). My boyfriend works only day shifts and it takes him and hour and a half to get to/from work (he takes the bus and walks an hour). In addition to our opposite hours (even on my day shifts he doesn't get home until around 6-630) we don't have any days off together.

This is the only things that we fight about. I feel bad because I feel like I'm being too sensitive and too needy. I'm at work now, and he came to hang out with me at 10. I haven't seen him all day, he comes to "visit" me at work which means that he sits on our guest computer and talks to his friends online until it's time for me to lock up-so I get mad. When we go home he'll put on a movie because he has to sleep with the tv on and go to sleep while I can't sleep and stay up all night being lonely and bored. I just want a little quality time. These hours were susposed to be temporary and things were "susposed to get easier" but he's tired all the time and cranky and I get the brunt of it.


I don't know what to do...I'm so stressed over it. All I said was that I was hoping we could spend some time together tonight before he goes to sleep and he flipped out on me, saying that all I do it ***** and moan about it and that I should call a friend and stay somewhere tonight.

I pay more of the rent because I make more than he does...I clean up after him (because he is a slob and I have ocd) and have dinner sitting on the table for him even if I work nights (I make it before I go to work). These things are not required for me by him, but I do them and all I ask for is a little time and consideration.

I need some outside opinions-I'm sitting her in tears right now because I don't know if I'm just being the cause of all the issues and should just deal or if I have a right to be mad. I wish we could even just talk about this but it ends up in a fight and I end up the bad guy...


Sorry to rant like this, I just didn't have anyone to call right now and needed "someone" to talk to

 

[3CsMommy]

I've had to learn, while living with my boyfriend, that sometimes fights are a good thing. You feel put upon doing so many chores (by the sounds of it at least) but neglected otherwise. If he cares about you, this shouldn't be his intent. So, even though it's probably going to start a fight, you have to make sure he understands that you feel overworked at home (as well as at work) and neglected. The trick is to phrase it without saying "you"; most people take that to mean you're blaming them for whatever's wrong, which might not be the case. I've had to do a lot of thinking and rethinking and lip chewing to figure out how to bring things up to my Taller Half, but it has worked. I think talking to him is worth a try.

 

[Laurie]

Okay sorry it took me so long to respond to you. What you should do first is always take a deep breath. You said you work nights 3 times a week. Well there are 7 days in a week so you should be able to see your boyfriend and spend quality time with him 4 of those days. I know it doesn't seem like a lot, but for right now as your night time hours which really aren't night time hours but in fact 2nd shift hours, are temporary then this whole thing of not spending lots of time with him is temporary too.
Sometimes when you don't mean too you can push away the ones you love. Try to accept that he's come to spend time with you and be happy with that when he does it.
Plan on really spending great quality time together during the days and times you do have and not lament the time you have to spend apart.
I hope you're feeling better apart this by the time you read my post and the two of you will be able to have some nice time together this weekend.

 

[Diva Chins]

My dad always complains mom has no time for him because he works 3rd and she works 1st + goes to school every afternoon.
The one day she didn't have to work, he stayed on the phone the entire day and then went fishing with his buddies.
So I know how you feel, I have to see my parents go through this. I personally don't work, I've tried to, I get fired over my medical disabilities or not hired at all because they call where I worked for reference and they go ahead and tell them. But I'm still trying...

 

[Jeanette]

It sounds as if you are more of a mommie to him than a girlfriend.
(or that he expects you to be a mommie)
If you are so unhappy with things, why don't you change them? I mean you could, find a job that would give you hours like his, or something like that.

 

[TillyChinchilla]

Are both your names on the lease? Honestly from what you are saying it sounds like there are some bigger than normal "tiff" issues. And the whole thing about him using the guest computer while he is supposed to be "hanging out with you" really irks me. Sounds like it is just free internet access time.

 

[minrex]

What type of job do you have? I thought it was interesting that you said he visited you at work and then didn't hang out with you... a lot of places would frown upon an employee "hanging out" with (or even just talking to) her boyfriend during work hours. Maybe you could clarify that since I'm a bit confused on that point.

 

[oxchincerelyxo]

What type of job do you have? I thought it was interesting that you said he visited you at work and then didn't hang out with you... a lot of places would frown upon an employee "hanging out" with (or even just talking to) her boyfriend during work hours. Maybe you could clarify that since I'm a bit confused on that point.

I work at a hotel and the owner (my boss) basically encourages us to have guests. The hours are long, especially at night, and there isn't too much to do for the last 3 or 4 hours...so she doesn't mind at all...



and Jinul-that is basically exactly how I feel:yuck:

 

[amazonangie]

A while back my husband worked nights and I worked days. Our schedules conflicted so much we saw each other 3 hours a day. And since he worked 6 days a week, we only had 1 day to spend with each other. We did this for over a year. And what changed it all? He joined the military. LoL. It was really hard and put a huge strain on our marriage. If you really want it to work, keep trying to talk to him. Otherwise you can only beat a dead horse for so long. Good Luck with whatever you choose to do.
:deadhorse2:

 

[Dolyphinm]

My boyfriend went through a long period of taking things out on me/neglecting me for a bit and it all stemmed from him not bringing up something that was bothering him and pretty much snowballed for a good 9 months. Still working on some of the after math to this day, but I can see hope and progress with us. Still times we go a few steps backwards, but its sooo much better now.
So my point is maybe something is actually bothering him, but he is bottling it up to avoid hurting you. I pay more of our bills cuz I make a whole lot more and his student loans are paying for his part of the rent, but in turn he does clean more.
Try to talk to him to see if something else is bothering him asides not spending as much time together. Also maybe try to ask him to not go on the computer one night a week when he visits and make him sit near you.

Just out of curiosity how old is your boyfriend again?

 

[oxchincerelyxo]

Just out of curiosity how old is your boyfriend again?

He is 20 and I will be 19 in March. We have been together for two years, which I know isn't very long, but (long story short) we have been living together since the second week of dating and moved across the country together. We usually only fight over things that matter, and we don't fight very much so when we do it really sucks:yuck:

 

[Karaxkayxx]

We are kinda in a very similar situation, considering we are about the same age.. Ive also been with my boyfriend for a little over two years and have been living with each other basically from day one. I dont know if your situation will have the same ending as me though. Anyways... We used to work opposite days/hours up untill the first of january..where we finally were able to work it out to where we were on the EXACT hours. I thought things would get better, but they just got worse. We used to complain about not seeing or being able to spend time together....he would slip up and take things out on me all the time...always making me feel like crap..but I sucked it up, thinking it was just the stress in our scheduals. Now we have all the time in the world to be with one another..and he is still being a prick. On our days off, he will invite his friends over and play video games in front of me all night. He usually tells me I should read a book or get online if i get bored of watching. So I started to make dinner less nights a week ..been leaving him more clothes unwashed ...blah blah blah, he notices, and calls me "lazy", and says I should do something on my days off instead of sit around. ...I went nuts. I realized he never appreciates anything I do..and im more of a mommy than a girlfriend. Ive come to realize the anger was just us being unhappy together ..and not about the situation we were in. Well ..maybe he is happy..but im not. SO im working on a plan to get out of here soon. eh ..maybe its not the same situation. We probably fight more than you two do... lol. I thought we only used to fight over things that mattered, as well. But the things that mattered to me, he could care less about ..or so it seems. :\


I kinded needed to rant, too... lol

 

[Essentia]

My husband and I currently work completely different schedules. I work 3-11pm and he works 11-7am. I also work weekends and he has them off. We don't argue as much as we used to about time together, but it's definitely on my mind often. On the weekends he goes and hangs out with his friends mostly since he works all throughout the week. I know he loves me, and he shows me all the time, but the time thing definitely does put a strain on the marriage.

I think it's hotel working in general. It sounds like it may be time for both of us to find new jobs that have a more stable schedule.

 

[Jeanette]

Life's too short to waste it on guys who don't treat you right!!

 

[Essentia]

Life's too short to waste it on guys who don't treat you right!!

While that's true I don't think he's trying to be a butt here. It sounds like he's frustrated as well, so for this to be said it kind of unfair.

Before my husband and I even got engaged we went to a relationship counselor. Best decision we ever made. She was amazing and gave us tips and tricks on how to not get on each others nerves and such. She also talked to us about our time together. My husband's insurance covered it except for the $20. They had to code it differently since relationship counseling wasn't covered (though marriage counseling was), but most places are more than willing to work around your insurance like that.

I know guys are usually the people who are more closed to the decision of counseling, but it was actually my husband's idea and I was all for it. If it's something you're interested in, hopefully he will also be interested in it. It all depends on how the subject is approached.

It doesn't make everything perfect, but it definitely makes things better if both sides are willing to work on themselves.